My DS cheated on his girlfriend in my home

[ErsBears]

Hi, so DH and I were away staying with friends over new year, DS’s girlfriend had gone back to her home country to see her family and DS couldn’t as he had to work so I asked if he would be okay staying at ours to watch the dog, he said sure.
DH and I came home early as one of our friends has fallen ill and wanted some space, we went for dinner first then got a train and cab home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t pre warn DS as I didn’t really see the need to. When we got home he was in his room so I didn’t bother him but then DH realised we had no milk, nothing for breakfast and DH had a headache so needed some paracetamol. We have a 24 hour shop within driving distance and both DH and I had been drinking so I went to ask DS if he would mind popping out. I could see his light was on and hear the tv so knew he was awake. When I knocked on the door the first thing I heard was a girls voice saying “is that your mum”. He came the door in his boxers and asked why we were back early, I explained he told me he’d been drinking so couldn’t. Fine. I asked if his girlfriend was back early (I knew it wasn’t her as his girlfriend has a very identifying accent and it was clearly an English accent I heard).

Anyway he admitted he had someone else over, I told him that she had to leave, he booked her a cab and she left. I made it clear to him that either he tells his girlfriend tomorrow or as soon as she is back or I will tell her, I do not condone cheating. He tried to tell me he didn’t sleep with her but when I pointed out he was only in boxers he admitted he was lying. He said he would tell her but they have a holiday booked for next week (she gets back on Sunday, they fly out on Monday).

For context he’s 28, his girlfriend is 25 and they’ve been together for 2 years, they don’t live together but she owns a flat and he was meant to be moving in this year.

AIBU to be bloody raging and so disappointed that this is the man I raised? I am disgusted that he cheated and I think he needs to tell her before the holiday. We are meant to be picking them up on Monday morning to take them to the airport as it’s an early flight. I don’t think I can sit with her in the car and send her off on holiday with him knowing what he has done!

What? OP’s reaction is of somebody with a moral compass who is bitterly disappointed by her son’s behaviour. I wish more parents were like this! I most certainly would be like this if either of my kids behaved similarly.

Exactly this! Theres another thread running and the general consensus is that a MIL is out of order for not contacting the DIL that’s been cheated on. Here we have the OP acting very morally upright towards her sons Gf and people think it’s unreasonable.

He downloaded a dating app to try and opportunistically (is that a word?!) sleep with someone while he was staying away from home and people who know his girlfriend. I'm not sure how you could get any more premeditated than that!

Not really because that information was in the OP. Some people are so eager to put the boot into the OP that they can't even be bothered to read the first post, never mind any follow-up posts from the OP.

NO it's not easily done. Why comment on posts you cannot be bothered to read properly? How can you comment when you obviously don't have the facts as you can't be bothered to read the posts?

Plus plenty of posters reiterating that the son DOES NOT LIVE with his mother.

Does that mean his cheating isn't going to have an emotional impact on his girlfriend of 2 years? Trust matters just as much before marriage and kids as after, and his breaking it has a huge potential to hurt and emotionally damage this poor woman.

Uncalled for. The poster acknowledged her mistake and it’s easily done.

I would ask him to tell her by a certain time and if he doesn’t I’d tell her.

The onus is on him to tell her but in fairness she needs to know before the holiday

Obvs we all read ‘he’ isn’t living with OP.

But, as that’s the case, why is OP getting soo involved.
…If OP’d witnessed a neighbour doing what ‘he’’s apparently done, OP wouldn’t have said a single word, to any1.

Sorry, but in this case it was. OP said her son was at her house, so easy to miss the fact that he didn’t live there full time. The poster had acknowledged their mistake, so it was over and done with. MN attracts people with all levels of reading/comprehension and writing skills - no need to bang on about it.

All that and he doesn’t live with his parents 😬. Do people not read anymore?

I have to comment to say how appalled I am at the people saying this is none of the OPs business.

I hope that ANY woman who knew a man close to her was having casual sex with strangers would ensure his long term partner found out.

The sons girlfriend deserves to be protected and to know the sort of man she might end up having children with.

People seem to be assuming that the girlfriend will end it when she finds out, which may not be the case. If she decided to stay with him would OP get further involved telling her what she should or shouldn't do?

