My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

I can't imagine being 28 years old and my mother thinking that she could tell me what I should do. And on what timeline. And I think I would tell her that.

It's one thing having a word with your 28 year old and telling them that you think their actions are morally wrong, but it is quite another to dictate what they should do and treat them like a 2-year-old. As if being a parent gives you the right to do what other adults can't.

(Where I do agree with Op is that I have a right to go ballistic at DS for having sex with strangers in my home when all I asked them to do was look after the dog).

Good for you!!!! The second he invited this woman into your home he had no expectation that you’d be complicit in making his gf an unknowing fool. This thread shows that many mothers would have,

You are right to tell her we women need to make men accountable family or not. It imo is serial assault to have sex with someone hiding this and emotional abuse. He needs to learn from this and without consequences he will not. How can some women stand by and say nothing then moan about men's behaviour you who don't say anything are adding to this. All those posts here with heartbroken women when their partners cheat and leave often holding the baby ... when do you think the attitude of if I get away with it it's fine comes from, it doesn't start in a vacuum

Totally agree Ers bears

It's a tough situation. Don't tell her and don't take them to the airport. Avoid seeing her until everything is figured out.

Quite. She has her own place, she’s got everything to gain from dropping the cheater. He can stay in his rented room in a house of YPs.

So would you be fine about being made complicit in a horrible deception towards someone you like and have a good relationship with, which you might have to live with forever if the couple get married and/or have kids? I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be happy at all to be put in that position and I certainly would make it clear that I wouldn’t be lying for the deceiver

😂😂🙈 contrary to your user name I expect you’re actually a horribleman..

Of course being a parent means you can be involved in your child’s life in a way other adults aren’t. The nature of the relationship is completely different.

It’s not about telling him what to do, it’s not having him control what I do. So he can choose to tell his girlfriend or not, totally his decision, what he can’t do is dictate what the OP does. She has knowledge that she feels morally she can’t keep from a young woman she clearly respects.

In her shoes I’d give my DS time to tell his girlfriend directly, because she deserves to hear it from him. If he decided not to tell her that’s his choice. As an autonomous adult who has been brought into the situation by my son, I too have a decision to make independent of what he decides, and my decision would be to tell her. I’m not prepared to lie by omission, or see her disrespected by him and her health put at risk.

Its not blackmail to tell him that irrespective of his decision, I too have a decision to make.

If you walked in on your DIL or son's serious girlfriend having sex with another man while your son is away, what would you do?

Saying the OP shouldn't intervene directly isn't the same as condoning what he did. And whether she intervenes or not, he could cheat again - he could just be more careful not to get caught! There are no guarantees OP's son will change his ways either way. I also don't think she is protecting him, she's let him know how awful she thinks his behaviour is, which is more than a lot of "boy moms" who look the other way. I also think it's right she doesn't take them to the airport if he doesn't fess up before going away.

Being the messenger also can backfire on the people who tell. The GF may well not thank OP for it. These things don't always go as we expect, even when we might think we're doing the right thing morally. As someone who has often spoken up, I know from experience people often prefer ignorance, and it's important to examine before telling someone something like this who you are doing it for. Is it really an altruistic gesture for them, or is it to alleviate discomfort for you, or to take back a sense of control?

She probably would if the neighbour shagged in her house and she was friendly with the wife.

As the mum of 3 daughter is and 5 sons I treat girlfriends the way if expect and want my own daughter's to be treated .
I'd want my daughter to know especially given he's moving into her flat she deserves to know for so many reasons including sti check .
I'd give him a chance to tell her himself or is tell him I'd be telling her .

What a little shitbag. No wonder you're disappointed.

This thread is crazy. Cheating threads are always wild because why WOULDNT you want to know your partner is cheating ?? Caught first hand ? Youd all rather live in ignorance than face it. Sticking your heads in the sand will only lead to choking.

Any damage to the relationship has been done BY the son, to the OP. If she "doesn't get involved" as some suggest, she has to actively deceive the girlfriend, with whom she has a good relationship, every time she sees her.

if i was the girl id want you to tell me if he didn’t! I think its okay to “get involved” in a situation like this.

I think you’re amazing. I’d be gutted if my son was using a dating app to deliberately cheat on his gf.
he didn’t go to a bar, get slammed and get off with someone and then regret it. He fully planned this - that’s much worse and speaks to his lack of respect for being in a committed relationship.
tprally right to read him the root
act. I’d be livid too x

Personally I think it is likely he is lying about downloading the app that morning - cheaters lie and most people I know who have cheated have cheated multiple times, particularly those in happy loving relationships. There is also some forethought involved in downloading an app in the morning time - he made a decision to cheat. It would also be incredibly bad luck if the first time he cheated ever he got caught. Obviously the way to know if he is lying is to see the app and see how long he has been on it.

It is more likely that he has done this on other occasions too, likely to other women too - both in your house and other locations. His early reaction of being more concerned that you came home early and showing no remorse is telling.

So many women defending their precious boys.

how do we expect the constant misogyny and mistreatment of women to stop if we don’t step in ourselves.

the poor girlfriend. She is lucky to have had you as his mother Op, and one day you’ll be a great MIL.

You are…

Crackpot responses from those squealing about keeping your nose out and it's not your business and projection about the OP being controlling 10+ years in the future. Absolute lunacy. I would hate for any of you to be my friends. If I was the GF I would be eternally grateful you told me @ErsBears and stay friends with you after kicking your stupid son's stupid arse to the kerb. Please tell her.

If your son did this would you still welcome his gf into your home and lie to her face?

Astonished by replies in this thread. Usually if someone finds out a man is cheating and the cheated on party is the OPs friend/family member the general consensus is she has a right to know, I'd want to know, your being a good friend etc etc but cos its the OPs son suddenly she shouldn't interfere its not her business etc. Double standards on show are staggering.