AIBU to struggle to get over him when I brought this all on myself?

[PinkHyperQueen]

hey so I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can. basically I made a really stupid decision and I had an affair with my ex during autumn winter of this year after struggling with life for a while now, dealing with trauma, feeling stuck and losing hope. I know this is not an excuse for what I did. I’m a married woman with kids so I should know better. I know I’ve been unhappy with my life for so long and I think this whole thing was to get a break from it all. When I reconnected with my ex in the summer I never set out to have an affair and I’m disgusted in myself for doing so. I do love my husband and kids. I know he would be devastated if he ever were to find out.
The crossing of the line started late October. i invited him round to my house very late at night when my husband and kids were at in laws. I was drunk and had been struggling badly that week. I thought my drink was spiked and I needed someone to look after me to make sure I was ok. We cuddled and talked. Instantly I was brought back to my younger carefree days and I really felt at ease with him like it was the most natural thing in the world. We both realised the connection was still there. At this point I should have cooled off. We started talking every day then a couple weeks later we met up again and it crossed over to a full blown affair. We‘d sneak around several times a week. atrong feelings were involved on both sides. We realised we still loved each other. I wasn’t in the right place to upend my life in case it went wrong because I’m not stable on my own. He wanted to get me pregnant so it would make it easier for me to leave.
a few weeks ago his family found out. He still lives with them and they overheard him on the phone to me and confronted him. We decided that it’s best to end it and to give me time to either rebuild my marriage or leave. I think that’s for the best but I’m really struggling with the whole thing because I miss him so much it hurts. I think about the child we could have had too. I picture a beautiful daughter with dark hair just like him. I picture us being a happy family but I know that can never happen because I don’t have rights to my own house and I’m not successful. My in laws were nasty to me at Christmas and I so badly wanted to see my ex but couldn’t. I keep looking at old photos of us and wishing he was as mature as he is now back then because we would have never broken up.
other stuff has happened lately. He was nasty to me when I was really struggling 2 weeks ago and told me that I’ll never go far in life. that same day my mother in law was nasty and implied that I wasn’t a good mom. After everything that happened I wanted to not be here anymore that day. He has since apologised and he said those things out of hurt and anger.
what do I do? On one hand I want to rebuild my marriage but on the other I want to leave to be with my ex.

@PinkHyperQueen, I too remember your disturbing first thread as well as a second one you posted after the affair was under way. Like this third thread, the others detailed your reckless, self-indulgent behavior. Your responses to posters’ excellent, wise advice was the same — agreeing that your behavior was disgraceful, self-destructive, and unfair/harmful to your H and children. You admitted reigniting the flame with Ex while initially vowing to resist an affair and agreeing that you desperately need counseling …

I recall that you cheated with two men on Halloween night. Earlier that evening in a bar you allowed a random stranger to touch you intimately. Afterwards you ‘cuddled’ with your Ex in your marital bed. Soon after your affair began and you involved your home and children. You chose to publicly and privately make a mockery of your H, your marriage, and your family.

@PinkHyperQueen, you are in dire need of therapy to strengthen your
self-esteem, learn effective coping strategies, and change your victim mind-set so that you become accountable and make positive choices for yourself and your family.

You must stay away from your Ex and see with clarity that he is abusive. He does not have your or your children’s best interests at heart. He helped you shit all over your H by joining you in H’s bed. He manipulated you by cooing that he wanted to help you be happy and could do that with ‘amazing sex’. Then the coercion began by requiring you to cease sex with H and try for a baby with him (a horrific idea). He also threatened to beat you up if you ever cheated. He treated you poorly previously and is still a nasty piece of work, yet you crave his presence and seek his validation. I wouldn’t let such a pig anywhere near my children.

As for your H, he does not deserve the shit sandwiches you have been serving him. You have stolen his agency and consent, cuckolded him, and jeopardized his health. He deserves to know the truth about his life and marriage, and he needs to hear it from you. He can then decide if he wants to move forward with or without you. If you stay together you must pour your efforts into restoring his trust. If you aren’t committed, leave with decency and integrity.

OP, this is the best advice you could be given. I know ypu must be busy with the 3 little ones, but please don’t just give it your usual glib response “I know, it’s disgusting”, “I know, I am going to stop”, “I know, I wish I
hadn’t”.

Please take your time and absorb what is being said here. You do seem to be brushing it all aside.

There are very serious things at stake here, things are bad, but could get a lot worse. Are you going to seek professional help? If so how and when?

Oh my! I just read the other thread and her responses were all the same as in this one. 'I know im disgusting...I need to sort myself out..I need to grow up...'

My bet is that OP will carry on with the affair as soon as she can justify it with some external comment or with how she feels on a certain day or the circumstances she finds herself in.

@PinkHyperQueen why even post? You will carry on, eventually your dh will find out and he will kick you out with the help of his family. They will all say how they were right about you. Your dh will get the custody of the kids if he's a good dad. You will blame everyone of being awful to you. Your amazing affair partner stays with you but becomes controlling as soon as he has you, and the magic of the affair no longer there. Worst case scenario you live with his parents and have that baby with him. He doesn't work, situation is bad, and your life is shit again. Then what you do? Go party again and find someone else to give you attention? As a mother of 4?

