My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

He shouldn't be able to enjoy his holiday if he hasn't told his girlfriend what he has done before they go. Otherwise, she is there under false pretences, thinking that she had a loving and faithful boyfriend when she absolutely has not. It could also put her sexual health at risk if they have sex without him using a condom.

The one person that nobody could argue has done something wrong is the girlfriend. She currently isn't in possession of important facts about her relationship and she needs to know before going on holiday.

I might feel bad for his girlfriend but would never in a million years start something with my son like that. It makes me feel like you have unresolved issues with cheating and are taking it out on him. He has to live his own life and learn for himself.
I might not like it but I would never force him to confess. He has to sort his own life out. I would only go so far as to say please respect your own property as you don't want strange there. Plus I wouldn't tell lies to his gf for him .

Thank you OP for being a decent person. You were right to throw her out and right to tell your son to tell his girlfriend. It’s theft of consent otherwise. I would not necessarily say it’s your place to tell but he needs to.

What a disgusting excuse of a man.

You've changed your tune a bit @Nicewoman

Your post on this thread at 4:41 this morning (one of many in a similar vein, some now deleted)

It’s not that, it’s why you think you can interfere & dictate who your adult almost 30-year old son can date? It’s like you’re stabbing him in the back & you will destroy all trust you have with him. Just so you can feel morally superior.
incidentally, the son’s gf probably doesn’t have a flattering opinion of you either before you start dreaming of buying wedding dresses & weddings in Tuscany. Foreign gf is wise to her flirty bf and has already planned her exit speech.

A major part of sorting his life out at his point is learning is that most people (currently around 70% on this thread) have issues with cheating, and that cheating is likely to have negative consequences for him eventually.

I think it was unreasonable not to warn your son you were coming home early. In fact I’m not sure this an actual true post tbh. Who wouldn’t warn family they were arriving unexpectedly at 11.30pm and then starts drinking and then asks son i his bedroom to go and get paracetamol and milk?
If it is all true i’d have pretended not to notice the woman and wouldn’t have questioned my son. It’s between him snd his girlfriend but now you know you know so you’ve put yourself in a difficult position.

I assume the posters telling her to stay out of it are BoyMoms (TM).

As you point out they would not be so understanding if the GF were their daughter or if they learned their husband was cheating and the MIL knew

I don't think he did that. I think that's an excuse.

Why would anybody “warn” somebody they were going back to their own home early?

All these excuses for his awful behaviour. Boys will be boys is still alive and kicking. Maybe it will do him some good to learn consequences and will be better for his next long term partner or the pattern will likely repeat.

That poster has done so many screeching u-turns on this thread, my head is spinning. His early posts were incredibly rude to the OP and got deleted.

I think he is lying to you about (1) only having downloaded the dating app that day and (2) the engagement ring.

He's clearly not unaccustomed to lying if he's a cheat, and I expect he's going for a damage-limitation strategy right now.

There is never a good reason to cheat

If you think it's not "an actual true post" you should report it, not troll hunt. Why would someone make this up for fun, though?

I don’t announce to my DH if I’m coming home early either, it’s my house I can arrive and leave whenever I like without having to let anyone else know. I’m sure my son doesn’t let his flat mates know every time he is leaving or coming home.

We also didn’t start drinking when we got home, we went for a meal and drank then, I didn’t know we were out of milk etc. as I hadn’t been home in several days, DS managed to finish 2 litres of milk and all the cereal. I couldn’t have imagined he’d have a stranger over. I do not want strangers in my home, it’s my home! I only knocked as I could hear the tv and see the light was on under the door and he usually loves an excuse to go to the supermarket at night.

I also wasn’t going to turn a blind eye to a stranger in my home as that’s not okay, you don’t bring extra guests to someone’s house without checking with the owner of the home, it’s common decency.

As we see here - these are the women raising the men that women complain about. All morality goes out the window when it comes to their “Precious Son”.

Always a woman’s fault eh?

This means he cheats on her regularly. She needs to be free of your son.

Couldn't live with myself if she built a life with someone who didnt care enough to be faithful, she has already wasted 2 years on this relationship. I think the moral choice is clear

I'm in disbelief at the responses, and the number of people who are completely indifferent to a man having multiple sexual partners.

So is it actually an issue for a man to have multiple sexual partners? Does it suddenly become OK if the man is a relative, such as a son?

Perhaps cheating men are not the issue after all; the issue is the people who defend them.

This makes it worse - he has a girlfriend and is on dating apps? He will be the kind of husband who continually cheats.

Having been the woman on the receiving end of a similar scenario, except that my ex’s mum knew about it and did nothing - thank you OP for being a decent person. OF COURSE it’s not ok and OF COURSE the gf needs to know. anyone who thinks there’s any excuse not to tell her has obviously never been in a situation where cheating was involved.

Jesus wept….

It’s evident that the whole family lacks respect.

No accusation required, it was written in the OP.

This can only be written by someone who has cheated.