My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

If you caught your husband having sex with someone else would you blame yourself for not warning him you were on your way home?

If you had a tradesman in and they brought round a random person to have sex with in your home, you would be okay with that and blame yourself for not giving him time to pull his pants up?

What is wrong with some people on here. Absolutely zero morals but would be the first to come looking for support when their DH cheats on them.

She did not embarrass her child. He embarrassed himself.

Agree is disappointing but none of your business beyond not wanting it under your roof - I would not be telling his GF

So you’d be ok with a girl being cheated on?

Gosh it was just an example but honestly it’s their lives to sort out themselves. A text telling him you’d be home early and none of this would be your problem.

Do you have any normal relationships with men?

So if you came home early and caught your husband cheating you would see the problem being you arriving home early and not the issue being him cheating?

It isn’t a question of morals. I haven’t seen any posts actually condoning what DS did. The question is should OP be the one to tell the GF. Given the can of worms that could open and the tendency to shoot the messenger i don’t think she should. She’ll likely end up the bad guy and her relationship with both of them could be ruined should they decide to carry on with the relationship. If they split, DS will likely blame her. I don’t think OP can win here, and l think her update on what she intends to do is probably the best course of action.

I am not sure he is going to tell her. He cheated on her the moment she was away, and has probably done it before. He dangled an engagement ring in front of you as a get out of jail free card. Not sure how you are going to tell if he has confessed if she carries on with the holiday. He could say he told her and she has forgiven him. I feel sorry for her - especially if he moves into her flat. Feel sorry for your predicament too. He is just a basic cheater and that must smart.

Pulling made up excuses out of nowhere instead of just accepting the op has a right to go home whenever she wants and the son shouldn’t be there shagging a stranger.

I don’t know why you are getting such a hard time on this @ErsBears. What you’ve said seems entirely reasonable. I couldn’t sit with an adult child who had cheated on his partner and play happy families when they visit. His choices would be tell her, or, their relationship was not to be conducted at my house in any way. I would go as far as not attending their wedding if it got that far and I knew and she didn’t. I’d be refusing to provide the lift to the airport as like you, I couldn’t sit in the car with them. DH could do it, but not me!

There is no world where cheating is the right thing to do. If you want something else, you leave. It feels worse that it was a casual thing from a dating app. Who does that, a few nights away from someone you are supposed to love?

How will you deal with it if he tells her and she decides to stay with him? Will you talk to her about it?

The girlfriend can't find this out on her own. She's is totally at the mercy of people who do know telling her. How sad that so many people would rather young women are kept in ignorance and chuck their lives away on someone who doesn't respect them on the most fundamental level. Sickening. Sisterhood eh.

Are you saying that if someone is doing you a favor staying at your home looking after your dog you would roll up a day early at 11.30pm without warning them?

Another poster confusing lack of morals with the practicalities of the fallout, should OP be the one to tell.

I think what you’re saying here is that no one should ever trust you to look after their home because you might use it as a den of iniquity because you have no moral compass. Could be wrong but I doubt it.

😂😂😂 yesh you’d be totally wrong there

The PP I quoted was blaming the OP for not texting to say she was on her way home. If that's the most important thing people are taking from this then yes, morals are clearly an issue.

It's also surprising how many people are happy to be cheated on as long as they aren't told about it.

I probably would but I don't think it's a big deal that the OP didn't. Its hardly the most important thing. In fact it's not important at all.

As I say, I could be but I doubt it.

Yes I would, it’s my home I have every right to be there and I’d expect anyone staying there to treat my home with respect.

Id sit down and explain to your ds that by bringing this home to your house - its ended up involving you and puts you in a difficult position as you can't lie/deceive his girlfriend or be expected to keep this deception going.

Had you not know about this liaison with another woman then it would be any of your business but it makes life really difficult as you don't feel comfortable with deceit.

also talk to him about why he has done the and what his thought process was for doing this. Not that it makes any difference but it may give him somewhere to off load this shit and you are his parent, maybe talking about it and sorting this out in his head - he may not make the same mistake again or in another relationship?

I am so glad you're appalled by his behaviour, honestly it's restored my faith in many of the MN posters generally who seem to have shockingly low standards of how men are allowed to behave. Cheating is never ok, there's never an excuse and you never have to accept it. If you're not happy break up first, then sleep with as many consenting individuals as you please. It really isn't difficult.

You can still love your son, support him etc without condoning his actions. If you do nothing that's exactly what it is. This poor girl deserves the truth.
Especially as you very rightly state, she thinks she's in a monogamous relationship and so her exposure to STIs is limited. This is unfortunately not the case and she deserves to know, othetwise the consequences could be much more severe than a broken heart.

OP, I have a DS25 who lives with his long term GF. If I caught him cheating in my house I would insist he told her. I would have bollocked the living daylights out of him. I would have made it clear that if he thought he could slope off on holiday with her and put her health at risk he could think again.

She deserves to know what he has done so she can decide what to do. If she decides to give him a second chance he should get an STI check before he has sex with her.

Some of the responses on here suggesting you should have warned him about your early arrival are ridiculous, quite frankly. If I was house sitting for DF or PIL I wouldn’t be naked in their living room, for crying out loud. I would respect their property.

Look I wouldn’t be happy at all to think any of my kids had cheated on their partners. If they came and told me about it I’d give advice etc. However I wouldn’t want to know unless they ( or their partner) tell me. It’s their own adult private life and I think it’s best to stay out of it. Sadly its too late for that now so its a difficult situation for OP.to handle understandably

The girlfriend has a right to know what he's done. Ask yourselves how would you feel if this had been done to you and your future mum in law merrily let you be deceived?