Grieving the home/location I imagined for my child

[TheQuietLurker]

I’m hoping for some perspective from others who might have been here.

We’ve recently bought our family home and I’m struggling more than I expected with where we’ve ended up. I grew up in a detached house in a quieter, “nicer” area, and due to finances we’ve had to buy a semi in a less desirable area. I didn’t realise how much this would affect me until we moved in.

I’m finding neighbour noise hard to cope with (door slamming, dogs barking etc) and it’s making me feel on edge. I also feel really sad that we couldn’t buy in my hometown so my daughter could go to the same primary school I did and have better local facilities. I keep comparing and grieving the picture I had in my head.

I feel a lot of guilt that I’m not giving my daughter the quiet, peaceful childhood and home environment I always imagined for her, even though I know we’re lucky to own a home and this gives her stability. Has anyone else felt like this after buying? How did you come to terms with it — and does it get easier with time?

Bloody hell both my raised-in-a-5-bed-detached-in-Surrey would give their eye teeth to have been raised in Zone 1!!! All that culture on the doorstep - wow!

Hmm, I grew up in a detached but personally hated it after my parents split up (house was very rural and spooky), so I’ve only ever bought terraced townhouses to live in! Our first one you could hear neighbours going up and down the stairs etc, sometimes noisy but gave me reassurance that if something went wrong there was someone else there to help - which after a real life incident was proven correct! We’ve been blessed with amazing neighbours and always done our due diligence before buying. Only thing I miss for DC is a proper garden but assuaged by a park immediately out of my back gate, having a shared allotment and gratitude that I don’t have to maintain much. Also my mortgage is far far smaller (£100-150k) than it would have been had we not picked our house - it was the cheapest on the market at the time through negotiating plus being empty for some time with a really crap advert.

I feel the same, added to the fact that my children hate our street. It was kind of okay when we moved here but is full of litter and crime. I have horrible aggressive anti social neighbours. I feel like I have failed my family sadly.

people are being dicks. Grieving is about loss. Loss of a dream, a life plan. It’s valid

My child started his life in a notorious rough town. It wasn't what I would've planned for him and my aim to move away by the time he was two fell through, it actually took until he was five. It wasn't ideal but that was just the way circumstances went. You only have so much control over what happens. We did manage to move away and are in a much nicer place now, but whatever happens you do have to make the most of it and look for the positives. Suppose my child moves out and can only afford a place in Notorious Rough Town..? Not ideal, but there's only so much you can control, right?

Look for the positives where you are, make the most of what you've got. Stay upbeat and look for opportunities to improve your lot. Most of us start off at the lower end of the scale and hope to move up, don't we?

I wanted to move to a better area / nicer house / good school before my son started school. Looked for houses and realised the nice ones were out of our budget and then offers weren't accepted (Scotland) so we ended up staying where we are. Well my son started school and he is THRIVING. The school and teachers are fab. There's a lovely community with the mums and he has made great friends who are lovely kids. So actually it all worked out. There's a saying in Scotland: what's for you won't go by you!
So hope all works out well for you too - you never know!

Yes, my ex husband felt like this and was very unhappy until we had the house of his dreams.

Guess what- he still wasn’t happy. The Unhappy is deep inside him, and no level of getting the stuff he says he wants takes away from the fact that the root cause is internal and not externalities.

I have no clue if that applies to you, but my dream home had to be sold in the divorce which was devastating. The smaller apartment we now live in is a much happier place though.

I can understand your feelings, OP. But, in terms of your children’s quality of life and future prospects, far more important than the size of house you live in, or the leafiness of the street, is the cultural capital you will pass on to them. And you can do that in any sort of house.

Oh it's a horrible feeling to feel you're I'm the wrong place and especially that your dc are. If your child told you they absolutely love their home and they're so happy there, I'll bet that would make things 100% better.. we get into our heads when we feel we've misstepped on our children's behalf when actually all they want is a happy home and a secure life. I think you'll find as time passes, this will get much better.

When I feel this way I try to put it into perspective that someone who lives in a flat who would dream of living in a semi would feel the same way. Comparison is the thief of joy .

