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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my grown-up sister is being a spoilt child!

74 replies

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 22:34

My sister is in her early 20s and it's become apparent, at a series of family occasions and meet-ups over the past year, that she is very very jealous of DS, her 11 month nephew. Specifically jealous of how my parents have just loved him since birth, are really keen to spend time with him, talk about him all the time. She was the baby of the family before, but I would have thought at her age this is a bit silly. Its become a real issue - when I was pregnant she kept saying she was "bored of the baby chat", she stormed out in tears from our last Sunday lunch at a restaurant and prior to that, the last family gathering at home at Easter, was crying and tantruming all weekend. At first I was inclined to think it a bit funny, and I thought it would pass. But now its getting a bit serious and I really don't know what to do. I want to shake her and tell her she's being ridicuous and that she is our parents child, and a grandchild will never take her place, but please to enjoy her nephew...

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Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:25

I don't know what else to do to be a good big sister, Carmenere and Quattrocento. Putting aside the fact that I feel hurt that she didn't tell me about her termination (which I understand completely, of course, but can't help feeling hurt at), I can't talk to her about it at all because as far as she is concerned I don't know about it. And I feel I've done loads with her job search. She has a lovely lovely boyfriend who just loves DS and I am very kind to him (its not hard, he is so sweet). I don't know what else to do. She is very much a closed door and a keep everything to herself type person, until she strops or storms off or cries, and even then it takes days for her to give a clue why, and even then, she doesn't want to talk.

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Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:26

No no, DS was already 4 or 5 months old when she had a termination.

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Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 23:29

ahh i see. BTV I don't envy your position at all, your sister sounds like she has issues that you can't possibly address with her which must be very difficult indeed. Obviously you don't want her negative attitude to impact no your ds, maybe your mum could have a word? Good Luck

Carmenere · 11/06/2008 23:29

You ditch the baby for an evening, you tell her you are coming over with a bottle of wine and you TALK to her about wtf is up with her. You talk to her about her feelings. Oh and just tell her that your mum told you about the bloody termination, ask her is she ok with it, ask her if your ds is stirring up unresolved feelings.

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:30

Plantsitter, that was a really helpful post. Thank you

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Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:35

Carmenere - that is, I think, the plan that's been hovering over the edge of my thoughts and the only way through this. Maybe she will tell me she doesn't want to see me tho? Her bf has moved in now. Also, the other thing I am hesitant about is saying that I know about the termination, which I am umming and ahhing about. I don't want my Mum to take any flak.

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greenelizabeth · 11/06/2008 23:35

Oh so she DID have a termination?! I feel really sorry for her. She probably knows she's behaving badly but can't stop.

I agree with Carmenere. Tell her that your mum told you and tell her you're upset for her.

ipanemagirl · 11/06/2008 23:35

I feel sorry for her, a termination can be hugely traumatic however early and at whatever age. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the pr you've heard "apparently she's fine with it" is true at all.
She may well have feel differently but be hiding it. She may well envy him/you too. She is clearly suffering. You're very lucky, maybe you could cut her some slack until she adjusts?

My bil has always been a little bit odd with our ds. I've always suspected some jealousy there of his parents devotion to ds. But he's kept up appearances but has been cool overall to ds. That's really hurt my feelings but I can't make him care. I think it's because he's desperate for his own added to his resentment at his parents devotion to ds. It's complicated isn't it?

I resent my s's youngest daughter in some ways. Ever since she was born most of my m's attention goes to her and less to my ds. She lives nearby but still it hurts. It's a complicated business sibling rivalry!

ipanemagirl · 11/06/2008 23:37

Also, I wouldn't necessarily ask her to care for him, she has some conflict so why put your son in the middle of that if you can avoid it? It may be one of those situations where only time and patience will sort it out. Good luck anyway I do empathise.

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:38

Quadrophenia, my poor mum in all of this is pulled so many different ways. I've suggested she has a word but we talked about it and thought it might make things worse. Another thing my sister does when my Mum is in London (and sometimes looking after DS, on her own), is call my Mum with some "emergency", saying she needs to see her right away. And my Mum treks across London with DS and its a nothing thing. I think she does it to see if my Mum will still go. Oh I feel I've opened a can of worms in my own head now..

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Carmenere · 11/06/2008 23:38

If you are in your early 20's and you have told your mum that you have had a termination you are hardly going to tell her anything other than you were totally fine with it. She is obviously not fine about it, reach out to her.

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:40

Ipanemagirl, I really thought that would help! She has issues with people not thinking she's grown-up and people not trusting her, and I thought that was the biggest faith I could show in her, to leave her with DS.

