Did you tells your children the reason why you split from their other parent?

[londsa]

My dc have been asking recently.

We split up when they were 2 and 5, neither of them remember anything. They are now mid-late teens. DS is older, DD younger.

DD is especially curious as to why we split up.

The reason was because their dad constantly cheated, was addicted to porn, registered himself on sex websites amongst other things.

Obviously I would never tell them all that - especially the addicted to porn part.

They have an inkling it’s their dad’s fault due to them realising what kind of person their dad is. They do see him but he moved away and has never been massively present in their life. He has no idea about their life apart from the basics. Never came to sports days, school events etc etc. He’s the ‘takes them out for a burger’ kind of parent.

Anyway DD recently asked if her dad cheated on me….(she’s 14 and break ups/cheating etc is part of her life with her friends etc).

I said he made a lot of mistakes and left it at that. But now she wants more details of what he actually did and I’m reluctant to give anymore details. Equally she isn’t close to her dad and I think it wouldn’t upset her if she knew, it was a long time ago and she wouldn’t change her opinion of him - she knows he’s not great.

I don’t hold any anger towards her dad anymore, I gave up a long time ago on trying to get him to be more involved in the kids etc.

Just wondered what others have said in these situations? Is it better to just be honest when they ask? I don’t want to say the wrong thing and then it’s stuck with them forever.

I knew about my dad's affairs before my mum did. It probably changed my attitude to relationships. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing though as it helped me make better decisions.

I think honesty is best, as tactfully as possible. Especially now that they are older.

My mother has always protected my father and his secrets. Recently my sister and I came to learn what he is really like. For years we thought we were the problem!

If your teens ask again, please tell them. Protect your teens and not your ex husband.

I remember when I split from my ex a friend (whose parents had divorced acrimoniously) said that the worst thing about having divorced parents was the sense of being constantly torn between the two halves of yourself. I really took that to heart. I wanted to avoid that at all costs.

I kicked my exH out when DD was four: he was drinking heavily and financially abusing me and we weren’t making each other happy at all. I was lucky in a way in that the split was a wake up call for him to sort himself out, so we actually have a decent relationship now and coparent fairly well, although he provides almost no financial support. So it’s never been necessary to present a “justification” for leaving to her.

I still think that even if he had continued to be really horrible I wouldn’t have detailed his crimes to her. What’s the point? If you have left you have got out and are parenting well alone. What value is there in reviving a hostile and negative narrative about someone who doesn’t really matter in terms of the day to day business of raising a child?

No I wouldn’t give specifics. Mine know because the eldest was there and they knew but they don’t know all of it. You could say

In a relationship it is important to have boundaries on what is and isn’t acceptable to you. Relationships include finances, emotional support, mental support, a physical relationship, and your partner needs to be 100% trustworthy and you agree those boundaries with yourself. Eg I abhor smoking and if my husband took up smoking and refused to quit I would end the relationship. (Put your own example in and make it clear it is a made up example) and When children are involved I would ensure my contraception etc was there so I didn’t have children with someone I wasn’t committed to. Once you have children it becomes even more important that those boundaries are reinforced. I’m not going to go into specifics with your father but that trust and those boundaries were broken.
I had to end the relationship as those boundaries had been ignored etc and instead I had to parent as an independent parent.

However, You have your own DNA and you are your own person and you will create your own boundaries and lines and never be afraid to say ‘No this isn’t working for me’.

I haven’t. I told them some things are private and between adults. They have an excellent relationship with EXH and I don’t want to jeopardize that. (But I do have moments when I have to count to ten internally)

Kids are naturally curious but it’s your role as a parent to protect them. Just keep it vague when it comes to your relationship.

No they heard me being attacked regularly. However, the courts could not comprehend that a 3&6yo have ears and a memory, and I was repeatedly given grief and threatened with losing custody, for alienating them against their father.

I always knew my mum cheated on my dad, probably because the new man moved in so quickly! I was only 6, but dont remember ever being told the details in a big conversation, I just always knew. Over the years I asked my mum questions and she always replied honestly.

Personally, I always go with honesty - they don't need grim details. But they do need to know that their dad broke your trust and your heart and did not behave as one should in a committed relationship with children. Frame it right, and there's no comeback, e.g. we might have been having some problems, but rather than sitting down and discussing things to see if we could work things out, he chose not to, etc.

I think so long as you do it in a sensitive and age appropriate way, it’s the most sensible course of action. Surely if he didn’t want his kids to know then he shouldn’t have behaved in that way and ruined his family.

Mine are now 19 and 20 and they know a lot, through witnessing the behaviour of their dad and what I have told them. We split when they were 1 and 2. My eldest went on holiday with his dad, his dad’s partner and their 5 year old son, when he was 13 and witnessed his dad drunk and calling his partner a whore. This was also in front of their 5 year old son. But there’s something really horrible that their dad did to me when I was pregnant with my eldest. He apologised a few years ago for it, but it’s DS he should apologise to. Neither of them know about that and actually the only other person who knows is a close friend.