You don't say how old you are. If you are very pretty/good looking, do you realise that wont last forever? When your looks go, where will you find validation and meaning into your life then? Because it seems family and children cant do that for you.

Youve already ruined your life as it is. Its just a matter of time when your dh finds out.

Your DH has a right to know youve been with another sexual partner. You are robbing him of consent. Have you had an std test?

Yes…something to do with ‘cuddles’ if I recall.

On your first thread (I don’t think I saw the second) a lot of us dealt you were enjoying the attention and revelling in it rather than had any contrite. Sorry but still on reading your posts I still feel the same. You won’t take anyone’s advice but you are loving this situation. You didn’t really give any thought to your husband or kids then and I don’t think you are now. It’s very sad they don’t deserve this.

No you won’t, you will be back in 4-6 months complaining your pregnant with your ex and don’t know what to do.
if your husband has any sense he will file for custody & divorce you. I can’t believe you were shagging your ex while your kids were in the next room asleep & your husband - their dad was out of the house, that is really grim. What if they had woken up and witnessed it?

WTF? You both sound like immature teenagers. What would your DH do if he found out about your affair? Would he end the marriage?

Are you financially dependent on your DH?

And obviously your ex is completely trustworthy and wouldn't ever lie to get unprotected sex.

If you are putting the 'ex who can really bang me hard' above your own very small children, including a baby, you may not be the best person to bring them up.

Your ex cannot be trusted and you have built up a ridiculous fantasy.

He can’t be trusted because he was nasty to you and said unforgivable things when you were / are vulnerable.

He cannot be trusted because the pregnancy plan was stupid, manipulative and just… wrong. Ethically wrong. How could he suggest such a thing,

He cannot be trusted because he has a weird relationship with his family.

You need to sort yourself out.

You may or may not end up wanting to stay in your marriage but it is exploitative to stay just because you are not stable in your own. And irresponsible to leave on the basis of a fantasy (dark haired princess Dd FFS) with an untrustworthy man.

You need to be OK on your own emotional self sufficiency before entering into any new relationship.

So: counselling, self help books, build yourself up. Pay attention to your marriage, think ‘what can I contribute’ rather than ‘he has to take responsibility for me’.

Don’t stymie yourself with guilt and self hate over this. Use it as a learning experience to empower yourself for your future.

Thanks everyone for your advice and responses. I’m going to be getting help soon. I’ll be focusing on rebuilding myself, my marriage, my life and being the best mum I can be. My actions were disgraceful and I wish I would’ve listened and not gone there in the first place as it left me torn between 2 men and the potential hurt that this will cause if it gets out is terrible.

for context here’s what lead me to this stupid affair.

*when I got with my husband that first year I was the happiest I’d ever been (apart from the first 2 months when I was with ex). I rarely struggled with my mental health. I finally felt like an adult in my life as my family were no where near as controlling as they were compared to before throughout my life. Yes some things still bothered me but I was content for once in my life.

*that didn’t last because a big fight happened before the wedding. Me and my husband both went through so much stress and trauma. I became really depressed and burnt out for a long time. Sister in law got pregnant at the same time that my happy life blew up and it has never fully felt the same since. I was never allowed to forget about it by my family. Both families said and did horrible things during that time.the house that hubby’s brother gave us and promised to take his name off of it a year later didn’t do so because sister in law needed to claim as single parent to get most of her childcare paid for by uc leaving me struggling financially because half my benefits got stopped when I officially moved in and wasn’t getting anything from uc because they take everyone in the households earnings into consideration and hubby earns too much even though people are on more than him but still get uc. This left me struggling until I got a job (my family prevented me from working)

*during my pregnancy I was medically neglected which negatively impacted my life and work. I struggled badly with mental health. I had gender disappointment and was scared my child would end up disabled and I’d get no support. Got fired from job at 7 months pregnant.

*I snapped and had a breakdown at 8 months pregnant after my dad shouted at me whilst knowing I’d be struggling causing me to fall down the stairs.

*when baby was born things calmed down and I got lots of help. I felt the best I had in years but this only lasted a few months until the bad thoughts snuck in. Everytime my child cried thoughts telling me I’m a failure rang in my ears, I would see others have more than me in life, getting good jobs, easing motherhood, holidays, better looking than me, more friends etc and this would make it worse. I struggled to sleep and I had a bad breakdown. In laws were fed up and marched me to the doctors to go on tablets. I didn’t take the tablets because I was scared of the side affects and I knew this would pass. Couldn’t trust the doctor because they didn’t want to diagnose me with anything.

*in laws kept pestering me and made me feel like shit every time I saw them and they would make rude remarks. Hubby wouldn’t stick up for me and sometimes would join them. This made my pnd so much worse. I started lashing out and being nasty to strangers online which is disgusting but I was so low and I felt I needed to offload my anger and I did it so unhealthily. Hubby also said on some occasions that he would divorce me and take full custody of dc. I couldn’t talk to my family because it would’ve made everything worse.