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Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:43

Agreed, Carmenere. She is in a very loving relationship with the bf with whom she went through it all, but I do feel like my mum kind of ceded the looking after her part of it to him (obv my dad doesnt know), so maybe she had no-one real to talk to (what with putting on a gf face etc)

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Quattrocento · 11/06/2008 23:44

BTV I understand what you are saying about the timings and I am not suggesting that her reaction is solely about her abortion. Plantsitter's post is helpful to show the sister's point of view. While you are reaching out to your sister (with a couple of bottles of wine) I'd take the opportunity to tell her about your feelings too. Talk them through.

Elasticwoman · 11/06/2008 23:45

BTV - contrary to advice given by others, I wonder whether it really would be a good idea to let your sis know you are aware she had an abortion. If she wanted you to know, she would have told you. She may feel angry and humiliated if you let on that you know.

Might it not be better just to leave the way open for her to decide to tell you, by listening to her? She may want to allude to it in a roundabout way or pretend it's something that happened to a 3rd person. Or she might just not want to talk about it at all.

Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 23:47

I think Carmenere is absolutely right, you have to reach out to her, the behaviour she is displaying isn't born out of dislike of your ds but an inability to deal with her own emotions, she needs help with this. I feel for all of you and yews |i can see why your mum may be in a difficult position but she clearly needs some help to move on and if you don't reach out who's to say anyone will, sincerely good luck

Quadrophenia · 11/06/2008 23:48

Yep you can reach ou without telling her you know, that is a judgement call only you can make

pussinbootswithclaws · 11/06/2008 23:55

BTV - you are honestly in a terrible position and I feel for you. Please don't blame yourself for anything that your sister is doing or going through.

I think the trying to get her to talk may be a good idea but be careful not to push it to hard.

I'm not one for putting my feeling out there in RL (will talk about anything on here though ) and get quite flustered and angry if I feel someone is pushing me to talk about something I'm not ready to address. Give her an obvious (i.e. spell it out) opportunity to talk to you but if she doesn't open up don't push to hard

I also agree with Elasticwoman, be careful about letting on that you know about the termination as she see it as a perceived sign of her mum 'betraying her' (extreme I know).

Some people still have quite a bit of maturing in to do in the early twenties so she could need time to become more comfortable in her own skin.

Whatever happens, good luck.

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 11/06/2008 23:56

The thing I feel saddest about to be honest is that my parents have really come into their own as grandparents. They row a lot, and have always done, and so I am so so happy to see them come alive with DS, and love him together and just really enjoy being grandparents. I am so sad that this would come at the price of my sister's happiness, and that's what I don't get tbh. We've wanted them to be happy together for so long, and to get along, and now they are and they do, but it feels like she resents it.

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ipanemagirl · 12/06/2008 00:05

Bewarethevoices, I think you obviously did if for the best possible motives!

I don't mean to be intrusive, what I say is based on my own experience. As an elder sister I have over the years tried to manipulate my sisters over various things, particularly my younger sister. I've learnt now I have to stop trying to control events. Some anguish just has to work itself out and siblings have to just lovingly be supportive if they can.

Re her caring for your ds, I just wouldn't do it myself. He's too precious to put him into an even slightly hostile atmosphere, she can work her stuff out over time and get close to him when she's ready.

Sorry to be presumptious! I feel like I'm talking about my younger sis.

bigfatuglybitch · 12/06/2008 00:10

She is depressed for sure, but that is not an excuse not to behave like an adult. Do you think she might need A/D?
It is hard when you look at your sister and realise she is not the person you thought she was.

TotalChaos · 12/06/2008 00:11

bewarethevoices - but of course she will resent it, if she feels that she wasn't important enough for them to get their act together regarding rowing etc, that it's only when the grandchild comes along that they suddenly become the dream parents.

Countingthegreyhairs · 12/06/2008 00:15

Maybe she is (sub-consciously) angry with your parents that they couldn't resolve their differences when SHE was small ...(just a thought!) plus the abortion plus
what Plantsitter said.

I have a close relationship with my sisters and I remember feeling not exactly jealous when one of them had a child, but sad about the fact that we no longer had time to talk or go out etc (which amounts to the same thing really!). (Immature I know!)

Sounds to me like you are a really close family - perhaps a central issue is that your sister is really missing you?

Countingthegreyhairs · 12/06/2008 00:15

... despite all your efforts to include her in things (I should have said!)

Original poster

BewareTheVoices · 12/06/2008 00:44

You are all very lovely people to talk to (type things at) and I thank you very much for your thoughts and suggestions. I have lots to mull over.

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