To have 0 social battery after having my parents to stay for 8 weeks over the festive period.

[heavenknow]

I’m due back to work tomorrow after a good period of work and I should be rested but I’m absolutely broken. We live in Australia, my mum and dad have come out for Christmas but it’s just been too much. Every single day, the pressure has been on me to arrange and communicate the ‘plan for the day’ - down to making dinner/lunch/snacks. Deal with the multiple complaints about the heat (when sitting outside, not in the fully airconed house) and buy everyone else’s Christmas gifts - including everyone here and at home (as I’m good at gift buying, apparently) mum has early on set dementia, so my dad (understandably) has taken it as an opportunity to rest, so has pushed loads onto me - your mum is hungry, can you make her lunch, mum can’t wait that long for dinner, don’t give her and more wine, have you ordered mum’s gifts from me yet, what have you bought your sisters kids from us to take back etc etc…… But I’m absolutely f**ked. I want a bottle of wine, a documentary and not a single person to need my assistance for 24-48 hours!!!!
Is this the reality of this stage of life?

YANBU. I’ve got a relative arriving today for a week and I’m totally dreading it already.

I think 8 weeks of parents staying would drain a lot of people. Especially a parent with dementia (I'm sorry about your mum). Can the visit be shorter next time?

Take your day with some wine!

8 weeks is stretching “the festive period” to its absolute limit. For that length of stay, people need to muck in, they can’t be guests. YANBU.

Book some more annual leave and make it just for you to recuperate.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

8 weeks is 15% of the year. That’s exhausting. It sounds like your Dad really put it all on you and that’s not fair. Having visitors is one thing, caring and managing for them and two of them of that must be difficult.

Rest up and decompress for as long as you need.

I wouldn’t last 3 days.

Oh good grief, 8 weeks!!! That kind of hosting is enough after about 4 days! Is there anyway you can have a couple more days leave to yourself? Even as sick?

Otterwise I guess smile and wave and fingers crossed for you that your first week back is slow (please don’t tell me you work in emergency medicine or a school or similar)!

So your dad isn't coping and dumped your mums care on your shoulders for two months. That's bad. No wonder you are at the end of your tether.

Have they got support at home? I assume you are all in Australia. You might have to trigger a referral to whatever social care / NHS equivalent agency can support them. This can't be your problem going forward. Your dad will need outside help.

8 weeks is insane. Why would you agree to this?

Tell your dad to fuck off on the slave driving, he can buy his own presents.

Ps I’m going to Malta in 2026. A very old and dear friend lives there and has offered for us to go and visit in the past. I messaged her after I had booked saying we are coming on these dates (gave her dates) and had booked a Hotel in this place. I then said be lovely to see you for either lunch and dinner. Very happy to come to you and if you can recommend somewhere to eat our near you and we can treat you and your husband that will be nice.

She emailed me back by return to say lovely would love lunch. Wouldn’t dream of imposing on her and her husband. And if we go out to lunch we will be paying.

“What have you bought your sister’s kids…?”

Cash in a card.

And absolute maximum 3 weeks next time and that’s only because it’s Australia.

We live overseas and if my parents come visit it’s for two weeks max. They are happy to go off and do their own thing. 8 weeks of hosting would drive me mad.

YANBU that sounds really hard work and I hope you get a break! Especially as a lot of little things have really been pushed on to you as extra, such as your dad's Christmas shopping. I can appreciate it's probably hard to push back against in such circumstances, too.

We've had a lot of time with my mum over the last 3 or so weeks. A 2 night trip away with her and two separate stays at her house - one for 3 nights. DH has low social battery anyway and works away for a bit of the week. The result is that he hasn't spent all that many days at home over the last few weeks - certainly not consecutively- and is actually pretty wiped! And our Christmas visits were nothing compared to yours.

OP you deserve a medal. I lasted 6 days visiting my parents and then came home. I was then poorly because every time I visit then I'm poorly, it's so stressful.

It is very intense. And this is something I don't think people factor in when choosing to live as an expat (assuming you chose to live in Australia rather than your dad and mum leaving?) Because usually they leave before they have families and before their parents get elderly so they don't have a sense of what the future holds in midlife with both kids to care for, and parents who, not to put too fine a point on it, are gradually dying.

Of course your parents are not your responsibility - you have a right to live where you want and make your own home. But living far away does come with some consequences, one of which is, if you do love them and want to see them, the times of visiting tend to be quite intense.

Would it help to reframe as gratitude that you don't have that level of support on your plate day to day? You've sort of packed in a year's worth of care and attention into your Xmas break.

Something else to consider is the progress of your mum's dementia - what support do they have in place at home?

Hi OP,
You are not unreasonable to be utterly exhausted and a bit disappointed that you didn't get a rest. Tell your own family (if you live with family) that you are wrung out and you would appreciate if they didn't make demands on you for now (I'm assuming that you don't have small children here!).

Try not to blame your dad - or your mum. 8 weeks is a long time and looking after your mum as she declines with dementia is your dad's reality all of the time usually.

Sadly it is quite likely that they won't come over again (assuming they live in UK) as that is a huge journey to make for an older person with dementia so it is unlikely you will have to do this over again in the future.

I think you should be proud of yourself that you have put your comfort aside and given up your holiday to prioritise your mum and dad (who are /will be ) in a pretty shitty position as dementia is awful.

Now as you have to go back to work try to prioritise yourself as best you can with lots of rest and easy food- and gratitude that you aren't looking after your mum with dementia all the time.

I’m just shattered - I need a month off!

I think it probably is a reality of life, especially when you combine having re-located to a distant country with increasingly frail parents.

If you lived in the UK the help for your Mum and Dad would be spread out across numerous weekends and as time goes on evolve into emergency dashes…. Ask me how I know.

ILs used to visit for extended periods from a long haul home country and it was v wearing, but no way round it, really.

Sit out with your wine and breathe! I hope you can find moments to recuperate.

How will your Mum and Dad manage as her needs become more acute?

I just don't understand why you have done this to yourself? You do realise you have the ability to say no to stuff?

That sounds really rough. Take the time you need to recover. I don’t think there is any easy route through this phase of life for anyone involved. It is a very fraught stage.

I know it’s tiring but I’m assuming they live a long haul flight away so I doubt they will come again it it’s this hard. It’s so expensive to fly to Australia now that they wanted to make the most of it. Do you have siblings who are stepping up for the rest of the year. I think if they return you need to be enabling your dad to do the simpler stuff himself etc have drinks and snacks he can fetch plus find out in advance what reasonable adjustments need to be in place eg if they eat at 6pm and you at 8pm normally can you bring dinner time forward at least half way or more? If they want you to help with shopping for gifts then getting a list organised by them in advance and so on. It’s a long time to host but probably easier in a way than being on call for 10 months of the year

Your dad was very unreasonable to put responsibility for everything and everyone onto you. Yes, it must be hard for him to look after your mum, but you aren't her respite care while he sits and does nothing as you have your own responsibilities.

You seem to be totally taken for granted so you need to stop doing everything for everyone and never let people stay for 8 weeks. I would say 3 weeks would be the maximum that I could cope with.

My uncle stayed for almost a year (hence my username) and it was like this daily. You will feel so much lighter when they go home.

8 weeks??? That's insane, even for parents coming from the other side of the world. Don't do it again.

Christ, I’d have been done it after 8 days let alone weeks!