AIBU to struggle to get over him when I brought this all on myself?

[PinkHyperQueen]

hey so I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can. basically I made a really stupid decision and I had an affair with my ex during autumn winter of this year after struggling with life for a while now, dealing with trauma, feeling stuck and losing hope. I know this is not an excuse for what I did. I’m a married woman with kids so I should know better. I know I’ve been unhappy with my life for so long and I think this whole thing was to get a break from it all. When I reconnected with my ex in the summer I never set out to have an affair and I’m disgusted in myself for doing so. I do love my husband and kids. I know he would be devastated if he ever were to find out.
The crossing of the line started late October. i invited him round to my house very late at night when my husband and kids were at in laws. I was drunk and had been struggling badly that week. I thought my drink was spiked and I needed someone to look after me to make sure I was ok. We cuddled and talked. Instantly I was brought back to my younger carefree days and I really felt at ease with him like it was the most natural thing in the world. We both realised the connection was still there. At this point I should have cooled off. We started talking every day then a couple weeks later we met up again and it crossed over to a full blown affair. We‘d sneak around several times a week. atrong feelings were involved on both sides. We realised we still loved each other. I wasn’t in the right place to upend my life in case it went wrong because I’m not stable on my own. He wanted to get me pregnant so it would make it easier for me to leave.
a few weeks ago his family found out. He still lives with them and they overheard him on the phone to me and confronted him. We decided that it’s best to end it and to give me time to either rebuild my marriage or leave. I think that’s for the best but I’m really struggling with the whole thing because I miss him so much it hurts. I think about the child we could have had too. I picture a beautiful daughter with dark hair just like him. I picture us being a happy family but I know that can never happen because I don’t have rights to my own house and I’m not successful. My in laws were nasty to me at Christmas and I so badly wanted to see my ex but couldn’t. I keep looking at old photos of us and wishing he was as mature as he is now back then because we would have never broken up.
other stuff has happened lately. He was nasty to me when I was really struggling 2 weeks ago and told me that I’ll never go far in life. that same day my mother in law was nasty and implied that I wasn’t a good mom. After everything that happened I wanted to not be here anymore that day. He has since apologised and he said those things out of hurt and anger.
what do I do? On one hand I want to rebuild my marriage but on the other I want to leave to be with my ex.

I say this kindly, but you really need to work on overcoming your extreme victim mentality. Your last post sums it up in a nutshell: everything happens to you and not because of you, and none of this is your fault. You sound like a primary age kid telling tales – it's because your MIL said something, your partner said something, your ex said something. Get some help to tackle that and start taking responsibility. You have children who are dependent on you. If you knuckle down and get a proper job and not a fantasy online one that doesn't pay, you might see your self-esteem improve too so you won't go chasing the stupid pipe dream your ex is offering.

Incidentally, when you took your son on the date, was there sexual contact between you and your ex? If so, that's a massive child safeguarding issue that deserves social services intervention.

She had sex with him in her house while her kids were there.

You love the drama. It’s all about you and you justifying it all because of your past trauma. Thing is a lot of us on here have trauma and we choose to end the cycle and not pass it onto our husbands and children. To get help and be better for our family.

You say you are going to change and do better yet don’t help yourself. You need to stop the affair, speak to your husband, get therapy, work hard in your job, and be a better mum. Focus on that rather than this ridiculous situation with your ex. This has been advised to you over and over by multiple people but you aren’t listening and I doubt you will until it all comes crashing down when you husband finds out and kicks you out. He may or may not go after custody of the children.

That's a bit of a stretch - she said they went to Starbucks - why would you assume they were having sex in public with her kid there?

Right, but that's a bit different to fucking in Starbucks with your kid next to you which is what that poster is implying

I don't actually think she meant inside Starbucks with everyone looking on over their customised Frappuccinos! 🤣

I'm assuming she meant in the car with the baby there.

Or up an alleyway for all we know.

The question is, how old are YOU? Christ this all reads like the diary of a fifteen-year old.
You’re not as mistake-prone or sweetly silly as you plead, given your careful assessment of how seriously being honest would adversely affect your own comfort and security.

I’m probably alone in this opinion, but think you need a bloody good shake.
This behaviour is so wrong, it takes my breath away.
But it’s ok because you still love your husband, and oh yeah, your kids are your number one priority.
Whether or not this ex is a master control freak or a pile of other red flags is NOT the issue. You chose to embark on this affair! Initial drunkenness isn’t any mitigation.

Yes, you do have to shoulder the guilt (and I hope shame), but you’d better sort things out at home because as sure as eggs is eggs, this is going to be talked about by that ex. and those others he told.
😤

Dont make your life more complicated and painful by having an affair. You sound like you are already in a bad place and adding more problems is not going to help. The ex is just a sticking plaster in an unhappy situation, he doesnt sound a great person if hes happy to have an affair with a married woman.

