I’ve been a terrible friend

[Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39]

I’m not sure if this is the right thread as I know that I’ve been unreasonable but I need some hand holding or help with a situation I’m in.

I had a wonderful friend at uni, genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever met. We stayed in contact for a long time, but as life happened we spoke less, and I found it harder to stay in touch.

Last year their mum passed away, they didn’t have a funeral and they live 5+ hours away. I didn’t go and see them. We spoke on the phone occasionally but over time I’ve felt it was harder to make the call, it’s like guilt eats me up and I just can’t do it. I know that makes me a bad friend.

They sent me a text earlier this week to tell me how hurt they are, how I have let them down and I feel so terrible. I love them dearly, I’ve just not shown it. I wasn’t there when they needed me and I think it’s too late. The burying my head in the sand needs to stop as I’m hurting people by being selfish. I’m thinking of starting therapy this year, as I get older I realise there’s some things I need to change.

I’m not asking for sympathy, I just wanted to know if there’s anyone who can offer some advice.

Don’t beat yourself up. You haven’t been a bad friend, and sending a message on the anniversary was a thoughtful thing to do. I thought initially you hadn’t contacted her at all, but you had.

Maybe she noticed that the friendship was dwindling, and felt hurt by this, but life happens, and all friendships have their troughs and peaks.

You are being too rough on yourself. They didn't have a funeral for their mum. There wasn't natural time to visit. I think it's easy to blame yourself but like others say friendship is a two way street. Have they visited you?

Life is tricky and busy. It's hard to get away on your own and see friends. I think the best of friends don't put pressure on to visit and should be able to pick up where you left off years ago. You reached out when the mum died. Yes, maybe you could have done more but it's not fair to dump you for it.

Honestly, I don’t think the problem is you. I think you’ve been kind and responsive with your messages. I suspect your friend is not married, or doesn’t have a partner, and doesn’t have a network of good friends locally. Your friend seems to have very high expectations of your friendship and expectations on how you should behave with her. Did your know her Mum well?

Grief affects people in different ways and sometimes it can lead to a deteriorating relationship. My next door neighbour lost her Mum quite suddenly and she became very irritable and antagonistic to others - and quite a difficult neighbour - in the aftermath. She did not cope with it well at all

I lost my husband suddenly in 2024, but I had no expectations of how others should behave towards me afterwards. I did receive a lot of messages and cards and many people came to the funeral, but I haven’t held anyone to account over how they responded to me in that time. That doesn’t feel right at all

OP, how long ago were your university days when you were close? And did you say you'd spoken on the phone more than once since her mother's death? How long ago is it since her mother died?

I'm just a bit confused on the timeline of all of this. If it's been a gradually declining friendship because of geographical distance for many years, and you did acknowledge her mother's death and have spoken to her more than once since it happened, then I think she's a bit unreasonable to be blaming you...?

Yes - instead of writing on here, write to your friend. A letter would be more heartfelt. You seem genuinely remorseful.

I supported my friend through a messy break up. They slept on our sofa despite the space. I spent hours on the phone listening to them go on and on about the ex. I let them stay in our house whilst we went on holiday to give them a break from house sharing. When my mother died, I got a 'thinking of you' text. They had known my mother since we were teenagers. Day after the funeral I got a 'Hope it went well' text. That was it.

It did alter our friendship.

OP, I have been in your friend’s position, although it was my DH who died, after which most of my friends disappeared.

Firstly, don’t assume that she is “surrounded by friends and family”, as a PP put it. It may be that many of her friends have let her down, and it’s the loss of your friendship that is particularly painful.

Before contacting her (if you’re going to), I think you need to be honest with yourself about why you didn’t contact her after her mother died. Did you worry that you might say the wrong thing? Did it feel too depressing to contemplate death, and being around someone who was bereft, and did you worry about becoming upset yourself? Was it easier to just turn a blind eye to her sadness and hope you could resume the friendship down the line, when she’d returned to “normal”?

