To feel something like satisfaction that DH finally gets it (NAMALT)

[Playingvideogames]

DH has always been a bit frustrating during our conversations about male behaviour. He accepts men commit the most crime, are more likely to walk out on their children etc but I got the impression he thought he and his (middle class) circle of friends were a bit above this. And that I was exaggerating when I said far more men were capable of shitty behaviour than he thinks.

Well tonight his friend of 30 years, who walked out on his wife and 2 primary aged boys last year (1 of whom has significant SEN), has announced his new girlfriend (who he has been seeing for 8 months) is 3 months pregnant and he’s ’ready for the best year ever’. This is when he is currently living in a house share, is unlikely to be paying maintenance (constantly talking about being skint), and it’s widely known his contact with his existing children is patchy. The friend is in his early 50s, and of course new woman is much younger at 38.

I told DH he would get the new girlfriend pregnant and see even less of his kids, DH said I was ‘thinking the worst of him’ and he would ‘get it together soon’. Tonight he’s admitted he’s shocked, and that he ‘never thought one of his friends could be like this’.

Of course I don’t like that somebody else’s misfortune has constituted this learning lesson for DH but there’s some relief he’s finally realised why I’m generally so pessimistic about men. Just needed to let that out somewhere!

Is the friend claiming that he met his new girlfriend after he split with his wife? Cos that's bullshit!
Men only leave when there's someone else in place.

Firstly, if either Mum or Dad is a crack addict, going no contact with their children until they sort themselves out is not necessarily a bad thing. They can't be trusted to take care of a child, and will typically steal anything that can be readily sold for their fix.

Very few women are crack addicts.

Most men have at least one long-term friend (from school or college typically), that they now don't like at all. And they'd not want a sister or female friend/colleague to date that 'friend' because he's a misogynistic arsehole with regressive, sexist views.

If the Arsehole has a wife, he's disloyal and dismissive when speaking about her. And if the marriage breaks up, he becomes very bitter, angry and resentful, and will use money and the children as a means of control/revenge. The A. will get some push back from their friend group, but male loyalty is a powerful norm. I wish this weren't the case.

NAMALT is true. But most men will regularly witness the M who ALT in many horrible ways.

Well I'd guess the 38 year old will have low self worth and be desperate for stability and someone to have a baby with (assuming it's her first) hence finding this prince among men a suitable candidate for fathering her child despite glaring red flags.

Common sources of low self worth can include being abused or abandoned by a parent when young, or experiences such as sexual assault etc.

So the cycle of unhealthy relationships perpetuates itself somewhat.

A bit of fluff?

It's funny that you mention the projection of the good dad being someone who cares about social justice and goes on Palestine marches etc. We know someone who's ex left her when their daughter was 2 months old. He's never paid a penny of maintenance despite absolutely coining it and is SUCH an aresehole to her. She is punctilious about putting their child's best interests at heart and making sure there is contact. He's moderately famous and has gone on several woke bro podcasts to talk about how hard it is being a single dad and how much he adores his kid and how hard he works for her. He's also a very vocal supporter of Palestine and trans rights. I don't have the words to outline how much I despise him. Yes I know Not All Men but there are a lot of the totally useless fuckers around, aren't there.

I sometimes wonder what the new child(ren) think when they become adults and have an adult's perspective on how their half siblings were treated by their dad. What is it like when it dawns on you as an adult that your dad was ok about deserting and in many cases ceasing all financial provision for the child(ren) he had once you came along. Do they see their dad less favourably or do they accept whatever narratve they have been given throughout their childhood.

Voted YABU because while non of your points surprise me the schudenfreuden-esqe glee at being right bothers me. That man's poor exW and kids

Trust me there is no ‘glee’.

I had a couple of uncles, who completely abandoned their children when their marriages broke down. I think some men just aren't interested in their own children unless they are attached to a relationship and will just move on to another woman.

One uncle even refused to meet his adult twin children when they tried to resume contact years after he left them. Our extended family supported them in their attempt to see their absent father and he still refused.

Have you got a link? because my very sweet but very, very naive partner has absolutely no idea and frankly by now it's pissing me off.

He's absolutely lovely and can't understand that many men .. aren't. He's that fucking naive that he didn't understand why men should cross the road to the other side from a woman if they were behind her at night. He thought it was unfair they should have to. I'm afraid I gave him an earful that it was a lot more unfair that women have to live with this justified fear. I'd like to bloody show him a video or two if you could pm the link please.

