To be worried about cost vs fairness for DC2 education

[PleaseFoxOff]

I have been fretting about the current and future implications of our choices for DCs education.

SEN DC2 (13) has been in a specialist private school for 2 years, and is absolutely thriving compared to how he was in state primary. It's expensive, but we can just about afford it.

DC2 is in Y5. We simply can't afford to spend a similar amount on his schooling without making significant lifestyle changes and/or borrowing.

I am so worried about potential for future resentment from DC2 that he was treated unfairly, to the point where I am leaning towards the painful financial option, but DP disagrees and thinks he will be fine with the local comp and he doesn't "need" the private like DC1 does.

I am conscious that we are in a privileged position to even have this as a stretch option. But I keep going through the "what if" scenarios in my head.

YABU - you can't afford it, spend where it's most needed
YANBU - we should take the financial pain and invest in both DCs' educations

I have DDAudhd and her private school was amazing….for her.

The things your DC need out of educational institutions are different.

If DD had been NT I would have sent her to the local comp.

My neighbour went to the local comp, her sister to the same school my DD was at. There is no resentment.

And sometimes OP treating everyone the same is the most unfair thing you can do.

im not, no

the op clearly states its a SEN school

Agree with this. We have one very academic child who we will send to private secondary. We don’t know yet if second child is academic (too young) but are making sure we can afford same for them as otherwise it wouldn’t be fair.
sure most kids are “fine” at the local comp but it’s not giving them the same opportunities let’s be honest here.

On another note I’m a teacher. Secondary.

this picture you paint of private education is FAR from the reality in my experience.

I think it needs a lot of factors taking into account. Is your local state good/excellent/decent or a bit rubbish. Are the sacrifices extravagant holidays or holidays in general? If you did send your DC2 to private is it the same school as DC1 or would it be a different private school. Where does your DC2 want to go to school? My 2 oldest are in private now but either would have been ok going to the state school most of their y6 primary friends went to when the move from primary to senior happened.

I’m a secondary teacher as well.

I stand by my views, and respect the experience that has given you yours.

What kind of private school? The only one nearby seen locally as very fancy? Or one which is seen as a SEN school? What would the differences in school trip and after school activities be like?
A "fancy" school suitable just by lower class numbers and a more selective intake is more likely to cause resentment than a private "sen" type school.

What is the nature of the SEN?

Five years at private school costs over £100,000: spending that on DC1 will be a huge disparity. I wouldn’t do that.

moving DC1 for year 10 is feasible (though not ideal) - lots of DC where I am have moved to state for year 10 due to VAT, cost of living etc.

What’s the state school like op?

Equal doesn’t mean identical. And so I would be at peace with your decision knowing that the specialist SEN provided vision is necessary for your son. There will be other opportunities for your other son. Save your money.

We’re in this situation a bit further along. My eldest is in year 10, is autistic and is thriving at a really small, nurturing independent school. Her younger brother has just started year 7 and is at our nearest state school. DS was adamant that he wanted to stay with his friends and stay close to home - we tried putting him through the 11+ but his heart wasn’t in it as he didn’t want go to the grammar school. He refused to go to the private school open days (for the same reason). I think however he’s now starting to understand - as he complains about supply teachers, and poor behaviour. He’s doing well at the moment and is happy with his friendship groups but we’re keeping an eye on it and keeping an open mind... Affording private school with vat and fee increases would be very difficult though and we didn’t see that coming - fees at DD’s school have gone from £13k when she started to £21k in just a few years. I think whatever you do, your youngest has to be involved in the decision, and it depends so much on what the state and private options are near you.

Agree with this, but also the poster who said what exact sacrifice will you have to make?
if it’s just not fancy holidays/hobbies for you and dc or the latest tech, why wouldn’t you?
could you honestly say to dc2, well you could also have went to a much better school, but I didn’t want to give up our holidays.
while it gives dc1 much more settled education, don’t forget about dc2 as a person in his own right- look at sources where they talk about the “glass child”.