Once you’ve worked out why you didn’t get in touch, you could then have a think about what you would be able to offer her in future. If any of the friends who disappeared from my life got back in touch now, it would frankly piss me off if they started telling me about how much I meant to them. They weren’t there when I needed them, and, in the light of that, I don’t particularly care about what I bring to them. Who wants fair weather friends? So, if you’re going to get in touch with her, maybe think about what you can offer her going forwards. Would you be happy for her to talk to you about her grief now? Do you want to support her during the shit times, as well as benefitting from her company during the good times? If not, then maybe just accept that the friendship has run its course.

I think you just have to offer an unreserved apology.

Just " I know I let you down. I am so sorry"

But as far as I understand the OP, she did contact her after her mother died? She mentions speaking to her on the phone at least a couple of times afterwards and exchanging voice notes, as well as a text on the mother's anniversary. What she seems to feel bad about is not being in touch more.

@OriginalUsername2 not everyone has people close to home. Friends should be good friends in whatever way they can regardless of their location.

I couldn't imagine accusing a friend who had lived 5+ hours away for quite a while of letting me down for not phoning back every time they said they would. Life moves on, people have busy lives and tend to concentrate more on new people that are near them. This is completely normal life and I think this says more about your friend (and her possible MH struggles that she is now taking out on you) than you OP.

I could understand her saying she missed you and she'd love to keep in closer contact - but to accuse you of this that and the other? Not really on.

It sounds like you want to salvage the friendship and have apologised and explained, I'd send a little gift or card perhaps too. But you don't need to be tying yourself up in knots over this. It sounds like she has a lot of expectations of your friendship, is quite needy and expects a lot of your time (3hour phone calls). If you don't want to get back into that then you don't have to.

Friendships often drift when one person moves far away.

My best friend from the age of 11 was emotionally unavailable to me when my mum died a few years back. Some months later I told her how I had felt, she was more defensive than apologetic so I left the friendship. If someone is not there for you at the time you need them most, it is not a true friendship.

If you're genuinely sorry you've been a crap friend then send a text right now and say sorry and that you miss them and know you let them down. Otherwise it's just words and being a martyr.

“Dear friend, I’m genuinely sorry from the bottom of my heart that I didn’t act like the friend you needed during a really upsetting and difficult time in your life. I know it must have been so painful for you to lose your lovely Mum and I’m sorry that I didn’t support you better. I love you and value you so dearly as a friend and I want to make this up to you……..”

*and then add an offer of a proactive thing you could do that you think your friend would appreciate. Could you offer to go up and visit the next weekend you are both free? Would she like it if you invited her to come stay with you for a weekend - where you plan lots of lovely things to do together and take care of her? Would your finances stretch to offering to take her away for a weekend away together?

I think you need to DO something

Your post is a bit of a pity parade.

Your friend has said you haven't been there enough for her, and you agree. (Although Id perhaps say shes as responsibile for calling you as you are for calling her, but im not planning to tell you to reapportion the blame) So what are you going to do about it?

Because if the answer is feel shit and let it go of course youll lose her. Shes reached out and said this because shes still emotionally involved in the friendship so reach out and see how you fix it? Or dont? But dont do nothing and feel sorry for you. Love requires action.

Without adding too many identifiable details, I could have written your OP. My dear friend lost someone v important to them quite tragically. In the aftermath I had a newborn, family bereavements of my own and extreme stress at work. We live far apart. I was lost in my own sea of problems and only realised how bad a friend I had been when I came out the other end. We are no longer close and I regret it but I am trying not to beat myself up too much about it and I am trying to rekindle our friendship. I hope it's not too late.

You can't change the past but you can focus on the future.

Even "beating yourself up" is a bit selfish. Its all about you. Your guilt. Your lack of time.

This is like shoulder shrug of ah well i was dick, best feel sorry for myself.

Thats not cool. If this friendship matters... do something

I would say be careful if you're going to write a letter. You might make things worse. My Dsis is a complex character and we don't get on; she has pissed me off on many occasions and a few years ago really upset me with how she behaved - long story and not really relevant here.

Anyway, she sent me a letter afterwards which I did not welcome at all. Half of the letter was her absolving her guilt about being a dick and the other half was what she wanted from our relationship. It was like she put it all out and then handed it to me to say, now it's up to you. Yet she never DID anything, just said what she wanted. She has, in the years since then, done nothing to achieve what she said she wanted.

