Did you tells your children the reason why you split from their other parent?

[londsa]

My dc have been asking recently.

We split up when they were 2 and 5, neither of them remember anything. They are now mid-late teens. DS is older, DD younger.

DD is especially curious as to why we split up.

The reason was because their dad constantly cheated, was addicted to porn, registered himself on sex websites amongst other things.

Obviously I would never tell them all that - especially the addicted to porn part.

They have an inkling it’s their dad’s fault due to them realising what kind of person their dad is. They do see him but he moved away and has never been massively present in their life. He has no idea about their life apart from the basics. Never came to sports days, school events etc etc. He’s the ‘takes them out for a burger’ kind of parent.

Anyway DD recently asked if her dad cheated on me….(she’s 14 and break ups/cheating etc is part of her life with her friends etc).

I said he made a lot of mistakes and left it at that. But now she wants more details of what he actually did and I’m reluctant to give anymore details. Equally she isn’t close to her dad and I think it wouldn’t upset her if she knew, it was a long time ago and she wouldn’t change her opinion of him - she knows he’s not great.

I don’t hold any anger towards her dad anymore, I gave up a long time ago on trying to get him to be more involved in the kids etc.

Just wondered what others have said in these situations? Is it better to just be honest when they ask? I don’t want to say the wrong thing and then it’s stuck with them forever.

I think at that age I’d be honest and try keep emotion out of it. I’d also try use it as a lesson to her about what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship.

The nitty gritty isn’t any of their business IMO, but I would tell her that he cheated multiple times and that’s not what you do in a committed relationship, so you ended it.
Im the grown up child in this situation and my mum never told me anything, but I know he had an affair and got her pregnant so moved in with her. As an adult (after mum had died) I asked dad about it but only got his side, I’d have liked mum to have had her say.

My DD has been getting a drip feed over the years. It started with ‘wasn’t very kind to me’ but now she’s getting a little more detail, it’s all part of life skills for healthy relationships. (She’s 13 now).

I split with my exdh when my two were similar ages. DD guessed that he had cheated on me and asked outright. I was a bit taken aback as I’d never planned on telling them but I decided to be honest and say yes he had and that we had worked very hard to put our differences to the side and be good parents to her and DS.

She did ask her dad about it and he refused to discuss it.

I think that at the ages your kids are it's okay to be honest.

Being honest doesn't have to mean giving them every gory detail but letting them know he cheated multiple times (among other things) and you respected yourself and them too much to put up with it any longer, is a perfectly acceptable reply.

My mum never told us, as teenagers we asked if dad had cheated and she got so angry that it made the whole thing into a massive deal and damaged mine and my sister’s relationship with our dad. I wish she had just been honest, her huge reaction made the truth clear anyway.

Better to be honest

I think she’s still too young to process it maturely and not maybe absorb it as all men are untrustworthy, for example. My DD would/does occasionally throw stuff like that back into my face, and despite my ex being a totally absent tosspot, she can have weirdly protective moments. I don’t think she needs to know and it feels gossipy and/or could feed weird trauma of sorts. Maybe commit to giving her all the detail when she’s a bit older?

I have twins with exH.
I left their father when they were 15 months and he last saw them when they were 3. They are now 20.
I remarried & had 2 more children. DTs call DH Dad & in all aspects of life & love he is their Dad. They did ask some questions in their teens; i tried to be honest but neutral which was hard, especially as he never paid any maintenance and stopped all contact by the time they were 5.

I think the teens are a time of establishing your identity hence the questions. Mine worked out their father was not a nice man but my DH was there all along telling them how awesome they were, how proud of the he was, how he loved being in their lives & the family we created.

Mine know why but not exact details. I kind of had to tell them because we ended up in a refuge because of him. I always tried to keep it age appropriate (they were 9 and 5 at the time),

At 14 I'd be honest. She's not daft and it's clearly on her mind a lot if she keeps asking. Just tell her.

My ex H was a controlling sociapath, kindly informed me after 20 years that I was his only female sexual partner! He tried to kill me, I still thought there must be some mistake (he had been poisoning me) I was worried I had ruined his life by getting him arrested. Said to myself he's the kids dad and I wouldn't slag him off. My boss sacked me, said they didn't want the publicity. We were made homeless because he stopped paying the mortgage and did a runner. We had to attend High court, youngest 5 and 12, were asked if they wanted to see him, they said no. His solicitor had requested our adult DD take them to see him. He told me in court,he wasn't interested in seeing them,it was the solicitors idea. He tried via the solicitor to have them taken away from me, never saw them or paid a penny in maintenance. The poisoning, and other things had been witnessed by the 12 year old,so it wasn't a secret. Later,they knew everything. I do think it's their business, secrets are dangerous! A school friend wasn't told she was adopted till she was 13, she went completely off the rails. DH aunt had a baby at 16,in 1960, baby removed, everything hushed up.dh didn't know, she moved abroad at 18, didn't tell her 1st H who was Catholic. Second h knew thankfully. Eventually her DS managed with social services to trace her. He doesn't want his DC to know she's his DM,yet they meet go on holiday there (Spain) it will come out one day and cause damage..

