Grieving the home/location I imagined for my child

[TheQuietLurker]

I’m hoping for some perspective from others who might have been here.

We’ve recently bought our family home and I’m struggling more than I expected with where we’ve ended up. I grew up in a detached house in a quieter, “nicer” area, and due to finances we’ve had to buy a semi in a less desirable area. I didn’t realise how much this would affect me until we moved in.

I’m finding neighbour noise hard to cope with (door slamming, dogs barking etc) and it’s making me feel on edge. I also feel really sad that we couldn’t buy in my hometown so my daughter could go to the same primary school I did and have better local facilities. I keep comparing and grieving the picture I had in my head.

I feel a lot of guilt that I’m not giving my daughter the quiet, peaceful childhood and home environment I always imagined for her, even though I know we’re lucky to own a home and this gives her stability. Has anyone else felt like this after buying? How did you come to terms with it — and does it get easier with time?

I grew up in a village and much prefer the city life I have now. I think my kids have much better opportunities and quality of life. I was drinking cider in the park at 13 because there was fuck all to do.

On a statistical level, most people currently bringing up young are in a situation where their living standards eg size of home are worse than where they were brought up (individual exceptions, please don’t @ me; your experience of success does not negate the wider trend)

I hope that helps you feel some comfort. You haven’t done anything wrong.

I'be only ever lived in terraced houses, and I would pretty much always choose a terrace over a detached house in the same price range, but my home that I brought my children up in (great school catchment, great location but a 2 bedroom ex-council house) is far less impressive than the one I grew up in (5 bedrooms, moderately famous neighbours). But I love my house, and it's where my children grew up and we have so many good memories, and the most important thing is that they really like where they are growing up, and for them, the house we live in is the sort of home that makes for a happy childhood.

I grew up on a street with relatively small houses, some flats, LOADS of families with kids and a park with a playground close by. Absolutely loved it. Loved having so many neighbours who became friends around. Now I live in a small town with bigger houses and we all keep ourselves to ourselves a lot more. It’s far less fun for the kids, even if it is ‘nicer’.
Local community has a lot to do with happiness, rather than the actual house.

I find constant neighbour noise hard to manage, so I understand where you are coming from there. I lived in a variety of flats from 18 to early 30s. You are likely quite sensitive to noise right now presumably being at home lots in the day and with a baby you are trying to get to nap. I doubt the noise you describe will bother a child and will likely be less noticeable to you when your DC is a toddler and more noisy themselves.

A semi is perfectly normal and your DC is unlikely to think badly of it. Many people who do own detached houses don't move there until later on anyway. There are benefits to a smaller semi e.g. lower bills, less to clean. I liked being in a flat when DC was a baby, as it was easier to have them nearby and get jobs done.

There are soundproofing options you can explore if needed. We installed internal insulation for mould but it helps noise (somewhat) too.

I felt a bit like this when I left ExH and moved into a damp terrace with bits of plaster coming off the walls and where I had to sleep in the lounge because there weren’t enough bedrooms (and they had to walk to school uphill both ways, etc. etc.) My point is that the DDs loved that house because we were happy there, that’s what matters to kids.

It’s difficult for many of us to replicate our own upbringings. Times have changed, costs seem higher, we tend to spend disposable income on things our parents didn’t eg mobile phones, internet, devices, coffees out etc… Property prices seem to have risen disproportionately compared to average earnings. Life has changed. Children don’t think about properties or possessions like adults do. They really just want a safe, loving home and quality time with their family. They won’t really mind where it is or how big it is if it’s with the people they love and who love them.

It never occurred to me that I was failing my child by living in a semi in a normal road

but moving backwards is always hard even if it’s tiny changes

There is going to be A LOT in life that is a) beyond your control and b) not what you would have liked.

I would try to adjust your mindset to one that is more flexible, otherwise you're going to be in for a very disappointing life. Ill health? Marital issues? Problems at school? Loss of a job? Loss of a parent? Menopause?

There is no one way to live that is perfect. Your life will be what you make of it (sorry, a cliché, but very true). If you're determined to carry on being miserable for living at a level that is aspirational for many, that's a choice you're making.

@TheQuietLurker you are going to get a lot of people coming on here saying how very dare you bemoan your situation!

I get it.. I live in a smaller home than the one I was raised in. Simple fact of the matter is it costs more to buy a property as a proportion of salary today than it did yesterday.

I too struggled with a sense that I hadn’t been able to achieve what my parents achieved
for me (despite being successful in a career). I think it’s only natural to want to ‘better’ our position.

I have just focused on making my home a secure and comfortable place for my children to retreat to. They love it and over time, I do too.

As for the neighbour noise… if you have the money to invest in inner wall soundproofing it really does make a difference. Good luck!

I get it OP.
Some other people are very unkind.
I had similar feelings about the childhood I’m providing for my kids, which is different to my own.
ChatGPT was good for reframing my thoughts. For example, instead of my kids being able to play outside in a large garden, we live walking distance to a large park.
Yes you’re still luckier than 99% people on the planet blah blah blah…but, it’s normal to want what you had growing up and for it to be difficult to accept worse, especially when the relative work you do is greater than the work your parents did (my mum didn’t work, I have a professional job that most men support families on, AND any husband has a better job, AND I still can’t afford the lifestyle of my childhood).
But reframing things did help

I think a lot of what you are feeling is from not recognising the effort your parents made to give you the lifestyle you had. On moving out it is a big shock to realise you cannot afford what seemed to be provided so easily in your childhood.

