Grieving the home/location I imagined for my child

[TheQuietLurker]

I’m hoping for some perspective from others who might have been here.

We’ve recently bought our family home and I’m struggling more than I expected with where we’ve ended up. I grew up in a detached house in a quieter, “nicer” area, and due to finances we’ve had to buy a semi in a less desirable area. I didn’t realise how much this would affect me until we moved in.

I’m finding neighbour noise hard to cope with (door slamming, dogs barking etc) and it’s making me feel on edge. I also feel really sad that we couldn’t buy in my hometown so my daughter could go to the same primary school I did and have better local facilities. I keep comparing and grieving the picture I had in my head.

I feel a lot of guilt that I’m not giving my daughter the quiet, peaceful childhood and home environment I always imagined for her, even though I know we’re lucky to own a home and this gives her stability. Has anyone else felt like this after buying? How did you come to terms with it — and does it get easier with time?

I think ‘grieving’ is far too strong a word for this, sorry. People are actually grieving right now, your daughter growing up in a semi rather than a detached house isn’t ‘grief’.

I also grew up in a large detached house in a beautiful village with lots of money, my kids are being raised in a 4 bed (not a big one - 4th bedroom over the garage type job) 500m from a motorway and on an ‘estate’ but it is what it is. I had visions of them living where I did in a similar property but the quality of life here has tanked and house prices gone up and that’s the way it is.

I imagine someone who was actually grieving to loss of a loved one would find this post disgusting.

Get a grip OP

The word grieving isn't solely related to mourning the death of someone.
It can also mean you are distressed over something as in "It grieves me to say this but ... ".

This exactly

My opinion is that grief is to do with loss generally, rather than just death specifically, so I don't take issue with the wording.

I understand where you are coming from, you have lost the type of parenthood you expected to be able to give.

But the reality is you ARE a parent, and you will give your child the best life you can, so you need to put those feelings aside and look for the positives.

wierdly I was discussing this with my adult daughter today.

if it helps she has almost the opposite opinion to you o/p. She had schoolmates that went to the same school as their parents, and found it very odd and insular. Most of them growing up with that lifestyle had no ambition to leave, and are now still in the area repeating their parents lives. Grandkids going to the same school, known as their parents children…

you are giving your child their own life. They will benefit from that as much as they will following your path. It will show them they can move away, there are other options.

Grief takes lots of forms. Of course there are devastating losses, but it's not fair to pick up on one word used by the OP.

I have the opposite experience to you OP. I grew up on a council estate, housing association, pretty rough, inner city London. I now have a modest semi in a very nice part of the West Country that I own with DP, and DC grew up here. I'm forever waiting for the other shoe to drop and to lose it. Sometimes, I am even envious of what my DC had that I didn't (would never say anything!). I remind myself that bottom line, a roof over their heads, warmth and love from an important adult and full bellies (of anything) is enough. Whether it's a mansion or a council flat. We are all just doing our best.

No-one can give their child the childhood they had themselves- the primary school you went to will likely be very different now for example. Times move on, I don't think it's healthy to live in an idealised past. Live the life you have now, and really live it. That will give your child the best childhood you can give them.

Gosh I must be a dreadful parent. My poor DS is growing up in a 4 bed terraced townhouse.

Seriously though, you can't recreate a childhood by sending a child to the same school. I am 40 but the majority of my teachers are retired or in fact dead. Nor will she feel hard done to buy neighbour noises.

I grew up in a large detached bungalow with massive garden, and do have some negative feelings about my DC growing up in a semi. I think it's very common in the generation of people currently in their 30s because of the way the economy has gone. In my family, we could afford for my mum to work very part time, for example, as my dad was a high earner, whereas with DH and I the income is more equal. However, trying to remember that we have health and happiness and our life would be desirable for many

I am grieving the loss of a loved one and I totally get what OP means and can empathise with her situation. You're being very unkind here.

Maybe we hope that each generation will do better in financial terms than the previous one.