I wouldn’t sacrifice holidays - my best memories as a child are the holidays we took as a family. When everyone is relaxed etc and really chats and bonds. I think it depends on what you value. I make sure our holidays are really culturally enriching. Several of our local private schools are all glitz and gloss and no substance, not all of course, but with every school you have to pick carefully. I have close friends who teach in both sectors.

What I would say children’s mental health and happiness are extremely important. If they can be happy in their local state school then all is good. If they aren’t, then that is another matter.
A family stressed out about private school fees is not a flourishing family either.

I agree with people who are saying can you talk to your non-disabled DC about the implications of sending him to private school on your family finances and the things he'd maybe miss out on? It's not wrong to treat your kids differently, and in a sense the private school is like medical care your child might need. You wouldn't refuse to buy a child a good wheelchair because their siblings didn't need one. In a sense the private school is adaptive equipment your disabled child needs to give them opportunities their brother would get naturally - I can see why it's hard though.

If your other child has resentment because you had to pay for private education for their sibling with SEN due to a failure of the state system to provide, you aren’t raising them right. Teach them about fairness and equity.

OP hasn’t said her DC is disabled.

SEN and ‘specialist school’ could mean very different things.

Can you budget to compensate for any deficiencies in his state education by spending on clubs for sports and tutors for subjects where he’s struggling or even just as add ons to school provision to ensure he achieves at a high level? The last is what many Chinese and other immigrant families do as routine - regular additional tuition from first year of secondary school.

More cost effective and you can rightly justify this ( provided state school is ok) by saying state education makes it easier to get into many universities, apprenticeships and civil service.

I completely understand your conflict! We are facing the same with scholarships for eldest and no guarantee younger siblings will be offered anything in the years to come.

I would say it’s ok, but to temper future resentment, invest in your second child in other ways. Are they serious about a sport or instrument? Could you sign them up to intensive holiday courses or facilitate extra lessons/practices? Be prepared to invest in tutoring to ensure they have similar exam outcomes as at the private school. If your eldest gets opportunities for fantastic trips that the local just doesn’t offer, skip them.

My daughter went to private school and my son went to state.

Dd got a % bursary to a performing arts school and then at 6th form got a government Dance & Drama Award.

Admittedly we tried our son at a private school but it wasn’t right for him. They were not prepared to accommodate his reasonable adjustments so we moved him to state.

neither have ever been resentful.

For those not versed in SEN parenting- special school/specialist schools means SEN school. It's just not comparable to regular private schools. The other dc is far more advantaged being at a state school and not having SEN

OP - can your DC's school not be paid for by an EHCP? I dont think I have ever heard of parents paying for SS beyond the first year or so?

It’s not feasible to ‘invest’ £100,000 in other DC and DC will work out the disparity in treatment. Agree that fair doesn’t have to be the same, but disability aside £100,000 difference is hard to justify IMO.

If a DC gets a scholarships for a big discount on fees (unusual) then the monetary difference will be smaller. If however the discount means parents spending, say £80,000 instead of £100,000, it’s unfair to spend that much more on one DC IMO.

As a parent you have to do what's best for each child within your means - for many families that means one kid in the private sector and one not.

DC2 may never think anything of it, or they might, but you just have to explain your logic and then they can make of it what they want.

It's not sensible for you to put yourself in penury to give DC2 a private eduction that isn't vital.

This is just silly.,

Kids have different needs, if one child has mainstream needs that can be served in the state sector and one can only get what they need in the private sector, then that's life.,

What do you expect the OP to do - take their SN child out of their special school and let them sink in the comp, or bankrupt the family by paying a second set of school fees the younger one doesn't need?

DC1 is at that school as they have a disability, not through some kind of preferential treatment. I doubt DC2 would be jealous of that.

You’re gonna have to leave even this up at some stage, I always joke that my son was Ivf so he’s getting six grand less inheritance than the daughter.
But in the reality, some of them are spending their inheritance in advance. And that will be reflected