To see Dh in school holidays, would it work as a family

[Chilliforteatonight]

Currently live abroad, 2 ish hours from the uk

I want to move back for Dd’s schooling and to be close for ageing parents

Dh has a business where we currently are and can make more money than in the uk

Do you think a family could survive seeing each other every half term holiday? We would fly over for every school holiday and spend all summer there. Any extra holidays Dh has he would come to us.

I can continue my career and make more money in the uk (v difficult to do where we are)

Does this sound crazy or could it work?

Your dh is doing well but it sounds like you are unhappy with the limitations on your own earning capacity where you live now. You matter as much as your DH so, in my view, you being able to have a reasonable career is necessary. If you feel your marriage is very strong and that you will benefit equally from the current success of his company, then you might be willing to forego having your own career. However it's not clear from your post whether that would be legally enforceable in the country where you currently live, e.g. what would happen if you divorced. If he passed away, would you be left in penury because of not having your own career or because of not being legal to work in his country? All that should factor in.

His company might earn less if you moved back to the UK, but if you will earn more then that should factor into the decision. A marriage should never be set up so that one partner gets everything they want at the expense of the other partner giving up a necessary and significant thing that they need.

If you flew to where h is for the holidays, would you get actual family time or would it be the odd dinner together because he’s working long hours for his career? I assume that he can’t really take 13 weeks off. If he can take time off during the day would he be making up for it with no couple time in the evening because you’d both have to put the effort in when you see each other.

Is there a chance that you’re romanticising a UK education based on your experience? Are there no international or English speaking schools where you are? How useful would it to be to learn the local language? My ds was put in a local school overseas when he was 5 and ended up with the local accent and fluent within a year. It was probably very tough for him at the start but he never complained. (His dad and I don’t speak the language btw so it was thanks to immersion at school )

My ex worked away half the week every week for a couple of years. I coped fine but I wasn’t working so didn’t have that to juggle. Would there be an end date to living apart? If there wasn’t I’d be concerned about drifting apart over time as you’d both find other people and things to occupy your weekend and free time with.

For set periods of time. Not permanently. It’s a bit different

It could be more of a possibility

some make it work true but to me its leaving yourself wide open for problems. you say you have elderly parents but if you needed extra support say one of them went to hospital etc or one of the children were taken ill how quickly could your partner get to you? I know there are boarding schools etc but wont the children miss their father and have a rather difficult relationship with hiim/

I know a family who do this: I have been friends with the wife since before she was married the first time. They appear very happy and she said it’s the secret sauce for them: always happy to see each other. They do have money to throw at the logistics problems it presents. Both have great careers they love; kids live with her plus extra cleaner, childcare and obvs two household related costs plus travel.

This 100pc
You will grow further apart

However by doing this of you do separate later you are already resident in the UK so may be prudent.
If your relationship is already strained living apart rarely improves the situation.

This was also my thought

I’m not sure many people in a happy marriage would consider this an acceptable arrangement. If the idea of only spending aporox 12 weeks a year with your husband/wife sounds enticing, I’d say it’s time to re evaluate the relationship

It would be easier if I was back resident in the uk and Dd too Surely?

Interesting what you said about him not allowing you to take dd to the UK if you split up.

If dd was normally resident in the UK then after a split, you’d have a very strong argument to keep her in the UK. Once’s she’s 12ish, a UK court would allow her to choose which parent she lives with.

If you split while living where you do now, your h would need to agree to dd leaving the country. There are posters on here stuck living in their ex’s country because they want to see their kids regularly so can’t return to the UK.

Absolutely, if you fear the marriage failing and being stuck abroad it’s a sensible move.

Sounds like you both need a good calm conversation to see it a compromise can be reached before you blow up your marriage. “Home sickness”‘is always worse after Christmas

It wouldn’t be for me, no, unless I really didn’t like Dh (I happen to quite like mine).

Could the business run itself with Dh popping in on a weekly basis or however often? We have a business. We moved house about 10 years in and now live about 2 hours away. We kept the business where it was to keep our employees and to be in a more central location to a few major clients. Dh travels one day a week, leaving early and back before dc’s bedtime, to check on things, sort any issues, collect orders to be shipped, etc. Otherwise, it runs itself from afar the other 4 days.

Ultimately, quality of life is always more important than money. I’d take less earnings for us to be together.

Yes…these are my thoughts

It is doable but is hard. I know couples have made it and equally it broke others.
Those who made it seem to have accepted that one person shoulders all the childcare and is ok with that. The two women I am thinking of had part time jobs which basically came secondary to raising DC. So they were there primarily for the kids and then kept something coming in alongside whilst their DH went off to earn the cash. They seemed happy enough and their DH in both cases was such a stalwart and had very high integrity so did not do anything untoward away from home.
However I know a good few who ended in divorce because the one who works away is often feeling alone and isolated and (am not excusing btw) but ends up straying. So you need to have a rocksolid marriage and a rocksolid DH.

We live abroad and before we did we looked at various scenarios as while we don’t want to divorce, we wanted to plan it so if it did happen nothing would be done in anger. A child being in a country to attend school wouldn’t be considered their residence is the family home existed elsewhere. It was originally intended to protect children at boarding school, but it covers all children.

If your aim is to split up some time in the future then it is better to be back in the UK. It would be hard to be separated and living in a country where you are not happy.

I agree.

If you’re not too concerned with the relationship ending or think it’s on that path then I would do it.

The worst things that will happen is it doesn’t work and you either separate or you move back.

Obviously it will have implications for DD if you have to move back or you split up etc but nothing more than if you were living over there and then split up.

So this is a slightly different issue.

I was going to say in my first post that, barring couples with one partner who periodically works abroad, the only people I know who have done this it was an unofficial split and they later divorced.

If you can sell it to your DH as a long term plan good luck but I’d imagine he will know what you’re up to.

Not great for the children who miss seeing their school
friends during the holidays.

I definitely wouldn't be willing to do this. I don't think it would be good for either relationship -you and DH and especially for a child to hardly ever see their father. They would miss out on lots at home spending all their breaks away. I see that you might be wanting to leave him and do it this way so that your child doesn't have to stay in the country but I don't really think that's fair to the child, to set it up so that they don't see Dad very often. There is a reason why they don't allow you to move the child after separation. Children deserve to have regular time with both parents.

On this case do it. No different than if your dd attended a full boarding school.Plan the trips back. FaceTime. Make it an adventure.