We had a bigger house than my parents, but smaller than my in laws. One of my children has a bigger house than us.

We do the best we can with the resources we have. The children will care about the care they have and the people in their lives.

Sorry, I meant no offence by using the word grieving. I’ve always thought it was a verb to describe sadness for missing something or someone. Perhaps my understanding of the word is wrong.

Thank you all for your comments. They have given me perspective. I am still new to mum life (4 months postpartum) so perhaps it’s also my hormones that are fuelling these anxious feelings.

I thought this too, I’ve heard it used in this way plenty of times? 🤔

Well, my DS is growing up in a flat…but seriously, I don’t think accommodation is the key to a happy childhood/successful life. And if things really don’t work out, maybe make a plan to save some money and move in future.

I feel like this too. We live in zone one and I wish sometimes we lived far out of London so my children would have the large house and garden I expected. I know they benefit in other ways but I do wish they had a big garden. It just doesn’t exist where we are.

Also your use of the word grieving in this context is absolutely normal! People are so odd sometimes!

We lived in a tiny mid terrace on a busy little cul de sac when DD was born and moved this summer just as she turned 5.

It was very close and neighbourly honestly and DD is such an outgoing sociable little thing she actually loved it. We had some lovely neighbours and lots of kids on the street.

We’ve moved to the big quiet detached now and it’s lovely don’t get me wrong, but DD misses our previous neighbours and having friends to play out. She has told me a few times our new house is boring.

My dad grew up on a rough council estate in London, went to Grammar School, did well for himself and we grew up in a nice detached house in a quiet tree lined street with a big garden. I don't think one was actually better than the other - my dad had a sense of community on his estate that we didn't have - indeed I was mocked at school by some kids for living in the 'posh road'! Our neighbours were quite snobby and not very friendly. His neighbours were all families who didn't have much, like my Gran & Grandad but they were all friendly and looked out for each other. My Gran refused to move from her house when she was old because she still had so many good friends in her road.

Try and embrace the community where you live and find your people. Get out and about and meet some other mums, you might be surprised who you hit it off with.

You obviously had a very happy childhood and it’s natural to want to recreate that for your daughter. But the happiness you felt in your childhood didn’t come from the size of your parent’s house or the facilities where you grew up.

You are parenting in a very different way to how you were brought up and there is a lot of things that are different and unknown. Could this material focus actually be a bugger thing of worrying about giving your daughter the childhood you had, in a world that is changing quicker than you can keep up?

Omg a semi-detached! How dreadful, they’ll surely end up in prison. 🎻

FFS, as a homeowner in a house you’re extremely privileged. We work very hard full time and are overjoyed to own our terraced house. We feel very fortunate in this economic climate especially considering the state of this country.

May I recommend having a sincere think about your situation and writing a list of everything you have to be grateful for. What an infuriating thread.

Can you save really hard, take on extra jobs to buy the house you dream of.
I personally love living in a noisier environment.
Not all night obviously.
If you hate it try renting your home for one in the area you desire.
My tiny terrace doesn't have a side entrance and it was built for little people.

Oh OP I get it, we assume our dcs will have a similar or better childhood than the one we had. But we are now a generation who are expecting to have a lower standard of living than their own parents. As a country, we have this idea things get better and easier for each generation- that we’ll stay the same or be “upwardly mobile” - being “downwardly mobile” hasn’t really been flagged as a more likely scenario.

Im sure you’d be fine not living in your hometown with your dd going to your old school if you felt the lifestyle she would have would be equal or better to the one you had.

OP acknowledge the issue. Face that you can’t give your dd the lifestyle you assumed you would be able to. That’s ok to be sad about. Then get on with appreciating what you do have.

At no point did I say owning a semi is dreadful or that I’m not grateful. I was asking whether others have struggled with the emotional adjustment after buying and how they worked through it.

I feel very privileged to own a home, but still have some worries. Both things can coexist.