I Hate Living Alone

[Beelineshmeeline]

I split from DH in July and he moved out after I found out about cheating, we have DC who is 6 and has disabilities. I'm struggling so much, the split was out of the blue and I have no idea how to get on with things.
But everyone keeps saying to me how nice it must be to live alone and get all this quiet time when DC isn't here or when they're in bed or at school, but I don't get it. I hate it. I've taken to having Alexas in almost every room to have the radio on because I can't bare the silence. When DC goes to bed or to my ex, I feel so lost. People come round to keep me company but then I dread them leaving. I hate coming home from work to an empty house, going to be alone, waking up alone, eating alone, watching TV alone.

I know it's early days, especially when we were together for 20 years and lived together for 18, but I don't want to be alone. I'm obviously nowhere near ready for another reactionship. But I never wanted to be on my own. I can't take a roommate in with DC. I even tried going to the pub alone and a local weight loss group yesterday, but again, I came home and felt more lonely than ever.

Does anyone just hate living alone? Or does the good come when I'm less of a heartbroken wreck?

You don’t live alone you live with your child.

I think often people talk about the pleasures of being alone when it isn't their default mode or when they're really glad to be rid of someone. Your situation sounds really hard. Is there anyone who would be able to come for longer, eg sister or mum who could stay for the weekend regularly? It will get better over time but that's not much consolation now. My other tip would be to get out of the house more when your DS isn't there - get a cinema pass or something, or join classes where it's set up so you get to chat to people. The pub alone is hard because it's supposed to be so bloody social.

It's just because it's new and your used to someone being there. It will get better

When I first left the kids dad I hated being alone. 8 years down the line I love it so much 😅

I say alone, DS9 is currently in bed next to me 😅

Definitely get out when DC aren't there.

Are there any hobbies or activities you used to do that you could pick back up?

If you want people to talk to I wonder if you could volunteer for one of those chat services for lonely people? It'd be a very kind thing to do and would probably help.

Any chance of a pet? Or walking a neighbours dog? Walking a dog is very sociable, everyone talks to you.

DC is at school and then goes to bed early and currently spends 3 days one week and 4 days the next at exes. From 7 every night I'm alone, every other weekend I'm alone, 50% of the time I'm alone.

It must be such a huge adjustment and will take time.

(I’m on the opposite spectrum and live alone and would find it hard living with people)

My friend came and stayed when DC first started going to exes for a few days at a time but they all have their own families. My family isn't very supportive of each other in general and we're not close. My mums old fashioned and thinks we should have stayed together so she's not helpful at all, I get a lecture from here whenever I try to express any kind of sadness.

I'm trying to now get out but it's hard. I'm still pining for my ex and then if I do enjoy something I hate going home to be alone again. If anything it makes me feel worse. Which I know is probably temporary, but my god its difficult.

Do not, I repeat, do not get a dog. I am saying that as someone who got one 14 years ago in the same situation and learnt the hard way that unless you have the money bags and time to be at the dog sitters continually, navigating work and regaining your social life will be so much harder.

I think every person is different …. I live alone normally and although I like my own company and I’m not a needy person , living alone can be soul destroying . I was made redundant aswell last year and honestly I spend 95% of my time alone. I have family but it’s not the same . You’re still coming home to an empty house (when you ain’t got your child)

I literally feel like my world has got really small . My friend goes on and on about her living alone but she doesn’t . She has an adult daughter who she lives with and watches films with every night , they have the same sort of sense of humour and so they chatter away and have fun together most nights …
she is not by herself , it’s totally different and I imagine having a young child is like company like having a pet . They give you cuddles and a reason to get up in a morning but you can’t go to them to talk about your day .

People who don’t live by themselves don’t understand and they never will . The loneliness is really hard .

It's obvious what she means.

You are pining for your ex, you say.

I suspect once you stop doing that, having a few nights alone will not be a problem at all.

Your feelings about your relationship are the issue, not the living alone. It's a symptom, not the cause.

