To see Dh in school holidays, would it work as a family

[Chilliforteatonight]

Currently live abroad, 2 ish hours from the uk

I want to move back for Dd’s schooling and to be close for ageing parents

Dh has a business where we currently are and can make more money than in the uk

Do you think a family could survive seeing each other every half term holiday? We would fly over for every school holiday and spend all summer there. Any extra holidays Dh has he would come to us.

I can continue my career and make more money in the uk (v difficult to do where we are)

Does this sound crazy or could it work?

No way. This would end all but the strongest of relationships. In fact I know a family whose DH has been away 9 months of 12 for work for the last 7 years - they recently split.

How will you work plus have all school holidays off? Plus earn enough to run a home in the UK on a single income plus childcare.

DH weekly commutes... its not been easy. The relationship bit between us all is fine. Its just the exhaustion.

No it won’t work, your child won’t be close to their dad at all and your relationship is likey is fail. Terrible idea.

No, your Dc wouldn’t be close to her dad and your relationship would suffer. What happens when DC want to do things in the holidays with their friends or their activities? They’ll miss out.

But to counterbalance the “it can be done”, I’d also add that all the sickness of DD was on me so I had to take time off; cover the inset days or unexpected school closures. DH covered some school holidays when he was home - but he missed a good few. It is lonely. There is far less time for any time with friends or gym or culture. Life revolves around work, school run, dinner, housework and homework, small bit of telly, sleep, repeat…

And when (not if!) things went wrong in the house, I had to deal with them rather than leave it to DH.

Why would you think this was a good idea? What does your DH think?

How would you feel if he found someone else?

Why not just fly to see your parents every half term?

I’ve only done a long distance relationship for 6 months and it was exhausting even without kids. Part of that was the early flights to maximise together time, but also trying to find time to talk and connect. We definitely drifted apart.
Maybe going for longer stretches would work better, but is there really no way for your DH to move back to uk if it’s better for your DD and you work wise? Does he not want to? Could you maybe make a plan where you move first and he follows a year or two later?

Have you put any serious thought into how this would actually work? You might like the idea but I suspect you haven't thought about how it would play out in reality.

How would you manage financially? I think you'd have to be a fairly wealthy couple to be able to pay 2 rents/mortgages and all the bills for 2 households-water, council tax, electricity, house repairs and then all other costs such as food, daily travel etc. Plus there's the cost of travelling regularly between the 2 countries. Can you, as a family, easily manage this, are you up to date on UK costs of living?

Are you planning to be your parents' carer, have you thought carefully about all that it involves and the impact it will have on you and your Dd?

It's not fair to your Dh or your Dd to be separated like that. Is your Dh ok with this idea?? I doubt it! How will your marriage survive?

It's also unfair that your Dd will have to lose out on time with friends because she's always travelling.

I think it's a very bad idea to move. You would be disrupting your family to get what you want, as there doesn't seem to be any benefit to your Dh or Dd. Instead, arrange more frequent visits to your parents and look into retraining and improving your fluency in the language, if necessary, to improve your job prospects where you are.

You all move or noone moves.

I would consider it and have an either side veto after one school year.

No good for a family and children - an absent father isn't great and also, this is how extra marital affairs start 😑

My kids would have hated not being able to see their friends or doing their hobbies during any of the school holidays. It would work much better if your family home is where the kids live and the dad spends more time there instead,

8

Thanks everyone, lots of things I haven’t quite thought about yet. It sounds like it’s really not doable

My issue is I believe we’d have a better life and overall life for all of us, especially Dd, but Dh is really flying now in his career where we are and doesn’t want to give that up
It’s a hard one

If both of you are secure in your relationship and you don’t mind not having the companionship, then yes I believe it could work.
It would definitely work short term.

But you would be doing 90% of the parenting and I think this is where things could get difficult.

The school holidays are typically 13 weeks which you could spend over there and then his 4 weeks annual leave over here = 17 weeks.
17 weeks out of 52 isn’t ideal but I know many men who work away during the week and see their wives and kids much less.

I would actually love a partner that lived elsewhere but I sometimes feel sorry for the women left behind, especially with young kids - they’re not technically single parents and can’t call themselves that but they still must feel like it.

I guess it’s up to DH and whether he’d want to continue the relationship but I think your mind is made up and so personally I would try it for a couple of years and if it meant risking my relationship then so be it.

What country are you currently in? Uk isn’t exactly a great place to thrive at the moment.

Is your relationship good?

I am trying to work out if it would be easier to just separate?

I would probably try it with the expectation that it could be the end of the relationship but I think I’d be ok with that if it meant me being closer to elderly parents etc.

I live overseas. I see lots of happy families do this.

if it’s mainly because you miss family then make a plan that he sticks to. For example you fly back xxx amount of week a year.

It’s ok, not great.

I can’t separate completely as he wouldn’t want me to return to the uk with Dd

People in the armed forces do this all the time

Growing up, my dad worked away 3 or 4 days out of 5 every week. He was home on weekends and maybe 1 or 2 nights each week.

Honestly, it really damaged my relationship with him. I had no respect for his authority from about age 4! I saw him as an inconvenience as I got older as he usually was not around and my mother and I had a rhythm, which he interrupted. I did not see him as part of our family, though I did welcome affection from him.

He did a lot of gift buying to compensate and it’s left me with a real complex over receiving gifts.

Also, this did also damage my relationship with my mother as she was clearly overstretched with solo parenting, even with a nanny, and was caught between the dynamic with me and my dad.

My experience - we were 7 hours from uk. Pretty much everyone who came out without family ended in divorce.

I think if you value your marriage it has to be rock solid with a clear end point to the setup. I would say I have a strong marriage but I wouldn’t wish to be separated from him like this, I think it’s hugely risky