Did you tells your children the reason why you split from their other parent?

[londsa]

My dc have been asking recently.

We split up when they were 2 and 5, neither of them remember anything. They are now mid-late teens. DS is older, DD younger.

DD is especially curious as to why we split up.

The reason was because their dad constantly cheated, was addicted to porn, registered himself on sex websites amongst other things.

Obviously I would never tell them all that - especially the addicted to porn part.

They have an inkling it’s their dad’s fault due to them realising what kind of person their dad is. They do see him but he moved away and has never been massively present in their life. He has no idea about their life apart from the basics. Never came to sports days, school events etc etc. He’s the ‘takes them out for a burger’ kind of parent.

Anyway DD recently asked if her dad cheated on me….(she’s 14 and break ups/cheating etc is part of her life with her friends etc).

I said he made a lot of mistakes and left it at that. But now she wants more details of what he actually did and I’m reluctant to give anymore details. Equally she isn’t close to her dad and I think it wouldn’t upset her if she knew, it was a long time ago and she wouldn’t change her opinion of him - she knows he’s not great.

I don’t hold any anger towards her dad anymore, I gave up a long time ago on trying to get him to be more involved in the kids etc.

Just wondered what others have said in these situations? Is it better to just be honest when they ask? I don’t want to say the wrong thing and then it’s stuck with them forever.

In relation to the porn addiction and what you tell your son, i think you would be doing him a disservice not to sensitively discuss it with him.
Addiction often runs in families, your son needs to be hyper aware that this could develop into a problem for him too, so that he can avoid it early.

With your DD you need her to know that it is okay to have red flags and bottom lines and leave, and kids learn more via modelled behaviour than any other learning method.

I would tell them about the cheating (in a matter of fact way, leaving emotions out of it). I think for both of them it’s important to know that’s not acceptable in a relationship and give them the confidence to do the same if it ever happens to them.

I’ve never thought of it that way before - thank you. I’ll have a think on that, my son is 100% more sensitive than my daughter so what I say may impact his feelings towards his dad. It would need to be very carefully done.

My 8 year old knows why his dad & I are no longer together but in fairness it wasn't really needed for me to tell them as their dad involved them in his cheating ,he was having days out with his affair partner under the guise of giving me a break for a few hours as our baby was only about 7/8 months so I was exhausted as I was doing it all alone as he worked away during the week. We ended & on his first overnight which we had worked out between us he brought her & her family,who decided to start bad mouthing me,so I just walked away with the kids & let it go to court as I needed some sort of structure for the kids,it took him 9 months to go to court (he got 1 night a week maybe does it 2 nights a month),it's 4 years on now & our son knows he says daddy didn't love you anymore & loved OW, I said yes that's right but mammys ok & you have 2 parents who love you. Our 5 year old knows no different but if he asks I'll be honest with him.

Yes I’d be honest. Why protect him. I’ve always been honest in an age appropriate way with my children about why their dad left

I have a 13 yo DS, his dad cheated and we split when he was 1. I have never told him the real reason - he asked a few times aged 5-6 and I just said we weren’t getting on etc. since he has been around 10 I figured if he asked me outright I’d be honest (in a relatively kind way to his dad). He has never asked me straight out so I haven’t had to (yet).

in your circumstances I’d tell your DD and just give her the basics but without going into too much detail.

That’s the weird thing - I don’t know why I would protect him as he certainly doesn’t deserve it.

I guess it’s the guilt I would feel from thinking I have played a part in the dc not having a close relationship with him.

Tell her yes he cheated but you're not going to get into details with her.

Always be honest. It could cause problems down the road if not.

No, I don't think so. I don't think there's anything to be gained. He knows I love him and will always have his back. He knows his dad is unreliable.

How would the gory details benefit ds?

@londsa

the guilt in his to bear for doing what he did

My situation was different to yours in that there was no cheating, but I’ve been honest with my DC’s and told them that me and their dad just didn’t love each other in that way anymore and decided we were better off just being friends.

In my experience there is no guilt! My exdh actually blamed me for him having an affair as I wasn't giving him attention. The affair started about 2 weeks after I'd given birth by c section to my 3rd dc and I was also having to do everything for the older 2dc. I'm not sure if I've told dc but they are all aware of how awful a df he's been and the 2 eldest are basically nc. Ds has also blocked his df on messenger/phone etc.

