To feel something like satisfaction that DH finally gets it (NAMALT)

[Playingvideogames]

DH has always been a bit frustrating during our conversations about male behaviour. He accepts men commit the most crime, are more likely to walk out on their children etc but I got the impression he thought he and his (middle class) circle of friends were a bit above this. And that I was exaggerating when I said far more men were capable of shitty behaviour than he thinks.

Well tonight his friend of 30 years, who walked out on his wife and 2 primary aged boys last year (1 of whom has significant SEN), has announced his new girlfriend (who he has been seeing for 8 months) is 3 months pregnant and he’s ’ready for the best year ever’. This is when he is currently living in a house share, is unlikely to be paying maintenance (constantly talking about being skint), and it’s widely known his contact with his existing children is patchy. The friend is in his early 50s, and of course new woman is much younger at 38.

I told DH he would get the new girlfriend pregnant and see even less of his kids, DH said I was ‘thinking the worst of him’ and he would ‘get it together soon’. Tonight he’s admitted he’s shocked, and that he ‘never thought one of his friends could be like this’.

Of course I don’t like that somebody else’s misfortune has constituted this learning lesson for DH but there’s some relief he’s finally realised why I’m generally so pessimistic about men. Just needed to let that out somewhere!

Sorry, it doesn’t say that she’s pregnant in the OP it just says that you told your husband he would get her pregnant?

Well tonight his friend of 30 years, who walked out on his wife and 2 primary aged boys last year (1 of whom has significant SEN), has announced his new girlfriend (who he has been seeing for 8 months) is 3 months pregnant

How much clearer could I be than that?

It says she is three months pregnant!

And the new child.

It's such a common thing and seems to be becoming more common.

Online dating has made it easier for men to find a new, younger model to replace a middle aged wife with.
And there seems to be lots of younger women happy to hook up with a man 10-20 years older too.
Of course it's the kids left behind who really suffer though.

And there seems to be lots of younger women happy to hook up with a man 10-20 years older too.

Not all of them are going to stick around when he's 70 and she's 50...

I'm not convinced that it should be an option when you have young children, especially if they have special needs. Unless there is abuse I think he should have stayed in his marriage and worked on it. This seems like a "grass is greener" situation and he should be shamed for it.

Then the second wife comes on here moaning that her DH already has other children and it’s not convenient for her fresh new family 🙄

Hard disagree. Leaving should always be an option for everyone.

While he’s ultimately responsible for his children I think she’s bloody stupid and selfish to actively get pregnant by a man who has walked out on his kids and already proved himself to be a fairweather father.

I said to DH she is going to find having a baby a lot tougher than she expects and he already has form for jumping ship - all lovely for now with the pram shopping and scans, but it’s when years of sleep deprivation and 24/7 responsibility grind you down that the real test comes. What are the odds a couple that have known each other a handful of months can withstand that.

I agree but it’s the way in which it’s happened. If he had left, and just focussed on finding proper accommodation and contributing financially and by being present, that would be no cause for judgement at all.

It’s like he’s simply left and decided ‘that didn’t work out well, let’s have a round 2 and see if it’s better for me’

Can you read?

Who's actually told you he isn't paying though? You just seem to assume he isn't as he talks about being skint - does he do that in general or in the context of i can't pay I'm to skint?

Because for all you know he is paying and that's contributing to him feeling broke

It’s when the new woman has 3 kids already and he treats them like his own while neglecting his responsibilities to the kids he has that that gets me. Imagine seeing daddy play happy families while you get minimal time and effort from him because he’s moved on, heartbreaking especially after years of once being a loving father to them.

Men have the power to put pressure on other men to behave better. A girl got murdered in our town by a man who already had a lot of form for abuse of other women , including being prosecuted for beating one badly. At the time he was an accepted member of the local rugby club and regularly in the headlines of the local
sports section of the paper. Why? Why did the other men in the team accept this low life misogynist as part of their team. It still baffles me.

I have reason to believe this (although of course I can’t be 100% as neither have disclosed everything to me, I don’t know his wife well), but can’t post it here as it would be outing.

Forget the rest of the post. If you are in an unhappy marriage be you male or female, with or without children, you have every right to leave.

This happened in my family. My stepsister got together with a man who had a child from his previous marriage (she also had a child), before you know it he’s adopted her child, doesn’t see his old one (the old ‘she doesnt want to see me and I just allow that because I’m a good dad who respects her feelings’) and the dad of my stepsister’s child is banished so they can play happy families together without interfering ghosts from their past turning up for custody. They now have 2 kids together as well. All so frustrating

But my entire thread is about the rest of the post, not the moral case for or against divorce.

Leaving someone is one thing, abandoning your existing children then creating another with someone else is the issue

Yeah, women never have affairs . . 🙄

You can leave a marriage and still parent the children you brought into the world.
Mothers move on after separation and often have another child but not to replace their other children.

Leaving your own children should never be an option.

Sorry cross post

As a Man, I'd be disgusted.

Perhaps the UK government will decide before the next election, to legislate for absent fathers to pay for their desertion in real terms. Yes, the self employed, the tradesmen, the professionals paid "commission and bonuses, the benefit claimants. Pay or criminalise.

If not this government, a prospective government may suggest it.

We in Scotland have an election on may this year. I'll be asking and writing to prospective candidates. What will you do?