Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think my grown-up sister is being a spoilt child!

74 replies

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 22:34

My sister is in her early 20s and it's become apparent, at a series of family occasions and meet-ups over the past year, that she is very very jealous of DS, her 11 month nephew. Specifically jealous of how my parents have just loved him since birth, are really keen to spend time with him, talk about him all the time. She was the baby of the family before, but I would have thought at her age this is a bit silly. Its become a real issue - when I was pregnant she kept saying she was "bored of the baby chat", she stormed out in tears from our last Sunday lunch at a restaurant and prior to that, the last family gathering at home at Easter, was crying and tantruming all weekend. At first I was inclined to think it a bit funny, and I thought it would pass. But now its getting a bit serious and I really don't know what to do. I want to shake her and tell her she's being ridicuous and that she is our parents child, and a grandchild will never take her place, but please to enjoy her nephew...

OP posts:

Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 22:37

hmmm the problem with this scenario is that you are assuming that your ds is the reason for her behaviour without substantiated proof, there could be a multitude of reasons as to why she is behaving in this way.

edam · 11/06/2008 22:37

Oh heavens, I don't think there is much you can do with someone who is so self-centred. Apart from hope that eventually she will start acting her age, not her shoe size. (Assuming you are being fair, and haven't actually got your parents to cut her out of their wills in favour of your boy or anything!)

pinkyp · 11/06/2008 22:38

this is a tough one. Maybe she feels a bit left out - perhaps encorage ur parents to talk about how good she is with ds, same with u (not saying u dont already). This way she'll get the attention she sounds likes she needs through and also she'll be bonding with ds and may feel less resentful/left out?

stitch · 11/06/2008 22:46

i think it is your parent who need to shake her. not you.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 11/06/2008 22:49

Does she have a boyfriend? It sounds to me like she is insecure and maybe jealous of you and your life rather than your DS (not that I know anything about your situ obviously).

Niecie · 11/06/2008 22:49

YANBU - she is being silly. It sounds like she wants to be the centre of attention.

Have your parents noticed? Could they have a word with her? Does she still live at home and feels that she has been pushed aside?

Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 22:56

but how do you honestly know that your ds is the reason for her outbursts etc, itbis plausible that something else could cause her to behave in this way.

Quattrocento · 11/06/2008 22:56

The reaction is so unhealthy/extreme that I wonder if there is more to it than you are aware of.

The first thing I thought when I read your post is that there might've been a bitterly regretted abortion or something in there. I know it's a wild extrapolation from the facts given, but i did have a friend who told me that when her sister had a baby she couldn't stop crying because it all came back.

Love2bake · 11/06/2008 22:58

I would just ignore it. Sounds like pandering to her tantrums will not help.

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 22:59

Oh it is ds, I am sure. She says she feels like our parents used to come down to London to see her, and now it's all about DS and that she feels that they just fit her in now (although they do always make sure when they are down to take her, without me or DS, to a nice dinner or lunch). And when she goes home to see them, when me and DS are there, she feels its not "special" for her anymore.

I am really trying to make an effort and have had her over to look after DS and gone out for a bit, and really really praised her to herself and our parents for looking after him, and have had her and her boyfriend over to look after him while me and DH go out for a drink. But it's seeming to me more like things I have read about toddlers having a new sibling than a 20-something old having a new nephew. She is also a little mean about him sometimes, saying he is fat and needs to go on a diet, when is actually a gorgeous chubby happy thing. I think I would take it in my stride more (she has said for many years that I am fat, can't put on make-up properly, need to get some fashion sense, so I used to it), but DH says that what I have lived with for years will be harmful for DS and we should not expose DS to that kind of thing unsupervised, if she will not grow up.

OP posts:

Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 22:59

Quattro I was thinking along the same lines.

Carmenere · 11/06/2008 23:02

I immediately thought that perhaps she has had an abortion, poor girl. Perhaps she needs abit of attention.

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:03

How odd that you should say that, my Mum told me that she had a termination in the Winter, but was really all fine with it, it was very early, she is very young, hasn't been with her bf that long etc etc. She has never spoken to me about it and doesn't know that I know.

OP posts:

greenelizabeth · 11/06/2008 23:06

Perhaps she is actually going through some crisis which she feels unable to bring up with you all. The fact that you're all so wrapped up in the baby that nobody has noticed her crisis is probably what's upsetting her.

Instead of shaking her and telling her she's self-centred, check first. How long is it since you asked her how her life is. Is she happy? Man troubles, work troubles? Can you help? Can you listen??

Unless she is an imbecile there's got to be more to this than an adult woman being jealous of a baby. That is too simplistic.