Well, despite your emphatic NO we can agree to differ on whether it’s easily done. That poster put their hands up and admitted they had missed something. Mea culpa and all that. You just got the boot in. It’s rude.

I wouldn't tell her. But I'd have a serious conversation with my son, telling him he's clearly not ready for a committed long term relationship. Ask what his intentions are with the GF and I'd explain that in my view the relationship should end and he shouldn't be a coward. That the very fact of him cheating means he shouldnt be with the GF. That cheating is vile, and that dating apps are not for use when in a relationship. I'd want him to reflect and take action.

She doesnt have to end it but she will then be acting with full knowledge of what her partner is doing.

AGAIN, NO IT IS NOT EASILY DONE. Just read the posts properly and then there will not be god knows how many posts getting it so wrong

Are you deliberately being obtuse or what? She is getting involved because he shagged the other girl IN HER HOUSE and she caught them in the act. She also has a close relationship with the GF and does not want to pretend everything is fine to her face and be part of her son's deception. If he didn't want his mother to know then he shouldn't have shagged someone else in her house.

And the person in the wrong isn't a neighbour it is her own son. If you can’t see the difference between a son and a neighbour then you've clearly got issues.

The relationship with her son is already damaged, he’s been incredibly disrespectful to her by using her home as a knocking shop. He’s involved her in his deception and betrayal and she’s now in a very difficult position. Funny how people focus on the mum needing to compromise her morals to preserve the relationship with her son, with no acknowledgment that he has actively caused harm to that relationship.

He’s not a child, he’s old enough to deal with the consequences of his behaviour including the impact on his parents.

Personally, I’m with you OP. I don’t understand the stance that “it’s none of your business”, when most people would want to know if they have been cheated on. Who better to hold your son accountable than you. Another aspect that seems to be getting glossed over is the fact that he’s putting his girlfriend’s sexual health at risk by not disclosing. If you care about his girlfriend then you would do the right thing by her, and you’re not being disloyal. You’re just showing that you have boundaries, he cheated on his partner in your home, and that you will not be asked to lie by omission to stop him facing the consequences of his actions. It’s kind of shocking the amount of people who would keep this kind of information secret and basically facilitate it.

I would maybe have kept my mouth shut if he was drunk and made a mistake, was really remorseful etc. But as soon as his gf was out of the country he was on a dating app and took the opportunity to sleep with someone else while he had use of a house. He planned this as soon as he had the opportunity, and he still isn't being honest, he 'didn't think it would happen'...what did he think would happen if he arranged for a woman to come round who he met on a dating app. What would he think if his gf did this when she got home? It all feels very cold and calculated and all about what he wants. Maybe you should show him some of the threads on here from women who felt completely violated finding out they'd been sleeping with someone who had been cheating on them as they wouldn't have consented to sex if they'd had the facts

I actually applaud you, many Mums would turn a blind eye to their child’s behaviours. Yes he is old enough to not have a parent on their tail / needs to make mistakes to learn from etc, but from my view you’re protecting his GF. If she is looking to move him in and first thing he does is invite a girl over, this relationship isn’t looking good and she will waste valuable years.

He may not thank you for it, but goodness if my exMiL had the gumption to do this for me would have saved me a hell of a lot of heartache.

It takes a lot of mettle to do this, thank you, from one of those GFs.

Only after he gets his inheritance I imagine

The natural conclusion is the relationship ends. I would be VERY suspicious if the couple worked it out and continued. Because the conclusion then would be the wronged person is also cheating, or is in the relationship for other reasons than love.

The only reason to continue a relationship post-cheating is where there is a marriage & small kids involved, where the person cheated on has to consider other people, like little kids, or elderly parents, massive financial implications, uprooting kids from schools etc.

a 25-year old woman in the prime of her life who earns more than her bf, and who has only dated him 2 years would absolutely need to cut her losses.

once a cheater, always a cheater and he is in no way remorseful, even to his own mum.

At that point, the moral question has been resolved, so there’d be no need for further intervention. It’s not about the OP telling her son what to do, it’s about the difficult position he’s put her in with regards to involving her in his deception- towards a woman it sounds as if OP likes and respects- and about her disappointment and dismay at his conduct. If the son does the right thing now, his girlfriend can act with full knowledge of the situation, and it’s then up to her how she behaves.