I’ve been a terrible friend

[Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39]

I’m not sure if this is the right thread as I know that I’ve been unreasonable but I need some hand holding or help with a situation I’m in.

I had a wonderful friend at uni, genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever met. We stayed in contact for a long time, but as life happened we spoke less, and I found it harder to stay in touch.

Last year their mum passed away, they didn’t have a funeral and they live 5+ hours away. I didn’t go and see them. We spoke on the phone occasionally but over time I’ve felt it was harder to make the call, it’s like guilt eats me up and I just can’t do it. I know that makes me a bad friend.

They sent me a text earlier this week to tell me how hurt they are, how I have let them down and I feel so terrible. I love them dearly, I’ve just not shown it. I wasn’t there when they needed me and I think it’s too late. The burying my head in the sand needs to stop as I’m hurting people by being selfish. I’m thinking of starting therapy this year, as I get older I realise there’s some things I need to change.

I’m not asking for sympathy, I just wanted to know if there’s anyone who can offer some advice.

I would say give yourself a break. People come and go in our lives through no fault of anyone’s. Life gets busy and living 5 hours away is a huge challenge. From what you’ve said you genuinely didn’t know what to do for the best in this situation.
Why not write a letter to the friend and explain your feelings? Do give yourself a break. It’s hard to support someone going through grief and it sounds like you are an easy target for her just now while she is still struggling.

To be fair I wouldn’t expect a long distance friend to be looking after me in that situation, I’d lean on people closer to home.

Op..... you havent been a great friend, which is not ideal, but the important thing is that you've been honest with yourself about how you've behaved.

Now you need to be honest with your friend. Apologise to her. Tell her she's been a great friend to you and you've let her down massively and you don't blame her for being hurt.

I'd send her a bunch of flowers and ask her if she's up for a phonecall and maybe a catchup....and take it from there.

So many people do wrong but never admit to it. This is your opportunity to help make it a bit better for your friend and for both of you to potentially mo e forward.

Kudos to you for being honest about what you did wrong.

In the time where you haven’t called or reached out to her, has she reached out or tried to call you? Friendship and communication are a two-way street and the onus is not on you to put in all of the effort, if your friend wanted or needed your support she could have reached out. Your friend sounds self-centred and is being unfair to put the lack of contact solely on you if she hasn’t made an effort either.

Long distance relationships including friendships are really hard. You’re not alone in finding it difficult to keep up a friendship where seeing eachother is rare and difficult. I know that I have lost friendships for this very reason.
I’m not sure what you expect of yourself. Yes you could have visited after your friends bereavement and that would have been a nice thing to do. But it isn’t easy. Could you ask to visit now and sort this out in person? Or accept that the friendship no longer works in your current situation, make apologies if you need to, and move on.

I would message her back apologising and say you don't want to lose the friendship and that she means a lot to you and that you will make more of an effort and maybe plan something for the 2 of you together

As others have said, has she messaged you in between time? I always find it hard to know what to say and then some people like to be left alone. I would just send a message saying you found it harder and harder the longer it went and be honest why you didn’t message? The ball is in her court an a true friendship would survive this.

You don’t owe your friend any more than you can easily give; 5 hours distance is going to change your relationship.
Life happens and people move away; you called them - if they want to blame you for not being around then I’d accept that the friendship is over. It is not worth trying to keep up as nothing you do will ever be enough.

This.

It's obviously not all on you but coming together and admitting our failings and humanity is a good idea. Speak on the phone if meeting is unrealistic. Don't text anything

I disagree with some of the above posts; I found grief a time when I learned who my true friends were, and there were some I felt the same about as your friend does you, although I didn't tell them, just quietly dropped them.

There's no point beating yourself up though. Do you want to salvage the friendship? If so, a sincere apology and flowers should be the first step. If there's no response, you can assume the friendship over. Alternatively, maybe it has run its course and isn't the friendship it once was? In which case just leave be.

Sorry, I’m not sure if you spoke to her at all after her mum’s death? You say you spoke on the phone occasionally, but was that past tense like before her mum died or did you call her since the death to check and see how she was doing?

It’s not too late. Write a heartfelt letter or email. Explain, apologise. Give her some love now.

She’s told you she’s hurt because she wants reparation between the two of you I imagine.

Just be honest. Write a letter or email to message or ask if they're free to speak and tell them what you've told us.

Did you tell them all this when you replied to the text?

If not, what did you actually say?

I don’t have advice but wanted to jump on and say that I’ve done similar. I’m frankly awful at remembering to text / call people and have lost touch with a few wonderful people because of my lack of communication. Like you, I’m annoyed at myself for it and want to do better. However, I do think it’s hard in this modern world. Life is so busy, people come and go, some days my phone can be rammed with work, family and friend messages and I have to prioritise (and sometimes get it wrong!). Try and give yourself grace. Acknowledging you’re in the wrong and sincerely apologising is enough, do not beat yourself up for weeks on end

Did you send her flowers/a card? Did you text her? Not many people make phone calls these days when there are other forms of communication. Did you suggest a meet up when she was feeling up to it? Dropping everything and travelling 5 hours away straight away is a lot to expect when I assume she’s surrounded by family and other friends.
Unless you blanked her entirely I think you should be a bit kinder, to yourself.

I think they’ve been a bit hard on you. It sounds like the friendship was already fading, due to distance and time. It happens. I wouldn’t expect other people to come to my mums funeral
either, especially if they live far away.

This thread's a bit pointless without the OP returning to tell us what she said in her reply to her friend's text.

@Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39 arrange to meet up. Go down in person. Have a weekend. I'm sure you can fix it. Water under the bridge.

Well if she's left the woman on read it makes the thread into a nonsense really.

I distinctly remember speaking to her on the phone at least a couple of times after. We also sent voice notes because there’s a tendency for us to have 3 hour phone calls which is just impossible nowadays. I have replied and explained that the guilt of not being a good friend was holding me back and that I am deeply sorry. I think they want to move on with their life and have been dealing with a lot of their own feelings of hurt and pain with regards to our friendship. I know I sent a message on an anniversary of their passing too but did promise phone calls that I didn’t always make. Trying to process and not beat myself up too much but acknowledging I’ve been shit