Thank you for all the replies. I do agree that at her age, she should know things and I understand why she is curious.

My parents split when I was in my twenties and as I was older, they both dragged me into it, trying to get me to take sides. Dad had an affair so my priorities lay with my mum. It was a horrible time as neither of them thought of me and how I was coping. I guess that’s why I’m wary of telling them….even though they are asking!

I still want answers to what exactly happened with my dad and his affair, he refuses to talk about it so I’ll never know. But I can completely understand why my children want answers.

I think I can tell them that he was unfaithful multiple times without detail. However I would never mention the porn addict part or registering himself on sex websites as that’s just gross.

I guess that’s the b at way. Just be honest and tell them in a calm situation. Then move on.

Sorry you went through that, sounds like your mum was still holding onto to a lot of emotion and hurt from the past. It’s not easy to deal with but kids should always come first.

I haven't needed to. My ds worked it out for himself and so hasn't asked.
Ex is bone idle, and utterly selfish. Ds can see that. He doesn't need to know the rest.

Mine also worked it out for themselves. I tried to hold on to the mantra of 'never speak badly about the other parent' when they were young but now they are all adults and have an adult relationship with their father they can see his flaws and faults VERY clearly, so I never had to tell them.

In fact, they often tell ME about shitty things he's done and I just raise my eyebrows and say nothing.

My husband has never told his DD 16 about her mum’s affair.
Firstly because his ex wife asked him not to, secondly because we have blended and get on really well together and also because I think knowing her mum didn’t come home after work every night for 18 months because she was sleeping with a work colleague would ruin the mother daughter relationship a bit. None of us see what is to be gained by my step daughter knowing this.

I think that’s completely the right choice if the relationship is healthy now. DD absolutely doesn't need to know.

I wish my dc had the same relationship with their father. If they had a healthy and close relationship, I’d never dream of telling them anything and they probably wouldn’t even ask to the extent they have.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted for my dc - to have a close relationship with their dad. Everything he did to me didn’t matter - I was over the relationship before it even ended - it’s only been the kids that mattered. One thing they do know is how much I’ve tried and failed over the years to get him to be more involved.

But if he asked for details, would you tell him?

My marriage ended when exW left for OW, with whom she now lives. DD was 4 at the time (nearly 7 now). I’ve never told her the reason, but have wondered how this will play out when she gets to teenage years and might ask questions. I don’t want to lie to her, but I also don’t want to say something that might harm her relationship with her other parent, and step-parent. I don’t know what’s best really.

I think I'd say he was unfaithful and leave it at that. I don't think children, even teens, need to know the details. It's a fine line to walk, because you want to be honest and they are naturally curious but I'm not sure it helps them to be drawn into the full details of the marriage breakdown.

Not as small children. I just said we couldn’t get along anymore and that Daddy was very angry with Mummy because she didn’t want to live with him anymore. As they’d seen him attack me on the day he was removed, I don’t think it was much of a surprise sadly. When they asked for more clarity as young adults I told them. My eldest especially wanted details and I gave them in a limited way. Their Dad is an alcoholic, personality disordered selfish man and I think it was important for me to be honest so they could have the tools that they need and will need to grapple with his regular selfishness and complete inability to prioritise their needs.

In your position I would be honest without all the gory details. I think sensible young people appreciate that and helps them feel closer to you.

I did tell DS when he was 19 as it came up and was relevant, but didn’t tell DD. They were 2 and 5 also, now 17 and 21.

Agree which is why I’m so cautious. Especially for DD. Not because it will hurt her - it won’t. She already knows her dad isnt great and it would more than likely be just another thing to add to her list of things she doesn’t like about him. But it’s what it could do to her subconsciously with her view of me, her own self esteem etc. I also am very cautious that words stick forever - how I tell her could absolutely impact her.

If/when she asks again, I feel more comfortable with telling her he was unfaithful however that’s all she needs to know. I know her and I know she will see it as gossip and want all the questions answered which I’ll explain she doesn’t need to know.

Thank you, that’s why I would hope too. I think part of my worry is that their dad sees me as the problem, always has. So although I can’t see my kids ever speaking to them about it, I don’t want him to come back to me that I’ve painted him in a bad light. He’s done that himself.

Im sorry that you went through such a horrible time, it sounds like you’ve handled a traumatic experience with amazing strength