I don't think he is that sweet and lovely if you tell him he should cross the road so the woman ahead knows he isn't following her, and his response is "that's not fair on me". You've explained the reason, so it's not that he's naive and innocent. He knows.

Sadly too common. Some men entering new relationships just seem to chuck their children out of their lives like a bag of rubbish from a moving car.

On my more cynical days, I think 95% of men being 'spectacularly dim' in regards to the reality of the sexism and misogyny the world is steeped in, is actually pretty spot on! (And at least 70% of women too, to be fair!)

Same thing their wives saw in them 20 years earlier if they can overlook the physical deterioration.
Because all those things they did and said to make their wives believe they'd found the love of their lives who was fun, caring, attentive, good father material, they will be doing the exact same to the new woman. She's not seeing dull Dave the inadequate husband, she's seeing him at his absolute best as he pulls out all the stops to win her.
Ask her a few years in though and she might struggle to tell you.

I think they do know it but they'd rather not until they are brutally faced with it.

Each year in our city we have a shoe installation demonstrating women killed by partners. When my bf first saw it on his own it shook him up. But they still don't really get how the fear of crime means our lives are very different to theirs.

Or that we are at risk of being abandoned with DC and left to get on with it. Some people don't get that their resources need to be for the existing DC not more.

Lefty Wokebros are the worst

I knew a man exactly like this. Mr Good Guy decrying how terribly men treat women, does tonnes of ' good work' in the community, devoted to his wife. Till it turns out he has been long term cheating on her with multiple long term OW, simultaneously. All those good works were also acting as a cover to be out of the house cheating.

I have to say most men I know, will excuse or actually support their mates shitty behaviour to their wives. I know men who will openly support their mates hiding assets from their wife in case of divorce (or a divorce they are planning that they have not told their wife about - this includes wives who have been SAHM), or support their mates trying to find ways to reduce their maintenance payments.

This. If a woman did the same exact behaviour then that WhatsApp group would either be tumbleweed after her declaration of about to have the best year ever or people piling on to tell her what a disgrace she was being. Not claps on the back and messages of congrats.

My friend's wife was shagging her boss. She left her husband and two kids and moved in with her boss and his four kids.

I mean it’s equally as worthy of condemnation, but far less common.

I'm not 100% certain but I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Fair enough the guys a rizzler but should take care of his kids too

Omg this just makes my blood boil! I don’t think I would be able to stay quiet if I was your friend. I would put out a statement giving it all straight. What a hideous human being. The smug self satisfaction and self pity is just nauseating.

This is such an insightful post and really resonates with me. I vividly remember having a christmas get-together with my (now ex) DH's family when my BIL, who had left his wonderful wife of 20+ years for the (much younger) OW. He brought his (traumatised) kids and dumped them on my MIL while he spent the entire time on the phone to the OW. I was biting my tongue so hard the entire time to keep the peace.
He then tried to force her to sell their family home by not paying maintenance whilst swanning off to some luxury resort (think Dubai) and buying the biggest engagement ring I have ever seen outside of the movies.
Next Christmas? Asking about baby names with new woman - his kids nowhere in sight. My DH's 'supportive' reaction made me want to vomit, and should have been a huge warning about his behaviour when we got divorced. Guess who else hasn't paid any maintenance for his son?
At least your DH is appalled, OP, I think that's a good sign.

You wouldn’t say the ‘vast majority of men do neither’, but the statistics would. 20% of men report extramarital sex, which means 80% don't which is "the vast majority".

Women cheat less, but there is hardly anything in it and some data suggest younger women cheat more than younger men.

So, taring all men with the cheating bastard brush while giving women a pass is both sexist and wrong.

• Men Cheat More (Generally): Data from sources like the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) and General Social Survey (GSS) often show men reporting higher rates of extramarital sex (around 20%) than women (around 13-19%).
• Closing Gap: The percentage of women having affairs has increased significantly over past decades, closing the gender gap in infidelity, especially in younger generations and unmarried relationships.
• Varying Rates: Different studies show slightly different figures, with some finding 23% of men and 20% of women admitting infidelity in at least one relationship.
• Age & Generational Factors: Infidelity patterns vary by age, with older generations of women showing higher rates, possibly linked to the sexual revolution, while younger women's rates are rising.

A few people asked me to link a video of women’s experience on public transport - sorry I don’t have the ones I mentioned as I saw them on TikTok and I don’t use it anymore, and it doesn’t seem to let me search TikTok without downloading the app again. But here’s one coming up on google from Instagram which is the general gist, not the worst I’ve seen though…

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DRXX6rGjAbI/