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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my grown-up sister is being a spoilt child!

74 replies

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 22:34

My sister is in her early 20s and it's become apparent, at a series of family occasions and meet-ups over the past year, that she is very very jealous of DS, her 11 month nephew. Specifically jealous of how my parents have just loved him since birth, are really keen to spend time with him, talk about him all the time. She was the baby of the family before, but I would have thought at her age this is a bit silly. Its become a real issue - when I was pregnant she kept saying she was "bored of the baby chat", she stormed out in tears from our last Sunday lunch at a restaurant and prior to that, the last family gathering at home at Easter, was crying and tantruming all weekend. At first I was inclined to think it a bit funny, and I thought it would pass. But now its getting a bit serious and I really don't know what to do. I want to shake her and tell her she's being ridicuous and that she is our parents child, and a grandchild will never take her place, but please to enjoy her nephew...

OP posts:

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 12/06/2008 01:06

Am still in two minds about doing the wine and I know about everything thing. Which would obv need her db to be out of the house.

OP posts:

Upwind · 12/06/2008 05:02

She sounds like my sister, who has never had an abortion as far as I am aware. I really don't know how to deal with her these days, always walking on eggshells because she takes offence at any teasing and throws a strop at the smallest thing. I really hope she is not so hyper-sensitive with people outside of her immediate family.

I think it is tough for the youngest in a family - everything they do gets compared or they feel it does. Their big sister always seems to think she knows more about job hunting and babies and relationships... It might simply be that your sister is no longer the baby of the family, and yet does not feel she is a grown up like you?

escape · 12/06/2008 05:22

Big sympathies to BTV, but I am going to add my twopenneth here as i feel strongly about this sort of thing.
i genuinely see any anguish Caused by the abortion and then subsequently seeing parents with new baby that 'should have been yours'. However, and I'm finding it hard to Comprehend anybodys understanding of suh appalling behaviour from a grown woman - she's regulalry throwing strops and tantrums? WHO behaves like this after aged 10 and gets away with it - ??
Does she do this in any other aspet of her life - is it solely with you and DS??

poorbuthappy · 12/06/2008 10:52

I sort of agree with escape here...

Heffagooday · 12/06/2008 11:02

I have to admit that I've felt like this a bit around my sister (I'm the baby of the family). She and I are very close, and I love my niece and nephew to bits. However, it was quite hard at first (sometimes still is) because when we're all together as a family, the children are the sole topic of conversation. I've never thrown tantrums about it, but I did feel left out as if my life wasn't interesting to the family because I didn't have children. I know it's silly and irrational, but it was hard - especially as I desperately wanted children of my own for a long time. It helped to have time with my sister where we had the chance to talk about other things.

It does sound like her behaviour is unreasonable, but I can understand where she's coming from (even without the termination aspect).

Quattrocento · 12/06/2008 11:06

How are you today BTV?

margoandjerry · 12/06/2008 11:11

BTV it can be a bit galling to see a family suddenly pulling together for a gc when they couldn't for a DC iyswim.

Also, you are suddenly the one in the position of power, have brought the family together, brought your parents such joy. She's sad, jealous, angry with herself.

Plus baby talk really can be dreadful when you are the one without a baby.

Not excusing her but I don't think her behaviour is that surprising. All you can do is build your relationship with her sister to sister. Have fun together and hope she will adjust to the new dynamic in the family.

Chequers · 12/06/2008 11:11

Message withdrawn

TheHedgeWitch · 12/06/2008 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

escape · 12/06/2008 11:19

I?m not negating the sisters feelings btw. Yes , it must be a bit rubbish if you are used to being the centre of attention. But she is not a child or even a teenager. She needs to get over herself, and be told so (more diplomatically than that, I agree. but still..)

wannaBe · 12/06/2008 11:27

I am going to buck the trend here and say:

Given that this behavior started before the termination, I don't think it's the termination that has done this. Instead, I think that your sister just isn't maternal, and that she just doesn't have any interest in children. Not everyone is, my sil certainly isn't and i can't ever see her having children of her own. So I think the baby talk really was just boring too her, if you're not interested in babies then listening to other people talking about them can be very wearing.

And then she had a termination. And it is entirely possible that she actually doesn't feel guilt about this - again, while lots of people do, lots of people don't. And this may be why her attitude has changed so much, because while everyone is delighted over your ds, she isn't, and she doesn't feel guilty over having had a termination, and maybe she feels guilty over not feeling guilty, iyswim?

It's just another thought..

cmotdibbler · 12/06/2008 11:35

It must just be soo hard for her - there she is, a very young woman, parents relationship not good, and then her nephew comes along and suddenly her parents pull it together and its all about the baby, and they are suddenly this super loving couple. Add a termination on top of that (when its gone on to work out with the boyfriend), and its a hormonal and emotional mess.

Dh has two older brothers who are a) quite a bit older than him and b) got on with having children a lot earlier. So when we were in our early 20's there were already grandchildren from them. And all we ever heard from his parents was 'ooh and so and sos doing this' and 'we're doing such and such for so and so' etc, and if we went there, the kids were always there - which meant you could never have much of a conversation. And it was annoying - even though at that point we had no intention of having children for a number of years.

