I’ve been a terrible friend

[Bigfishlittlefishcardboardbox39]

I’m not sure if this is the right thread as I know that I’ve been unreasonable but I need some hand holding or help with a situation I’m in.

I had a wonderful friend at uni, genuinely one of the best people I’ve ever met. We stayed in contact for a long time, but as life happened we spoke less, and I found it harder to stay in touch.

Last year their mum passed away, they didn’t have a funeral and they live 5+ hours away. I didn’t go and see them. We spoke on the phone occasionally but over time I’ve felt it was harder to make the call, it’s like guilt eats me up and I just can’t do it. I know that makes me a bad friend.

They sent me a text earlier this week to tell me how hurt they are, how I have let them down and I feel so terrible. I love them dearly, I’ve just not shown it. I wasn’t there when they needed me and I think it’s too late. The burying my head in the sand needs to stop as I’m hurting people by being selfish. I’m thinking of starting therapy this year, as I get older I realise there’s some things I need to change.

I’m not asking for sympathy, I just wanted to know if there’s anyone who can offer some advice.

I completely agree with this response- ultimately you are not a terrible friend if you have recognised what has gone a bit awry- the suggestion of a letter I think is the best one, more personal and thought out than a message, less emotional strain at this point for both sides than a phone call.

Please don’t write a letter. I had a friend who did this to me, inexplicably ghosted me and then years later wrote to apologise. She said she didn’t know what had made her not want to be friends, I think she just didn’t want to admit it to me or to herself.

Her cutting me off without a reason was actually a very painful time for me, it had a huge impact on my confidence and willingness to try and make new friends.

I replied politely to her letter but we didn’t resume the friendship. The letter just reopened old wounds unnecessarily.

I'd just say sorry and then leave her to it OP. You'll only do the same thing again to her, and her to you, it's not worth it.
I have a friend who never texts first, barely replies to mine, never follows up on my meet up suggestions, since she took on more responsibility at work.. she's always been a bit like that but it's so obvious now. I feel very sad about it as I've just retreated from contact pretty much, but I'd never tell her she's let me down, it's just her living her life as she chooses. Not up to me.

Knowing the right way to help someone else through a really challenging time is not easy and many people find that their friends melt away in times of crisis because a lot of people can't cope with being alongside other people's pain.

@EnidSpyton Yes, that’s exactly what happens. I’ve learnt over time that the best approach is to acknowledge the bereavement as soon as possible. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss”, perhaps a card and flowers for a close friend, is far better than keeping your distance.

People assume that a bereaved person has friends and family rallying around them, but embarrassment often keeps people away. A bereaved person is sometimes quite isolated.

Also, bereavement can leave someone shell shocked, I wasn’t a good friend to anyone for six months after my mum died.

I agree with this, having lost a sister and my husband at young ages, plus a dad more in the natural order of things. People deal with and respond to grief very differently. The people who were the best support to me were not the ones I expected. Others could not cope. There is no point having expectations or judging. Anger can be one of the stages of grief and that may be where your friend is currently, projecting her anger with life, maybe herself, on to you. From what you say I don't think you've been a bad friend at all. Much better than most people. At some stage the bereaved person needs to reach out. Your friend has done that, although clumsily. I would be gentle and not dramatic. "I'm sorry, how can I make amends?" Do what you can. Listen. But also OP, you say life has taken you apart, which sounds like you have responsibilities - a demanding job, children? If so be realistic and honest with yourself and the friend. If your life is like that it's unreasonable to expect long-distance visits and 3 hour phone calls. Schedule 1 hour at a regular interval. Do what you can, but don't feel guilt tripped.