To find it laughable that people call it “self-care” to ignore others?

[PoliteEnoughNotToGhost]

I keep seeing people act like ghosting, avoiding messages or pulling away from loved ones is some kind of empowered boundary. But since when did basic decency or communication become optional in the name of “self-care”?

Isn’t it possible to look after yourself without treating others like they’re disposable?
AIBU to think that a lot of this is just emotional laziness dressed up in self-help language?

Why are you still friends with this person?

I have tendencies to be a people pleaser which I need to rein in from time to time
I also hate letting people down so will often carry on with plans even when I shouldn’t due to illness and then make myself worse
Started with a chesty cough cold after Xmas but felt committed to NYE, NYD and going back to work on 2nd
Now I’ve got pleurisy and am apparently at risk of it turning into pneumonia so have had to cancel everyone and everything

So what’s the difficult conversation? Who wants to have it and to what ends?
those who talk in such therapy babble as op I’ve found are self centred attention seekers , who can’t see others as individuals and only as existing as bit players in their me-show!

There's a reason why multiple people have walked away from you.

It ain't them

You cannot make people engage with you if they don't want to, I get a bit sick of being contactable and if I could I would not have a phone tbh.

Over the last few years there seems an increase in people adding back stories to situations when one person has read a whatsapp message but not replied to some rational people it could be because there child jusy threw up or they were in the of cooking and then forgot to reply

To other needy people the person was deliberately ignoring them or somome other drama, same with all these schoolparent and play group/date dramas if people come across as needy why is it a surprise they will be moved on from

It seems to be the modern way that many people refuse any interaction with others unless they’re personally gaining something from it. They wouldn’t ever put themselves out for somebody else’s benefit or pleasure. You see people on here moaning all the time that they don’t want to give up their free time to visit parents/ILs. You can be sure they’ll still be expecting an inheritance though!

I don't see how what you have described would fall into the category of "self-care" unless perhaps someone is "ignoring others" in the sense of not immediately dropping everything and tending to the other person's wants or needs at the expense of their own - for example, someone calls or texts you or asks you to do something right when you were planning to take a nap or a bath or watch crap television. In that case, it's absolutely OK for you to let the call go to voicemail, not answer the text, or say "not now" to the other person and go ahead with your plans even though whatever you were going to do was just for your own well-being/benefit and "could" have waited.

If you mean someone treats another person badly or makes a mistake and refuses EVER to discuss it and calls that "self-care", that's just someone using a term incorrectly. I haven't encountered that, though.

Boundaries are the distance from which I can love you and me simultaneously 😍😍

Yes and some people need a reply with a minute or cry they are being ignored

It depends. If someone does you wrong then they know what they’ve done and they’re not owed an explanation.

“blanket justification for avoiding any difficult conversation or accountability, even in otherwise functional relationships“

I suspect they aren’t functional if things feel uncomfortable

Yeah. I think if someone’s distancing themselves from you on ‘self care’ grounds, you have probably failed to take several hundred hints to back off and stop pestering them, tbh.

YANBU but I do it. I don't call it self-care and it's nothing to do with difficult relationships. I just have horrendously low energy reserves and communication is an activity. If I need to choose between a meaningful conversation (of any length) and eating a balanced meal, I'm taking the food.

Typing on here takes less energy because I don't care if I've inadvertently pissed you off, and you don't care if I've read your post or not 😂

Did you type that with your penis?

Otherwise I fail to see what your sex has to do with anything?

Haha, yes 😂 I suspect the PP labours under the delusion that women are chastened by the thought of A Man's disapproval.

Bless his little cotton socks.

This doesn’t sound like ‘self care’ it sounds like healthy boundaries.
Nobody owes you their time or energy. If someone goes off radar for a couple of days then that is their right. This notion that people should be available to others and answer messages instantly is very strange and needy

I have a difficult relationship with my family. I find it very draining to be around them. I see them in special occasions only.
Is that not self care to put myself first and be low contact?

Healthy relationships are about give and take. Sometimes we have to show up for people even if we're running low on resources ourselves. It's fine to cut off one-sided or harmful relationships, but we can't complain if we deprioritise friendships and then find ourselves deprioritised in return.

It depends on the person/people and the situation though op.

It’s totally legitimate to walk away when someone is harming you.

It’s not legitimate to treat other people badly and not hold yourself accountable, just because you think you’re worth it.

But context is everything.

I think it really depends on the situation.

I have a friend who will let everyone know she's going "off grid' for a weekend because she wants some peace and quiet away from her phone. She has a very busy job, very high stress. She will continue any conversations she was having with you when that time is up. I don't have a problem with that - I wouldn't necessarily do it, but I absolutely get it.

I have an acquaintance (lives in my village) who is too much. She's generally a nice person, but she wants you to text her 24/7 and it's all about her ailments, her life at home and what she's doing, what she made for lunch, what her toddler is doing, what time her husband is home from work, on and on endlessly. Telling her I'm busy doesn't work. I have a job and a family, and I have other friends who have interesting conversations that, frankly, I'd much rather be talking to if I'm on my phone. So I do just ignore her sometimes. And yes, she throws a strop and gets extremely passive aggressive. If I didn't have to deal with her in person every day, I'd tell her to bugger off. I have zero guilt about leaving her on read for my own sanity.

Having boundaries is important. And often when people realise that they need to put boundaries in place others react badly to that.

Travel fairy, I used to have a friend like this, and after she cancelled 4 meetups out of 6 & was pissed and fell asleep on me on the 5th, so there was 1 dinner date that was okay., I disappeared at that point for my health, i did block her for a few hours where upon unblocking her id found she had blocked me & has left it for months. These people are not friends & for your mh it's worthwhile letting go and moving on.

I agree in some cases op. I have a friend who’s no contact with lots of friends as well as her sibling. She’s definitely the one with the issues. She’s now become a psychotherapist! It’s really sad actually. But there’s no talking to her about it. She misses out on so much. She’s actually pretty alone as a result of her own behaviour.