Cut her some slack, and try let her have time with your parents alone, not just popping to see her when they are down to see you and DS.

I wouldn't mention the termination, and tbh your mum shouldn't have told you unless your sister had asked her to.

Upwind · 12/06/2008 11:36

Agree with Wannabe and escape

actually, in my early 20s I was in no way maternal and could not imagine having children. I am know my younger sister feels that way now - and baby/pregnancy talk is terribly boring to somebody who has no interest. It still doesn't excuse regular strops and tantrums. Not much does.

ipanemagirl · 12/06/2008 12:47

BTV, I think we too often in life think we have to DO something.

I think you just need to get on with loving your own family and let time sort things out for your sis. Sometimes we are simply powerless to do anything productive but live our lives and wait patiently for time to tell. You can love her without pushing her to talk. I would never have wanted to talk about my mc to someone who just had a lovely baby! Sometimes we just have to step away and let time heal people. What a relief as well, we can just address our own stuff and not try to do more than we can realistically! You must have plenty on your plate as it is.

All the best

BalloonSlayer · 12/06/2008 13:23

I felt a bit like plantsitter did when my sis had her baby. (But not as bad as your sister does).

I am the youngest of 3 and my elder sisters bossed/bullied me in the traditional way, nothing unusual. When my niece got older she would be bossy as little girls are, and I found it incredibly difficult - my sister had, I felt, made a lot of my childhood miserable and now my neice was also ordering me about and I just had to take it because my neice was the centre of everyone's life - the whole family's PFB.

BalloonSlayer · 12/06/2008 13:57

I have just read the thread properly and this bit leapt out at me:

"I am really trying to make an effort and have had her over to look after DS and gone out for a bit, and really really praised her to herself and our parents for looking after him, and have had her and her boyfriend over to look after him "

You seem to think that getting her to babysit is actually doing her a favour? That going out leaving her your child to look after is you "making an effort."

Sorry but it does rather come over as if you think everything should revolve around your DS.

I do think new mums, myself included, really have NO idea how much they expect everyone else to worship the baby to the exclusion of everything else. I have just had my third after a big gap and I cringe when I see myself doing it.

blueshoes · 12/06/2008 14:02

Agree with ipanemagirl, pussinboots and elasticwoman on a 'less is more' approach.

The family dynamic has changed as it inevitably will with the arrival of the first grandchild. She was the centre of attention up till then and just needs to get over herself and adjust to the new dynamic. Her behaviour is childish, but give her the space to be childish - she will eventually realise that it is futile and getting her nowhere.

If and when she herself has a child, the dynamic will change again and her child will be the centre of attention.

There is nothing to resolve. Just need to wait for things to pan out, whilst keep including her in family events and carrying on per normal.

ipanemagirl · 12/06/2008 14:13

And I meant to stress, the most important thing for you is the well being of your child - rather than using someone caring for your child as a way of addressing a perceived need of theirs, the child needs come way before your sisters in this instance I think. And to leave your child with someone so potentially conflicted about him is just not idea.

Best leave the baby only where there is no complexity of motive on either side, simple caring people is what babies need. Her issues need to be addressed in less loaded ways imo!

greenelizabeth · 12/06/2008 20:15

Tell her you know about her abortion. Otherwise it will be like a white elephant sitting in the room for ever.

Your relationship can get better but you probably need to deal with this first.

You're coming from the position of being happy. You REALLY need to cut her some slack. She is obviously not happy, and your happiness with your new son HEIGHTENS her pain.

Just because she hasn't told you doesn't mean that she doesn't need you to know.

You're the happy one. You're the elder daughter. Be mature, be gracious,

So much advice has been givin to you hear and you're still coming back with "yeah but......."

Talk to her and tell her that you feel her pain and that you wish she hadn't had to go through his, and that you're so upset that your happiness has inadvertently caused her pain. Tell her you can't wait for the day when your children can play together, in the future. And MEAN it.

When your sister knows that you're incapable of feeling others' pain, I'm sure things will Get a LOT better.

greenelizabeth · 12/06/2008 20:18

Escape and Poorbuthappy

I'd guess that the tantrums and strops are because her own family haven't even noticed her deep distress.

Twelvelegs · 12/06/2008 20:20

I've only read the OP but I'd say she's more jealous of you than your DS.

bigfatuglybitch · 12/06/2008 22:15

I have thought about this today, and I wonder if she has a lot of friends? if not then maybe what she really wants is you and her to be good friends and she is actually playing up as she is missing YOUR attention. If that is the case, then go over there with the bottle of wine, kick her bf out and spend some time on her.

Upwind · 13/06/2008 06:13

I think you need to leave your DS with your DH and get her to go on a night out with you. That way you have a chance to clear the air, and in vino veritas. I wouldn't let on that you know about the abortion.

margoandjerry · 13/06/2008 10:58

agree with balloonslayer.

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