Well, my DD has two half sisters on her dad’s side, the first of whom is two years younger than her so it’s not rocket science to work out. But I went with ‘your dad met someone else when you were a baby and that is why on his side there is [now wife and their DDs]’. So I said it more in a way of explaining her family. It doesn’t really matter what I thought, it is about how she relates to them. So in your situation, I would think about what it serves for your DD to know. I think being honest that he cheated, yes, but also being really clear that this was nothing to do with your DC (in so far as not their fault, I mean) and just something which happens sometimes in relationships.
Your DD‘s relationship and thoughts about her dad are hers to work out, and I think that is also important to be clear about.

Edited to add: it is also not your fault either if your ex is not close with DC, their dad is responsible for his own relationship with DC.

Firmly in the ‘sadly he did cheat on me so I couldn’t stay in the relationship.’ camp.

I've been wondering about this. My ex didn't cheat (so far as I know). She repeatedly lied about debts and started to get mildly physically and seriously verbally abusive. I found out later, during the process of the split, that she'd not only been lying about debts, she'd been hiding money and effectively stealing quite large sums from me. She got together with her new partner suspiciously quickly (less than 3 months IIRC), and I do wonder, but who knows?

DD is 8 (was 6 when was split), and I have generally avoided her questions about it all. But it is difficult because she has a firm belief from my ex that my ex is terribly, terribly poor and badly-treated. I do occasionally counter that in quite a neutral way (eg. 'DD, I don't think Mummy can be as badly off as all that; she earns quite a bit more than I do.'). We go through stages when DD will take money from my wallet, or try to get me to buy things in the shops that she can take to her other mum's house, and I have had to crack down on that.

In a way, it would be easier if I could just say what happened, and I think if DD were an adult, I possibly would consider telling her.

I agree with what others say about modelling behaviour and about teaching children/young adults about red flags. I don't want DD to grow up thinking that what her mother does is normal. When we were in a relationship, my ex would casually 'joke' to my parents with things like 'I'd love a grand if you had it to spare' and I've just noticed my DD has started saying things like 'we could have a new car if we asked granny and granddad' or 'you know who has money for [treat item]? Granny would.' It really bothers me.

I think this stuff is why I am more open to talking to children about their other parent's behaviour. The conventional line that you shouldn't discuss it seems to me to miss the point that, quite often, you split up for a reason.

My DC were 18, almost 16 and 8 so yes I told them their Dad had cheated on me and been caught out with OW and I was not having him back under any circumstances.

as a child who found out every detail of my parents break up, no I wouldn’t share with my children. I don’t have any relationship with my dad now, but still would have preferred I’d not had details of an adult relationship shared with me as a child.

Keep it vague. Say something along the lines of being constantly disappointed and hurt and you had enough. They probably see his character anyway and kind of know this themselves unfortunately 😥

Im guessing these questions are much harder to manage when the child is regularly seeing the parent and has a good relationship with them.
As it is, your daughter already knows her father wasn’t great, so I doubt she’ll be that shocked. I’d refer to the cheating but probably not the rest of it. It is possible to blame the behaviour rather than being overly critical of him as a person, although at her age she’ll know it makes him not great! Something like ‘your dad made poor choices and had relationships with other women while we were together’ should do it; it’s factual but keeps emotion out of it.

I'd just be honest at that age, which you can still do without slagging him off. Say he liked porn all the time and you didn't and although some couples like to enjoy that together you do not like it and that led to serious compatibility issues.

They don’t need to know about the porn and sex websites, but it’s ok to tell them that he cheated, and because that’s unacceptable the relationship ended. You can be honest without being negative or criticising him. Use age appropriate language and keep it simple.

For us it was me that fuxked the relationship, and I never hid from it. We explained things in an age appropriate way, so as they were only young when it happened, we initially said something along the lines of 'we love each other as just friends and nothing more', and as they've gotten older I've continued to answer their questions and give them more details. Our shared children are 13 and 10 now, the 10yo is a very ...aware... child, so pretty sure last time it was brought up I told him the full story. I never wanted it to be some big dirty secret, I prefer having open communication with them, so just had to be aware of how much was appropriate to tell them at each stage.

I haven't told my DC, not really. Its horrendous and I just don't know how to even start and the effect it may have. I do worry that one day they will think I kept the truth from them though. The older DC did ask but then got distracted and we ended up leaving it. I think I will just have to wait for the right time to come up.

Yeap, my dad was cheating on my mum. My mum was always encouraging us to have a good relationship with my dad but she made it clear to him that he has to explained to us what happened. My dad ended up marrying this lady and had a kid. So once she had the kid, my dad flew from overseas to meet us and tell us in person about her and the baby. I was about 9-10 years old then. I think it’s important to know.