Take a breather. Tell the ex its over, work on yourself, decide what you need and what is missing and go from there.

Leave the kids with your husband and his family. You shouldn’t be around them until you snap back into reality.

Ugh, that is grim, grim behaviour.

Not stretching. I just missed that it was Starbucks and assumed it was at his house. But she did sleep with him at her house while all the kids were there, so there's that.

Thank you! Not sure why that poster is taking such umbrage my mistaken comment.

Nothing like that happened in public during the affair. It was all behind closed doors. All we did in Starbucks was hug and talk

I think anyone who's been cheated on/in a narcissistic relationship should read this thread and @PinkHyperQueen responses. This is how they think.

I obviously feel very triggered by this thread as i've been in the receiving end of this treatment. The lack of accountability, victim-mentality, entitlement and self-centredness does so much damage to the ones that love them the most. @PinkHyperQueen doesnt love back and doesnt care. She will continue on. Causing a shit storm whereever she goes..

Wow! @Sofamonkey2day, such a poignant, honest and informative post!

I hope you’re healing! Your post gives insight into how strange this thread comes across to those of us who have no experience of this.

And explains why OP will post again and again with such an air of detachment. It begins to make sense.

Thank you!

Yabu - grow up

You leave and leave the kids with your husband.

You are not offering your kids stability at the moment...you are taking them to meet the bloke you are having an affair with and more concerned with having sex with your ex than your family life

You have brought everything on yourself and its excuse after excuse with you. I remember your thread a few months ago as well...you got good advice on there and ignored it all

Tell your poor husband the truth and if he wants you to leave, then leave and sort yourself out .. don't go running back to your ex or another bloke

I'm sure I've read posts from you before OP. Previously you hadn't yet had the affair and posters advised you to cut contact with the ex and you didn't listen. I'm unsure what you're hoping to achieve with this post as I really doubt you'll take anything on board.

I have never encountered a more self-absorbed, vapid, vain, narcissistic, delusional, envious, me me me poster in my life. So many of us have had unbelievably worse things happen to us, so horrible I won't even post. But we manage to not fuck other men and put our kids in harms way. You are breaking down over being jealous about others on social media. You are completely self absorbed. You lack a conscience or the ability to have any sympathy or empathy for anyone. The guilt is not yours to carry because you don't know what that is. You are a true narcissist through and through.

Your inlaws dislike you because they know their son made a horrible choice for a wife. They see you for who you are and good for them. The only one wrong here is you. Hopefully your DH finds out soon and gets your kids away from you to a safe environment. You deserve nothing from him but his contempt and anger.

OP will never take blame for anything. Every post is the same blah blah I am do disgusting. But it only gives her the validation she is craving so desperately. Posting anymore is just feeding her ego.

All of this! I can’t believe she’s even a mother tbh. Just obnoxiously self-absorbed, but dangerously so for her children. She won’t learn though, probably on TikTok making “content” about it as we speak.

Thanks everyone for the shake. I’m sorry I came across with a stupid victim mindset and I also need to work on that. I’ve acted disgracefully this past while back but this is a wake up call. One thing I’ll never do again is have another affair because it’s not worth it

"Ineedatellingoff · 06/11/2025 07:35
I’m not going to mention a thing to him and I’m going to treat this as a wake up call to sort myself out"

I thought this was your wake up call two months ago before you started your affair and exposed your children to more of your appalling behavior. Of course that was after you let a man finger and grope you in a bar and then you invited your ex back to your marital bed the same night so really it is to be expected of you.

Perhaps you should check into a hotel for the free wake up call services they provide. The ones on mumsnet clearly aren't working for you 🙄

Blahblah.. The only correct thing to do would be to tell your husband and let him get on with his life. Life thats based on facts and clarity. Something you wont ever be able to provide. You always need a side piece to shag, hug or text for 'support'. Its also called narcissistic supply.

But you wont because you just want to keep the comfortable life you have right now as long as possible. You dont care about dh at all, or his wellbeing. You don't care about your kids at all or their welbeing.

Narcissists do know right from wrong. Thats why they hide their wrong actions and display the good. They know what to say when caught: Im sorry. I'll sort myself out. I didnt mean to hurt anyone. Its because i was struggling. I feel disgusting. I really need to be told off. But it means nothing. It just takes the heat off them for a while and off they go again.

Your poor dh and small children. You are putting them through a rough ride.

OP, it's abundantly clear that you have serious mental health issues and/or a personality disorder. I say that with the best of intentions.

I don't think anyone here will get through to you but if you don't want your life to go down the pan, you need a therapist or psychiatrist (I'm offering advice on the off chance). If you can afford to see one privately, I would as a matter of urgency.

It wouldn't necessarily mean taking medication but side effects are the least of your worries.

How have you taken accountability when you haven't confessed anything to your husband? He's mist likely going to find out. Your ex's family knows so word will get around