To be worried about cost vs fairness for DC2 education

[PleaseFoxOff]

I have been fretting about the current and future implications of our choices for DCs education.

SEN DC2 (13) has been in a specialist private school for 2 years, and is absolutely thriving compared to how he was in state primary. It's expensive, but we can just about afford it.

DC2 is in Y5. We simply can't afford to spend a similar amount on his schooling without making significant lifestyle changes and/or borrowing.

I am so worried about potential for future resentment from DC2 that he was treated unfairly, to the point where I am leaning towards the painful financial option, but DP disagrees and thinks he will be fine with the local comp and he doesn't "need" the private like DC1 does.

I am conscious that we are in a privileged position to even have this as a stretch option. But I keep going through the "what if" scenarios in my head.

YABU - you can't afford it, spend where it's most needed
YANBU - we should take the financial pain and invest in both DCs' educations

Fairness is not about cost. Your non-SEN child already has many advantages that the SEN-child doesn’t. All you are doing is evening up the playing field a bit. What’s more important than the money is making sure both kids get your time and attention .

Remember that stretching to afford private for both also means forgoing other opportunities that might benefit your second child. You also will not be in as good of a position to help him with university costs or other expenses of transitioning to adulthood.

It was many, many years ago now, but my parents scrimped, saved and worked extra hours etc to send my elder brother (undiagnosed issues, but clearly not neuro-typical) to a private school. It didn't really work out, and he left with poor qualifications, and his issues persist (he's a pensioner now, btw, this was so long ago).
I went to state school, and personally I was fine, and thrived well in that system,despite some (lesser) issues myself (I'm probably not neuro-typical either, but it's been an asset rather than a burden).
Even as a kid I could recognise what my parents were trying to do (make a level playing field), and I've never resented them for it. They did what they thought was best, and worked bloody hard to try to do their best for my brother, who needed a lot of extra support.

Startlooking into a plan if it turns out DC2 isn't "fine"... or just to extend them. Tutoring, extra curricular, extra opportunities etc.

It’s not something I would feel comfortable with as you don’t know how it will play out. If the dc who goes to state ends up fine then it’s fine but there is often resentment which i’ve seen in real life if they end up in different places if that makes sense.

Depends really - how bad is his SEN - is he likely to be able to lead a full adult life - get a job etc? is this investment in private schooling actually going to be worth it in adulthood?

You do what is right for each child. There is no such thing as an objectively "better" school..it's about the fit. Your younger child may be absolutely fine at the comp, or fine for KS3 but then move across for GCSEs. Fair does not mean identical.

That's such a one dimensional way of thinking. My SEN son came out of private with some but not many qualifications. In paper you could say it wasn't "worth it" but he had a good, safe place where he wasn't getting his head kicked in every other week as was happening at the local school. It's not just about the ultimate grades.

Whilst I agree ‘fair’ doesn’t always mean ‘equal’, in this case I think sending one to a private school vs State is too big a disparity to justify under this argument. It isn’t just the benefits that a private school can have for SEN children, but the friends he will be exposed too, the role models (from teachers to elder brothers and sisters of other students), and the opportunities. These are day-to-day small things that have measurable impact on your child’s personality, the thinking they are exposed to, and then the life choices they will then make. These will have a far greater impact than cost cutting measures, like an annual family holiday overseas vs in the UK.

If it was a tutor for one child and not another, or tennis lessons for a talented child and not another (or vice versa), I’d say fine, as that is a smaller thing. But I think the difference in schools is too big a difference to justify.

Depends what the lifestyle sacrifices are. Surely most people have to make lifestyle sacrifices to afford private unless they are super rich?

If it’s missing out on holidays etc then I’d go for it and also send him to private school. If you mean moving into a horrible area, working 24/7 and not having a car then not worth it.

This.

i don’t think there is any point reading beyond the first reply

But you’re forgetting this is a private specialist school for what is clearly SEN need.

its not like he’s a talented rugby player so we’re sending him to rugby school etc.

@SpringSunSurfDaisies I've taught in both sectors. You absolutely can have brilliant role models and all the rest that you describe in the right state school. It is not a given that private is always better.

We sent DS to private school as we were advised that was what he needed. At the other end, we paid for DDs MA studies. She has never shown any signed of resentment

But it is an sen school. Why would you send ds2 there?

