To be worried about cost vs fairness for DC2 education

[PleaseFoxOff]

I have been fretting about the current and future implications of our choices for DCs education.

SEN DC2 (13) has been in a specialist private school for 2 years, and is absolutely thriving compared to how he was in state primary. It's expensive, but we can just about afford it.

DC2 is in Y5. We simply can't afford to spend a similar amount on his schooling without making significant lifestyle changes and/or borrowing.

I am so worried about potential for future resentment from DC2 that he was treated unfairly, to the point where I am leaning towards the painful financial option, but DP disagrees and thinks he will be fine with the local comp and he doesn't "need" the private like DC1 does.

I am conscious that we are in a privileged position to even have this as a stretch option. But I keep going through the "what if" scenarios in my head.

YABU - you can't afford it, spend where it's most needed
YANBU - we should take the financial pain and invest in both DCs' educations

I have one in private and one in state ( Grammar ) There is no issue between them . The younger sibling did start at a good well regarded state comp but we moved them in year 9 . You do what’s right for each DC . Perhaps I’m lucky though that my older DC loves his school and friendship group and didn’t want to move for sixth form . Maybe start DC2 in state and monitor . Be ready and willing to pay for tutoring and ensure they get to do the hobbies they want

I think it matters how good the local comp is for NT DC and the decision is not straightforward. I think you could parent through this but you’d need to provide plenty of opportunities for dc2 to follow their dreams which will create a sense of overall fairness.

My dd1 is a Very Able student and possibly gifted in some areas - which is a SEN in its own way but not one that anyone worries about at all. After a dreadful state primary experience she is happy at a secondary comp which is absolutely excellent: she can walk there, loads of friends nearby, and if you work hard, the results can be very good - not as good as private school, of course, but we try to supplement by paying for days out and holidays and extra curriculars. We will also make sure dd is fully supported to make the most of her university opportunities.

Younger DC2 is not academic and has a couple of minor SEN including hearing problems which in reality we cope with quite well at primary level. We are considering private secondary because this dc is a boy and there is no decent mixed/single sex school in our town that he could get into. I don’t know if ds will actually need a strong academic education but I would invest to secure that opportunity whereas I am happy to let dd take her chances in the state sector.

There is a lot to be said for going to a good local comprehensive - but if it’s not good, then I think the decision looks very different .

Does your DS2 want to change to a private school? I think you should have a conversation with him as he may want to go with his friends to the local high school and might do well there. If he understands his brother is thriving in private he might not see it as something to compare just as helping his brother. If he doesn’t want to change to private maybe you could start saving for him to help through college, uni or whatever when he is older?

I sent one youngest DC to private school for 4 years due to SEN and not coping in our local primary school. Older DC stayed at local primary school, their own choice, they were asked each term if they wanted to go private. Older DC remained in local primary then secondary and younger DC joined secondary in year 8.

It never worried me that I had spent money on younger DC as we were doing what was best for their them. However, things changed when older DC went to Uni and would eventually leave Uni with debt of less than I’d spent on younger DC’s education. I have subsequently retuned to full time work and will pay for both DC’s Uni (or as much as I can).

We always said we would never treat our kids them the same but would be fair. They are different people and you have to play to their individual strengths and weaknesses. If DC1 needs a private SEN school then putting DC2 into private just because of that would be treating them the same in my opinion. it may be detrimental to DC2 you simply don’t know.

Treat them as completely separate people looking at their individual needs. You haven’t actually said how’s DC1 future as an adult looks as it depends on how much of “not a level playing field” they have at present.

If DC2 is likely to thrive in state then I would spend money on school trips, private tutoring if need be to give him the best outcome of exam results. He may like a local school with friends close by and enjoy the social aspect. Be prepared though in case he doesn’t thrive in state and then you may have to look at a private school for him too.

Honestly attention and supporting dc2’s hobbies and interests will be enough to balance it out. Children only need to feel important, as long as dc2 feels that in other ways then the different school won’t be a big deal

I have 3 DCs the older 2 are thriving in the local comp. DC1 is undiagnosed ND but is going great academically and will be leaving with 7,8,9s in his GCSEs. DC2 is NT loves school and is doing ok, he's not as academic and plans on getting a trade.
DC3 is ND has an EHCP and is very behind academically they will be starting an independent very expensive (state paid for) ASD school. This is the right place for them and they wouldn't survive in a mainstream school. Yes they will have a lot more opportunities at this school as there is a heavy emphasis on holistic learning so will have access to more trips, horse riding and enrichment. But will leave with life skills and very little academic qualifications. This will enable them to live an independent life. They will never attend uni or be able to get a high paid job.
The older DCs will be able to use their academic qualifications to go to uni or get trades etc and also live fulfilling lives.

I view this disparity in their educations as leveling up DC3. Both the older DCs support this fully and understand DC3s challenges.

You absolutely cannot lay this level of guilt on dc2!
“yeah well dc2 if you want treated the same then it’ll be your fault we don’t go on fancy holidays” ?!
@PleaseFoxOff what does dc1 ehcp say? Can it name his current school for la to fund?

Agree totally with this