I had a more financially privileged childhood than my children have. It is what it is, and I make the best of it. Generally they are happy children. I do sometimes feel it though, that they don't have what I had.

That sounds tough. You have not failed your children, the street has changed and that’s out of your control. You’re definitely not the only one in this situation ❤️

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments, they’ve been really helpful, and it’s such a relief to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I completely agree with what some of you said about house prices outpacing wages - even though my DH and I have better jobs than our parents did, we’re still in a smaller home. I guess that’s just how things are these days.

I also really appreciate the reminders that a happy, present family is far more important than the material things, and I couldn’t agree more.

If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that mum guilt is very real, and comparison really is the thief of joy. Thank you all for helping me put things in perspective ❤️

I understand OP. I remember making my best friend laugh when I said naively to her as a teenager that it'd be a brilliant thing if we both ended up having a similar middle class lifestyle and homes/careers to our successful, well off parents (professionals, good careers in financial and higher education sectors, pots of money in comfortable Home Counties detached houses).

She just chuckled, looked at me and said sagely "I'm not sure that will ever happen!" Well, we're not doing too badly but we certainly aren't on a par either with our parents, so her wise words were true!

Middle class life is totally different these days. Aspirations to having a similar situation and lifestyle to my extremely comfortable childhood is unrealistic. I count my blessings to have three wonderful children, a lovely loving husband and a (smaller than average but fine) detached house.

Like you, I wish things could be better but I try to appreciate all I have been blessed with.

I think it's natural to doubt your choices after buying a home, it's a massive deal and a lot changes.

I'm someone who really struggles with change; 5 years ago I moved from a rented mid-terraced 2 bedroom downstairs flat to a 4 bedroom detached house we bought and I really struggled to adjust! We live near a sports stadium and an airport and the noises made me really anxious and doubt where we'd moved to. Even the noises inside the house caused me stress, I remember the noise of the shower running above my living room making me feel panicky as I'd never had a 2 storey home! I also felt quite unsafe not having neighbours close by, my partner worked away and I felt really horribly alone when he was gone.

5 years late I absolutely love where I live, I got used to everything I hated and have no regrets! Give it a chance and just let some time pass, you might love it too :)

I grew up rurally, in a big thatched house, 3 acres of land, stables, orchards - I even had a canoe on one (!) of the ponds. The house was lovely, but it was miles from anywhere and as a teen I hated it, I was so lonely and isolated from my friends living in the City and dependent on my parents giving me lifts everywhere. I ran off to London for uni and lived here ever since. My teen DC are living in a 4 bed semi in (pretty rough) SE London, postage stamp sized garden, not really enough space for all of us (and their endless ‘stuff’) but having an absolute blast going out with their mates, being able to walk to school with friends, attend lots of brilliant sports facilities etc. I’m a bit envious of their lifestyle really, even if they could use a bigger bedroom.

Your child is very young OP. Where you are now in your lives financially is not necessarily where you will be in 5-10 years time. It sounds like you had an idea in your head that at the point of bringing a child into the world you’d be living quite a well off life, but that’s unrealistic for most people now and even though the housing market’s changed a lot it was still unrealistic for most people a generation ago.

It may be that that ideal house in the ideal location is still to come for you. Maybe not. But in the end it’s not what’s going to make your kid’s childhood a special one. They have a loving mum who wants the best for them - that’s what will make all the difference.

YABU. This is about your feelings about where you live, DD doesn’t know any different. You are not stuck in the house forever. Save up, move to desired area.
Also things have changed from when you were younger, the childhood won’t be the same as yours.

I understand how you feel. @TheQuietLurker you are enough. Forgive yourself for any failings you think you have. Enjoy what you have.

OP completely get you and it’s ok to feel how you feel. We also grew up in detached and now in a semi. The noise drives me barmy as not used to it - it’s ok to feel how we feel. Then need to try and look at the positives

I sympathise, I would hate to have noisy neighbours, but being brought up with a certain level of background noise might be better for your children in the long run. Noise is an increasing problem in our crowded world and I think it's more of a problem for those of us who didn't get used to it early in life.