I know that it is very hard to have a serious or sad conversation and to admit that there is stuff that upsets you when there's a baby gurgling in the corner.

I don't mean to be confrontational here, but I think it's entirely possible that it could be you who is self-centred. As a new mother your (new) baby is the centre of the universe. You think your sister's strange behaviour has to be something to do with your baby.

This new mummy 'high' happens to us all, we get over it, and we look back and cringe with shame that we never asked x,y or z how they coped when they split up with their boyfriend or when they were transfered to a dept they hated.. so on.

Quattrocento · 11/06/2008 23:06

Well why not take the opportunity to sit down with her and talk to her about it? She is obviously not fine about it. It's not an easy thing to deal with

greenelizabeth · 11/06/2008 23:08

Carmenere, I think you must be right. I got a sort of shiver when I read your post.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her sister had a baby after she'd had an abortion and I know it was very hard for her. She didn't tell her family.

Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 23:08

It is quite likely that a strain in relations betwen siblings can transfer into this kind of scenario with resentment being carried through to the next generation.
Don't play down the fact that she seemed fine with her abortion, I honestly think that it has a huge bearing on her relationship with both you asnd your ds.

CarGirl · 11/06/2008 23:09

I cannot imagine how I would feel if I had a termination and then had to watch the rest of my family shower love and devotion on my nephew, I'd be thinking that should be my child receiving that - I've made such a mistake.

ghosty · 11/06/2008 23:09

My DH's sister was a bit like this the first time we spent a chunk of time with her and her mother (a 2 week holiday with MIL when DS was 2). We didn't see her much at all before that so it through me a bit. She got very moody and grumpy and did a fabulous 'drama queen' act one Christmas day that ended in my telling her to grow up (she was 26 at the time).
She had other problems going on (work stress/boyfriend troubles etc) and later I found out that she had had an abortion the previous year so there was more to it.
She is absolutely brilliant now, happily married to the nicest man in the universe (apart from DH of course ) and loves her nephew and niece passionately. Sadly she has lost two babies in the last year (one of them quite a late MC) so it isn't easy for her at all ... but she definitely grew out of the jealousy thing

Carmenere · 11/06/2008 23:10

Perhaps she is pregnant again. Whatever the problem is it is highly unlikely to be jealousy of a new baby but it could be jealousy of you being a mum or terror at being one herself. Be a good big sister to her and talk to her.

Quattrocento · 11/06/2008 23:10

Right BTV, time to stop being resentful of your sister and time to start rallying round.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 11/06/2008 23:12

It's got to be the abortion surely - she may have been fine at the time and then seeing your DS has made her think again about what happened.

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:19

But but but, she was funny even before - when I was pregnant we got together for a lovely Mothers Day lunch for my mum which is when she stropped and said she was "bored of the baby chat" and went for a walk in Green Park by herself. I was 6 months pregnant and hadn't seen my parents since I had said I was pregnant a few months before.

She does have work stress but I honestly have tried to be with her every step of the way with that. She's been in a job she hated and I have sat down and done her CV and sent it out with her and talked her through interview practice, culminating in her recently getting her absolute dream job. The most recent lunch that she stropped at was to celebrate that. Even over that process I have bitten my tongue, for example she has come over to do interview practice and shouted at DS that he is "too too annoying" when he was trying to climb up the computer chair.

I don't know what to do, to be honest. I'm not a PFB mother, really - I just look after DS when we are out, with anyone, not just her, I don't talk about what he's done recently, what he's nearly doing, or any of that. I realise that's boring and if people want to know they'll ask.

OP posts:

plantsitter · 11/06/2008 23:20

I have to admit to feeling a bit similar to your sister when my sister's first baby was born, and that was without an abortion. It is an adjustment because suddenly it really is ALL about the baby, and if there's any sibling resentment there already it exacerbates it. I love love love my nephew and I tried extremely hard not to show my jealousy - actually I was a bit horrified I felt that way as it seemed so childish - but it was a bit difficult seeing everyone utterly lose interest in me and my life. Adjusted in the end by getting on with my own stuff and concentrating on my relationship with my sister and the baby and ignoring my parents! Just wanted to say give her a bit of a break - it is childish behaviour but she's probably finding it really hard.

Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 23:24

BTV she proably reacted like she did (in your first paragraph) because of the abortion, you talking about your up coming birth probably unearthed a whole load of emotions she wasn't prepared for.

I am not trying to excuse your sisters behaviour but surely you can see that it is a possible response to her own circumastances and how your ds' birth has made her reflective of thse.

Flip

1 2 3