Be careful you don't do the same. I would say if you genuinely want to have a relationship with your friend moving forwards then you need to 'do' something and not just 'say' something. Actions speak louder than words.

I often put it off and off roll.ktakes me anxious to think of contacting ppl .
I sometimes just don't have the mental energy for conversation.

The fact she messaged you to explain her upset probably means there is hope for the friendship - she would’ve cut you off completely and not given you chance to reply if the friendship is over.

Having said that I have a few people in my life who put all of the onus of contact onto me - they never reach out, then when I reach out myself they get passive aggressive about the lack of contact. It can be infuriating when people pass the buck onto just you. She could easily have contacted you too, so don’t beat yourself up too much.

Sorry, just to clarify, did you find it hard because of the death? Or something else?
Did they ever call you or was it down to you to do the ringing?

I wonder if the fact the phone calls lasted 3 hours at a time is a reason you didn't call when you said you would. I honestly don't blame you. I had a friend who needed this kind of attention and often if you are working and have a life and family of your own, its not possible to dedicate that much time to someone else.

I have buried my head in the sand, and put difficult things off. The the guilt makes it worse, so the ordeal just grows and grows and it's nearly impossible then to deal with it.

I agree @Kayoh. When someone is bereaved, you do need to make an effort with them- I discovered who my real friends weee after my Mum died and also discovered that some people ( DH’s family, for example) didn’t really care about me. It did hurt.

@Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39 You can repair this if you reach out now.

I think what's interesting about your post is that you call yourself selfish and you know it's something you need to work on.

You didn't contact your friend because you felt guilty. By not getting in touch, you didn't have to acknowledge or deal with those feelings of guilt.

When you call yourself selfish, is that what you mean - that you avoid situations that make you feel uncomfortable? Do you find this is causing you issues in other areas of your life?

It is perfectly normal to seek to avoid discomfort, so be a bit kinder to yourself. Knowing the right way to help someone else through a really challenging time is not easy and many people find that their friends melt away in times of crisis because a lot of people can't cope with being alongside other people's pain. As humans, we are solution-focused, and it's very difficult to know how to help someone in a situation where something terrible has happened to them and there is no solution other than to accompany them through it. People are often overloaded with meals and flowers and cups of tea in the first weeks after a bereavement, for example, as that's the time when a solution can be offered. Once the months pass and the person is still sad and a frozen lasagne isn't going to be of any use, people begin to withdraw because they can't offer anything to 'make it better' and so they go into avoidance mode.

Instead of berating yourself, you need to find a way to move forward. You both clearly mean a lot to each other and your friend wouldn't have told you how hurt she is if she didn't want to salvage the relationship. I'd be making a plan to go and see her in person - making the effort to do this will mean a lot to her. Texts and letters and so on are all very well, but what she clearly wants and needs is the physical presence of a friend.

I have to say that contrary to other posters, I don't think your friend sounds particularly needy. You obviously don't physically see each other very often due to the distance. I don't think it's too much to expect someone to take up 3 hours of your time in a phone call - if you went out for dinner, you'd spend at least 3 hours together, surely? So why is a 3 hour phone call every few weeks or so that much of an imposition? I have many friends abroad and we schedule in FaceTimes that we know will be about that length of time - I only tend to see them in the flesh once a year, so a proper catch up every couple of months over the phone is going to be lengthy, and it is thoroughly enjoyable. Sometimes we even have dinner together - just eating in our own homes with the phone propped up in front of us! Perhaps instigating a routine like this of 6 week phone dinners or something would be a way of maintaining meaningful connection going forward. We have a loneliness epidemic in the western world because so many of us don't prioritise friendships and this is to all of our detriment. Maintaining relationships is an effort, but it's an incredibly worthwhile one, and something that we need to be intentional about otherwise they do fall by the wayside.

I think what's tricky is that there's not only no rulebook on how to be a good long distance friend with infrequent contact, there aren't even any norms. People have massively different expectations here so it's anyone's guess. I'm in the camp that would consider this relationship a more distant acquaintances with history thing rather than a friendship but it sounds like she had higher expectations.