Really, the best cure is time. And to keep busy on those nights - join a gym, go to a class and then sit in a sauna. See friends, go to their houses after their kids are in bed for a herbal tea and chat. Go to the theatre/gig/cinema etc. Volunteer. Make new friends.
Do loads of errands so your time with your kid is not spent doing so much domestic work.
But mostly, you have to work on reframing your way of thinking about living alone. Practice some gratitude - sounds cheesy but you need to retrain your brain.

You have a different life now but it will still be a good life.

Also, adopt a nice snuggly cat.

Divorced here, and kids living with me, but I don’t think I’d be very good at living alone. Having children in the house is very different to having another adult in the house. I worry a lot about what sort of life I’ll live if/when they all grow up and move out.

Do you have a big enough house to host students or have a lodger? I’m not sure what your DDs disabilities are so that could be a stupid suggestion.

Its not being alone that is the issue, its missing that one particular person who would always be there and now isnt.

You are still getting over the end of your marriage and thats the issue I think. Some counselling would help you come to terms with what is rather than what you thought it would be. You are grieving your lost future and that takes time but once you start to see the other side (especially when you begin to see your ex as he really is rather than how you thought he was) then the silence isnt so oppressive. I realised quite early on that I was far more lonely when my ex was sitting next to me than I was when I was alone.

You will get there, this is just a stage on the journey x

I am single mum of 10 years. I found it hard at first too OP, but it does get easier. Listening to podcasts actually helps a lot too.

I was going to suggest a cat.
All you have to do for her would be pour all your heart into her and love her madly. She’ll do it right back.
There'll always be that heartbeat in the house when you come in, and a little soul always so delighted you are back where you belong!
Great as bed companions, good for soothing a bad back, takes the bins out, DD will adore her…..and so on. Don’t delay!

My DH died recently. I have a dog and she’s amazing. She’s such great company, I never feel alone.

So perhaps get a dog or a cat.

It takes time to adjust to living alone. It’s tough not having someone to chat with when you’re usually around people.
it’ll get easier and become your safe space.

You know very well that’s not what she means. What a smug, unhelpful comment.

It can take so much time to adjust to living on your own, OP.
In my case, it was I who left, but living alone with two 6 month old babies? It was pretty miserable in many respects for the first year to 18 months.
It did get easier and, 7.5 years later, I genuinely enjoy living alone (my DC are with me FT, so always have someone in the home with me!), but when you are used to your life with another adult and that is taken from you in a situation not of your making? I think that must really exacerbate the sense of loneliness.
Sending you a massive hug.

What was the point of this comment?

It can be really tough, especially when it's not your choice or your preference. My mum is quite newly widowed- she can live alone just fine but is not currently living alone through choice or happy circumstance and says it's very different and a bit tougher than when she has been alone previously. It still has downsides when you're happy alone/ alone by choice. I coped fine and enjoyed it when I was single - but still had lonely spells. I used to save my admin for a couple of nights a week- it definitely filled the time.

Some of the suggestions upthread are pretty good. If the issue is coming back to a quiet house- radio or podcast and then a bit of a wind down routine so you've got something that fills in time / you're repeating not thinking for some time?

Life will change and get fuller but it will take time. I hope you find some things that bring you satisfaction.

Filling the lonely gaps with visitors only plugs them for that short time - it's accepting that this is your life at the moment that is the answer. I found evening routine helped, broke the time up into chunks that I felt were doable. I also agree about a cat (not a dog) as they are fairly independent but can be relied upon to love you to bits when they're hungry and it's good to feel there's another beating heart in the place. Would a cat work? My worst time was the Easter break - no work for 4 days and everyone busy busy with their families. Sending a hug, it does get better 💐

Hugs. It’s very new and you’ve just had your first Xmas / new year and going through winter imo the worst time. Definitely keep up with trying new groups / hobbies , swimming , Pilates ? Do you work with any nice colleagues you could start a walking group through winter or pub quiz?

My husband works away mom to Fri every other week I have 3 children under 5 and the balance actually works really welll ( no family help ) so I am solo alternative but would I hell want to be alone full time I would definitely be lonely even with 3 noisy children. Take time to heal from the breakdown of your marriage being no fault of your own and the future will be brighter I’m sure x