You have a property. People buy a starter property and then move up the housing ladder as their careers and income progress.

I sort of understand this and it used to bother me more in my 30s than my 50s. Now I’m proud of what we have. I grew up in a house that is twice the value of my house. Both professional workers but still couldn’t afford the lifestyle/house my parents had (one professional wage and one admin wage). I’m not bothered anymore, there’s more to life than houses etc My priorities and outlook have completely changed since having my severely disabled DS. Enjoy what you have, comparison being the thief of joy and all that!

OP, you are (of course) absolutely entitled to express yourself and use the word ‘grief’ to explain what you are feeling. I can completely understand what you are describing. I’m sorry this is making you feel a bit blue - I can totally imagine why.

I haven’t got masses to say in the way of consolation except:

1. It’s good that you can afford where you are. It would be arguably worse if you had pushed yourself to buy a better house in the better area and found yourself in over your head with the finances
2. Your daughter doesn’t know any different. If you are happy - gracious, chipper, grateful and positive to have a home (not a tent in a war zone) then she will take her lead from you
3. You’ll likely get used to it. It’s new at the moment and everything is feeling weird and raw and distressing. Once you settle in you’ll notice the noises less and find things to appreciate about your area.
4. This might not be forever. Something may change in your circumstances.

I wish you and your family well x

I do know what you mean. We have great house, similar price wise to one i grew up in, but in a city so is mid terrace with small garden.

I sometimes feel guilty (or regret) that my kids dont have same big house and big garden I had, but know my kids love the freedom of living in a city where their mates live close by. So swings n roundabouts I guess...

I once babysat for a woman who told me how guilty she feels that she can't provide her children with the sort of childhood she had. I looked around her spacious, beautiful detached home in her gorgeous leafy very safe neighbourhood and wondered what she meant. She told me she had grown up surrounded by fields, had her own horse in the family stables.

It's a question of degree, OP. You have a semi which implies OSP, a garden, a bit more sunlight and space than in a flat or terrace. (When I first moved to a semi from a lifetime of terraced houses, I couldn't believe how much more daylight there is on the street and in the houses.) Make a list of all the things you do appreciate. And unless neighbours are actively antisocial, don't worry about the noise. I grew up in a terrace and actually enjoyed the noise of life all around - the barking dogs next door on one side, the middle aged man practising his trumpet on the other side, piano scales from the piano teacher opposite. Signs of life.

Assuming you have a partner, you could also reflect on why your assumption/vision has been replicating your own childhood and live in your home village.
They.are your child's parent too - what if they wanted to replicate their childhood and live in their home area?

Forming a new family means things will be different from in your "old" family.
Different isn't bad.

I think its natural to want to give your child what you had and more. To make life better for them than you had it, in whatever way you can.

My house is smaller than the one I grew up in and I do feel bad about that because mine dont have the same space that I had growing up. BUT times change, life in the 2020's is different to life in the 1990s. Give a lot of people are stuck in a perpetual cycle of renting, im grateful that I have what I do, even if it is smaller than I'd like.

Parental guilt is awful!

Op, it’s understandable to be emotional and hormonal 4 months postpartum. Having a new baby definitely brings up thoughts of mortality and gives new perspectives on our own childhoods.

The good news is it’s not forever and you may be able to move to a different house/area one day. The ‘bad news’ is it’s not forever and one day you will find yourself looking back fondly at all the happy memories you made with your DD in your first house.

FWIW I live in a 1900s terrace and I don’t hear anything on either side, so that is something to consider in future; you might be able to afford a nicer area in a terrace. They often have a lot of character and decent sized gardens.

Congratulations on your baby and home.

Haha! My kids are getting exactly the same upbringing I had - we live on the same street. 😅

But saying that, I just always assumed I’d have a little house in a field somewhere and cannot believe I haven’t been able to somehow make that happen.

(I also have no issue with the use of “grief” here, for what it’s worth.)

Your understanding of the word is perfectly correct. You are entitled to grieve a life lived differently from your homes and dreams.

Some people on here just think you can't be sad about different things at different times in different ways. Those people ae inconsiderate and wrong. And don't understand how language works.

You and your family will be fine.

I grew up in the country surrounded by a load of fields. My kids are growing up in a fairly rough urban area with lots of houses close together and good communal facilities. We live near an affluent area with very expensive houses set in big gardens.

My kids are certainly having a happier and more interesting childhood than I had and tbh I think they're having a happier childhood than many of the children in the more affluent area who don't have any local playgrounds, seem to spend their lives being ferried around places and seem to have a load of stress imposed on them by their parents regarding schools and tutors and stuff.

I absolutely get what you mean OP and it is a feeling of grief to lose a dream you had. I bought my first house last year after 20 years of renting and feel similar to you. It was our goal for so long I thought I'd feel a sense of completion just by being in my own home but I don't we all feel a loss. We could only afford a tiny terrace in a northern city. I grew up down south in the countryside near the beach and I'd pictured my children growing up with family around them going to the beach at the weekends. Our rental was bigger so now my DC have to share a room and they hate it. But gradually we're growing into it. I think you have to consciously choose to make a new dream and be grateful for reality. But I understand what you mean, I imagined my DC would have a better childhood than me and they honestly don't.

It doesn't have to be a "forever" home, it can be an " ok for now" home.

Due to rising housing costs over the decades (compared to wage inflation), this is becoming increasingly common OP. I can see it's disappointing, but does it help to know that many of us are in the same situation?