To feel something like satisfaction that DH finally gets it (NAMALT)

[Playingvideogames]

DH has always been a bit frustrating during our conversations about male behaviour. He accepts men commit the most crime, are more likely to walk out on their children etc but I got the impression he thought he and his (middle class) circle of friends were a bit above this. And that I was exaggerating when I said far more men were capable of shitty behaviour than he thinks.

Well tonight his friend of 30 years, who walked out on his wife and 2 primary aged boys last year (1 of whom has significant SEN), has announced his new girlfriend (who he has been seeing for 8 months) is 3 months pregnant and he’s ’ready for the best year ever’. This is when he is currently living in a house share, is unlikely to be paying maintenance (constantly talking about being skint), and it’s widely known his contact with his existing children is patchy. The friend is in his early 50s, and of course new woman is much younger at 38.

I told DH he would get the new girlfriend pregnant and see even less of his kids, DH said I was ‘thinking the worst of him’ and he would ‘get it together soon’. Tonight he’s admitted he’s shocked, and that he ‘never thought one of his friends could be like this’.

Of course I don’t like that somebody else’s misfortune has constituted this learning lesson for DH but there’s some relief he’s finally realised why I’m generally so pessimistic about men. Just needed to let that out somewhere!

Nobody said all men are the same.!

‘Best year ever’ LOL. What a knob. Honestly so cringe and clichè. I hope his ex wife does some bloody wonderful things without him. interested to know if your DH will stay friends with him! Does he also think it’s a bit cringe? I couldn’t think of anything much less attractive than a man over 50 having left his wife to live in a house share. And I’m the same age as his new squeeze! She must be mad.

I agree with this. To be so keen on telling your husband how many men are shit that you feel “satisfaction” that a man is acting poorly is a bit odd.

who are you to demand that everyone must follow your particular rules or be punished.

Who said anything about punishing anyone? I withdraw from people whose behaviour I don't agree with, if it's a point worth disagreeing over. Are you defining withdrawing as punishing the other person? I see it the other way, that not withdraw is tacitly supporting behaviour which you think is wrong.

I thought this thread was unusual on here because most posters were calling out this man's irresponsible behaviour but it doesn't take long for the male apologists to leap on...

He’s been ‘cringe’ for a while. I can’t be too specific but he’s been reinventing himself since the marriage ended into some kind of renaissance man, engaging in activism and recording himself attending political marches and doing book reviews etc

Of course these new hobbies can t continue when the new baby is here, not unless new girlfriend does 90% of childcare… oh wait, his history…

I never normally endorse people sending dynamite-y texts but PLEASE do this. Probably better if your DH does as I suspect you'd be dismissed as being a judgemental man hating woman.

Stating he'll have "the best year ever" whilst ignoring his existing and presumably very upset children is despicable beyond words. Bet the new relationship will be on the rocks soon when the reality of a newborn kicks in anyway. And if the GF was the OW then if they'll do it with you then they'll do it to you, as the saying goes.

Is it an option for the mother of his children too then? Put them in care because it should be an option for everyone.

Yeah but the man discussed in the op hasn't continued to parent. If he had I doubt anyone would blink. 'My DHs friend in his 50s left his marriage several years ago and has his children 50% of the time or has them 2-3 days a week and pays cms to make up the shortfall, is always at every event, has just had them half the Xmas holidays is having a baby with his new girlfriend's wouldn't carry the same concern. At that point you might get some judgement on his age or concern for his older kids feeling pushed out but it's not the same as a parent opting out and starting over

I could do a cleverly worded comment when the inevitable Facebook announcement happens I suppose…

My DH loves his big brother. But he came on holiday with us this year and I think it was a bit of an eye-opener. Constant gross misogynistic remarks about (very young) women tourists, saying openly he was "up for it" as SIL wasn't with us, etc etc. DH has previously told me BIL is to be pitied as they have a sexless marriage. I told him I wasn't surprised, as being with a bloke like that would give me the ick and seal my fanny firmly shut, and he admits now he could understand that!

Women are just as capable of this kind of behaviour as men are. Men might be more likely to walk out on their children, but then women exclusively commit cuckoldry.

Both are equally shitty behaviours but they should be judged at the individual level, rather than stereotyping entire groups.

Exactly this!
Why is it ok for him to just leave and have the freedom to start again safe in the knowledge that his children are being cared for by the wife he left behind?

When is her opportunity to move on in the same way going to come?

I know of two who walked away from their kids to start a new relationship. 🤷‍♀️

Abandoning children is worse than cheating. There are ‘degrees of bad’ and men win.

Tricking a man into raising children that are not his is shitty behaviour. Abandoning children is shitty behaviour.

Fortunately, the vast majority of men and women do neither, so turning it into the oppression Olympics and smearing the whole group with the behaviour of a minority helps no one.

I’m sorry to hear that, but yes as a woman not shocked at all. I think most of us have had this happen many times in our lives. I’m glad there were the videos for DH to see what it looks like, as we have daughters too, eldest almost at the stage where this will happen, my heart breaks for her.

Of course we choose who we associate with based on their personal values aligning with our own.
Are you friends with sex offenders or bullies or thieves?
Nobody is entitled to a friendship despite being a disgrace, it’s your business who you choose to be friends with and I could’ve be friends with someone I had no respect for.

90% of single parent families are headed by mothers. I wouldn’t say the ‘vast majority of men do neither’. There is a clear disparity in the sexes, stop trying to pretend there isn’t with whataboutery.

Yeah, but you don't have the right to lead your life as you want thereafter. And you need to recognise that the divorce comes with that tradeoff.

Because your first priority has to be your existing children. You can leave a marriage and leave the home they are in - or ask your spouse to leave. But this is a choice to subject your children to something on the list of psychologically adverse childhood experiences. The separation of your two primary caregivers is a big change in the life of a child and unless handled with great sensitivity and maturity will likely harm them. Obviously not talking about abusers here, where it is clear cut that staying in the marriage harms the children. And yes, mum and dad not getting on is also harmful, but the choice to leave doesn't mean there is zero harm.

If your marriage breaks down it doesn't make you bad people but it is a piece of bad luck for the whole family that you need to live in awareness of until your children are adults. There's a tradeoff in whether its better for you to stay or split. It's fine to choose the tradeoff that you should split but after that you have to put them first.

That means no live in partners for many years. No step families. No blended families. Just don't. You have the right to be privately happy in your sex life, but it is not good behaviour to subject your children to a new family they didn't want and shouldn't have to deal with.

I get a lot of flak when I post this kind of stuff and it's one of the few things I am ranting and rigid about. Otherwise am a soggy liberal on almost anything.

But if a woman walked away from her children to have another baby with someone else while neglecting her others that new baby would be removed and she’d be an unfit mother while the man can leave a trail of kids behind him every time he can’t be bothered to parent and just start again at will.

I get on well with my brother, we’re not in each others pockets but are close when we do see each other.

when he left his wife, my first question was “what’s her name?” My husband was shocked that he’d left his wife for someone else. I wasn’t 🤷‍♀️

It’s the disparity that grates. Yes its a minority but dad bailing and starting another family is common. Not in my friendship groups but several other men in the community have done it. Genuinely can’t think of any woman that has. I admit I don’t know any crack addicts though.

My DH only really understood how predatory some men are when DD hit about 10. Even then he tried "they must not have realised how old she was" and other such nonsense.
I think he (mostly) gets it now

Yes, but not to ignore your children and quickly move on to having another with a new woman.