You can still spend and extend a state school child with school trips, other educational trips like City visits, tutoring, lots of extracurricular activities. In fact, that is what a lot of people now do to provide a rounded education. Just because state schools can be underfunded, does not mean you cannot top up yourself if and where required. It is always cheaper that way than sending to a private school, which has become an unaffordable luxury for the few.

So I would think more about opportunities and stretch you can offer DC2 as private school sounds unaffordable. We are in a wider family with plenty of kids in public schools (eg first and second cousins) and all of mine went to state schools. I really cannot see the difference further down the line, at uni level etc. Kids are defined by their economic circumstances, family home environment, own academic potential etc far more than the type of school they attend. If a child has an unmet SEND need in state, of course it is worth paying if that need is then met and as there is real added value. For most kids mainstream state school is fine. It may not always be perfect, but as long as it is fine and not traumatising etc go with that. If you overstretch you may end up having to take both DC out.

I don’t disagree with your post, but the OP hasn’t said that the State school is the ‘right’ State school, or that her DC2 is doing well there or that they are supplementing him with any extra activities or attention. In the absence of that info, I’ve answered as if it is an average school, and indeed one that their elder DC suffered at (albeit, possibly for SEN issues). In light of that, my opinion still stands.

One thing I would never do is scrip to send a child to private school.

What could you do with your DC 2 for the amount you would have to spend to get him in to a private school. Music lesson, riding lessons a hobby.

Will your SEN child go to uni? After they have left the school you will then have more money to support DC 2.

Fairness isn't about treating everyone the same way.

If its an sen specialism I think its fine to spend on one, not the other. The state makes this decision all the time because they pay for whats needed rather than wanted. One of my sons is at a private special school and the state pays for it, the other is at the local mainstream.

If by specialist you mean sports or music etc but the smaller classes and timetable meet your child's needs better than mainstream, I think its less clear cut. But still possible to say if they second child doesnt have those needs, then its ok.

I’m not sure if you are the OP under a different name or not (your second paragraph reads that way, but obviously, it’s a different name), but the OP just says ‘specialist private school’ - it’s not entirely clear the ‘specialist’ is SEN related, meaning that only SEN children can attend there and the OP’s second child would not be eligible to attend. I answered on the basis the school just had greater provision/assistance for SEN children, but that other children could also attend.

This may change my answer - for example, if the child was hearing impaired, had cochlear implants and the school was aimed at children solely with those issues, then yes, that may just be ‘leveling up the playing field’. But I still think that the peer group, role models, teaching, discipline etc in private schools helps to ‘safe guard’ children, meaning they make better choices in life, simply because they only have good choice to pick from. In public schools, they certainly can make good choices, but they are often exposed equally with good choices to more bad choices, negative role models and behaviours, and as a parents, it helps immeasurably in those teenage years if the choices or ways to rebel they have are limited.

I’ve seen kids who couldn’t make a bad choice - all the choices before them were good, very good or excellent. It didn’t matter what they chose, as each option was ultimately fine. But I’ve also seen kids who had bad, good and excellent choices before them. And kids being kids, they sometimes chose the worst choice - it helps if that choice is never a bad one. Schools and the people kids associate with are usually the thing that open up the choices.

This. Your SEN child is operating from a position of great disadvantage. you have, rightly, taken the steps needed to level the playing field. If DC2 does not have SEN/some reason that they need to boost - it's not 'unfair' to send them state.

What you need to focus on is finding the right school for the child. Depending on your location, this may involve visiting a lot of schools and really getting in to the weeds of what they offer, to make sure it matched the child.

It’ll be too stressful if you can’t afford it and that will impact you all.

Send the other dc to state and bump up some hobbies.

I'd be uncomfortable with the disparity.

Siblings of children with SEN often miss out on many things and are expected to calmly take a backseat because life is so much easier for them.
That's often unavoidable.

But the cost difference is something that can be seen and measured and just add into the feeling siblings can get of being the less important one.

That's not saying it is the wrong decision, simply that it does need to be taken into consideration, and being able to talk it through with the younger one if they ask why they can't go to the same school.

The children have different needs

Private isn't always better

Paying school fees isn't just a question of whether you can afford it now. My children attended state schools. We have no mortgage and will be able to assist with deposits for a house. My sister's children attended private school. She still has a mortgage and may struggle to assist children with a deposit

I think it’s too bigger discrepancy in household resources going to one child over the other. Fair doesn’t always mean equal, but this is a massive difference.