*I’ve been struggling to get a job this past year and I’ve had letdowns after letdowns in terms of success both in the working world and online through content creation. I would still get jealous of others because I was missing out on success and not getting out of the house much.

*I began to really detach from my life and my husband. I became close with a guyfriend but there was no affair. I looked forward to his messages and just talking to him and he is a brilliant support. I had a crash during summer because on a night out he kissed another girl who threw a drink round me and I struggled to understand why I was so upset. It happened the same week as not passing a course to get a good job.

*in October I crashed again. Bad remarks were made by mother in law and during a time I was really struggling to see the point in everything. That day I seen some TikTok girl win an award that I wanted at a social media awards night that I didn’t even make the finals for. It left me feeling so angry and hopeless about myself and my life. This was the week everything kicked off

At Christmas the atmosphere at in laws place felt different. I was happy because it was Christmas and was quite hyper. I noticed MIL couldn’t do enough for SIL. Constantly praising her for her new job (nothing wrong with that), serving her her dinner first and me last to herself, talking away to her more than me and making sure she had special drinks in just for her but no gin for me. When I was singing and joking I was told by FIL that I ruin everyone Christmas every year because I’m too loud and hyper. Also got told I’m making my son too hyper and that if he gets misdiagnosed with autism then it’s all my fault etc.

You cannot rebuild your marriage based on lies it won’t work. You need to come clean.

A happy family with you, a new baby and your existing kids whose family he broke up and whose father he transplanted? Sounds idyllic 🙄
I remember the thread you posted after you were supposedly 'spiked' and you got good advice then which you ignored. This ex is not a good person. You are vulnerable and emotionally damaged. You need to block the ex and stop thinking of fantasy scenarios that will never happen. Take responsibility, make a decision about your life now and make it better for yourself and your kids. A man isn't going to save you.

I see your point but then where would me and my kids go?

You’re right I’m working on rebuilding myself

How do you know ex doesn't have an STI? Because you asked him?!
Go get an STI check FGS. You're being unfair on your husband to continue to have sex with him without one.

Should of thought of that before hand? You must come clean, he will find out eventually and it will be worse if it doesn’t come from you.

@PinkHyperQueen, it all just drama though, isn’t it? Could that be the root of all of your problems. Do you thrive on it?

I couldn’t give you such a detailed dramatisation of my immediate families thoughts, feelings and actions because we all just get on with life, yes, support each but avoid drama. And despite my love for them, I haven’t got the energy for that level of scrutiny and bitching.

From what you say, you do not get support from either family. Not good! And so if you do not get the support why do you accept and embroil yourself in the opposite - the drama. Step away! Unfortunately your in laws owe you nothing if they are that kind of family and more unfortunate, neither do your family, if they are that way too! If your DH is that way, then you really do need to consider life post marriage!

Be on your own, you don’t need a man, if your marriage doesn’t work. With three children, it would be unethical of you to be considering putting them into a new relationship. Give them time and space to grow up, in a safe and loving environment. They cannot speak up for themselves. Remember you are the key to who they become as adults and right now, their future doesn’t look very positive.

Tell your husband the extent of the mess you are in!

In what way are you working on rebuilding yourself?

what actions have you taken?

from what I’ve read, the affair started in October. You shagged in your marital bed, took DC to a date with AP, had convos about STIs and trying for a baby, had Christmas, applied for loads of jobs, ended the affair.

All in 3 months.

I can’t see any effort to get your life sorted. Or spend time with your DC or DH.

Your posts are full of self pity and justification.

stop victimising yourself. Book a GP appointment or self refer for counselling. Start prioritising DC.

Thats a very polite way to put it.

She's been getting fingered in public by random men and shagging her ex in her husband's bed whilst fantasising about having babies with him. And now she's decided that she shouldn't tell her husband because she deserves to bear this guilt alone 😂

Tell your husband what you've been doing OP. The level of betrayal here is appalling, he deserves to know.

You need a GP appointment. Good luck x

They will always come first? Or just in second place after your affair?

That's not his problem and what makes you so sure you'd be taking the kids?

What the hell?! It's all me me me me..everyone else has it better than me. Life is so unfair and i dont get what i need. And even when i am happy my life comes crashing down by some comments someone made somewhere and seeing stuff on social media that should happen to ME!!

Yes you must be traumatised by your childhood it previous experiences. But so are many others. You choose your actions. You are the baddie here. You are the most self-centered person ive ever come accross here. If you loose your kids to your exh, i am sorry to say but you seem to deserve it. You dont want to be a mother. And you dont want to be a grown up. You should not try make any vulnerable being like your children come along on this shit drama carousel you enjoy. Do it alone. Leave your husband. Get double contraception to avoid further damage and go bang as many guys you can find.

Other people are not responsible for your happiness and making you feel good. You probably dont make anyone feel good anyways. Its all about you.

The things you detailed and say to have gone through are not especially horrific. Many of us have had similar. Or far far worse. You are the one putting your family through the worst shit possible. You.
I hope your dh finds out soon.