To see Dh in school holidays, would it work as a family

[Chilliforteatonight]

Currently live abroad, 2 ish hours from the uk

I want to move back for Dd’s schooling and to be close for ageing parents

Dh has a business where we currently are and can make more money than in the uk

Do you think a family could survive seeing each other every half term holiday? We would fly over for every school holiday and spend all summer there. Any extra holidays Dh has he would come to us.

I can continue my career and make more money in the uk (v difficult to do where we are)

Does this sound crazy or could it work?

Only you can guage the strength of your relationship to know if this can stand a chance of working. I’d guess that most relationships would not withstand this.

I don’t think it’s a great idea long term.

What happens when your kids want to do things in the half term with their friends? They'll miss birthday parties, playing out, exploring etc. they'll feel perpetually torn between seeing friends and visiting dad. Trips to dad will start to feel like a chore. He'll want to spend time with them and they'll be wanting to do normal kids things with peers.
It would be a huge no for me

What age is your DD?

This sort of setup works for some families, but those are mostly not western culturally.

Can you not find a UK-curriculum schooling option where you are? Many of the more typical expat destinations have that.
Generally - I think if you want to move for education - the first few years of primary school are not worth it, certainly not while kids are 4-7yo. I'd consider moving a bit later - if it's only for education.
Your career prospects is a different matter. It is important to be able to have your own career/income - and I'd certainly move for that.

What does your H think about it all?

Many families with a parent serving in the armed forces make it work and see each other much less. Quality not quantity

It works for many families plus it’s not even a choice but for others they can’t make it work. How does he feel?

Is running 2 households and paying for multiple flights per year really affordable? I know you said dh can earn more in the other country, but it must be a shitload more to be able to support those additional expenses. And is that how you want to spend your money, living apart for 6 weeks to have a snatched week together only to repeat the cycle all over again?

I know a family who do this and have done for nearly 10 years. The mum lives and works in London with the kids and the dad runs a business abroad. What helps is easy access to airports in the uk. Plus the dad lives in a popular european holiday destination. So flights are quick, easy and accessible.
If you are not planning to live an easy tube/train ride from a uk airport then it would be much harder.

Would be a pretty unusual man who wouldn't get resentful at missing out on his daughter, his wife, and let's face it sex, for six weeks at a time partially because his wife wants to mind her parents. Not a risk I'd take.

To add the dad runs his own business so can be pretty flexible and hop across when things are quiet - his holidays are not limited. Plus the mum works termtime only so lots of holidays too.

I think the travelling would get very old very quickly.

And your DD is eventually going to want to spend time with her school friends during the holidays.

It depends on how much time, years, this will go on for.
I know my relationship could survive this, if it was in the best interests of the children.
It might even be fun.

Be honest with yourself. I have lived the expat life and while it has a lot of perks, sometimes you just miss home, especially at this time of year.
Is it really all about education or do you just want to be home with family and old friends.
it’s a hard decision to make

I don't think it would work long term. Too much time apart with no real end goal of living together again.

Plenty of families send their kids to boarding school so only spend time together in the holidays.

One parent doesn't normally go with the child though.

What does your oh think?

I'd hate this if I was the staying abroad parent and would not agree to it. I wouldn't not want to see my child for weeks at a time and would not feel like an involved parent

I also think its unfair on the child. They might find it ok at first but then as they get older, regardless of the missing their other parent, they may also not want to be away from their friends and home every single school holiday.

I feel like you are the only one having any real benefit in the scenario in that you want to move back to UK and you feel this is your way to do it but I don't think anyone else benefits really

When DD was aged 6-10, DH had to work overseas for a fortnight and at home for a fortnight, consistently for 4 years (during the last recession). Travelling to his location was not feasible. And I am currently overseas (fully) while he is at home and DD finished her final exams in school and has done a year overseas. I aim to get home every 4-6 weeks for a weekend, DH travels to me when he can but it’s less than he expected. I have another 20 months to go.

It is hard going. FaceTime and WhatsApp are important to keep in touch - we used to have bad zoom calls but can now eat dinner “together”
most nights. The person away is working hard and tired. The person at home is keeping it all together and resentful. And it is more expensive as both sides do more convenience than they likely would if both together and sharing the load more evenly.

But we did it because it was important and made the effort. It is hard to keep the couple part of us going, because of distance and then tiredness when we are in the same place. But we work at keeping connected and we are still happy together. And DD has benefitted from the stability. And both of us have kept careers going because of it too.

I am the child of a military father and went to boarding school (from 11 to 18). My father was away for the first 9 months of my life, home for 4 weeks then away until I was 2. He was aboard ships throughout my childhood, more away than home but we moved as a family when I was 6, 8 and 11 (hence boarding school). I have a very poor relationship with my father, he missed important events in my early life and generally had no idea about my interests. My Mum and I were very close (she is no longer alive unfortunately) and I know she struggled with the apart time but also with the together time because normal routines were upended. Please think carefully about how this will impact your child in the long term as well as the short term.

I wouldn’t risk an otherwise happy family and marriage for it nor would I split my kids from their dad. And my DH would never allow me to do it, nor would I allow him. If he went it’d be alone and with divorce papers. Either we all move or none of us do.

Frankly I think it’s more important my children have access to both their parents than that my parents have access to me. There’s nothing that brilliant about British schools.

What age are the children?

Because from mid-primary age and more so into pre-teens my children's lives centred around their friendships, sports and socialising. They would be hugely unhappy to spend every holiday away from that. It's very different situation from a few family holidays, they would literally never have along break at home.

They would also miss out on so many opportunities for their sports - many teams just won't consider someone who isn't available for fixtures and training during holidays.

So you want to solo parent in school term, work and look after aging parents? Why would you do that to yourself? Thats a recipe for burnout if ever I heard of one!