Worried about sending my daughter to nursery

[JefferyE96]

This is my first time on here and I wanted some advice or help or is it just me im a first time mum and it’s just been me and my daughter from the day she was born we’ve never been apart we have friends and family but I just won’t let my daughter go to anyone else apart from me in April my daughter is meant to be starting nursery and I’m so nervous first off I’m worried about her going and being separated from her she’s my rock and my world secondly how I see it she will be going to nursery and what we do at home she will be doing at nursery for 3 hours 5 days a week so what’s the difference from staying at home or going to nursery friends and family say it will benefit both of us socially for my daughter which she is very sociable with other children and me to have a break but I don’t want a break and I don’t need a break it’s just us two and I love it I’m enjoying the time we have together now before she goes big school and she starts her new chapter they are only young once and she’s still my bubba I don’t know if I’m being silly or need to pull my socks up and let my daughter be free and make her own friends with out me being there am I being silly or is it okay to let her stay home for another year and let her goes reception next year

If she’s due to go to reception next year I would send her for 2 days a week. My youngest did two full days in school nursery and the only reason was to get her used to being away from me all day, eating her lunch in a group, learning to socialise with other children and be around other adults and the basics of going to the loo and hanging her coat and bag up. the only reason I sent mine was so she’d be school ready as school is exhausting even if they’ve been in the same building for nursery. It just makes it a little easier

There’s no rush at all OP. You’re her mum, you know your child best, you have the final say and don’t have to justify that to anyone.

As someone with a decade of experience as an Early Years Lead and Reception teacher, I taught many wonderful children who started school straight from home who had fantastic personal social skills, behaviour and manners. If you want to socialise more at home there are parks, play dates and local groups. It is very easy to achieve this outside of nursery.

Mine did enjoy their 3 hours 5 days a week at nursery from the term after their third birthdays, but if the timing hadn’t felt right we’d have waited until Reception, no biggie either way. Loads you can do together at home at that age for sure.

Good luck whatever you decide 😊

She shouldn’t be your “rock” - she’s a child! She needs to go and socialise and learn about being away from you during the day, otherwise you’re setting yourself up for failure when she goes to school.

She's may have quite bad separation anxiety at school and have a bit of a shock if she literally never spends a minute away from you.. does she / you have any friends that she gets to play with?

You won't get a balanced response on here as it will be very pro nursery. My DD doesn't go as she really hated the two nurseries I tried. Instead she does a dance class and stage class. We take her places to socialise with other children too and she loves to make little friends. I didn't go to nursery and neither did my class 40 years ago and no one struggled with school. Do what suits you both, the time is precious 💕

I’m sorry you’re feeling badly about this. But when I read your post it’s all about you - what’s important here is her. It will benefit her hugely to have a slower start to her education and she’ll be so much better off with some nursery time to get used to it all.

Your 4 year old shouldn’t be your ‘rock’…..this is very wrong

It is okay for her not to go to nursery but it is not okay for you to be so emotionally dependent on her. She is too young to be anyone’s rock. She is your daughter: it is not fair for her to be under that pressure. So, in this situation, I think it would be sensible to try nursery, so that school is not such a shock to either of you frankly.

It's only 15 hours a week for 3/4 of the year. You've still got the rest of the day, and all the school holidays. She'll start to learn useful skills such as how things work in a larger group (listening, lining up to take turns, etc) which will help when she does get to school. Being part of a larger group is also a bit more tiring; the length of the school day will come as much more of a shock if she hasn't had that stepping-stone.

It will also help you to get used to being without her, so that school isn't too much of a shock for you, too! You can start finding other things to do with that bit of child-free time before you've got six hours to fill...

Describing a 3 yr old as your rock is bordering on emotional invest you can't make a 3 yr old your best friend, 3 yr olds need 3 yr old best friends and you need time bodily alone too. And I'm a very attached parent, my kids have never slept away from home and are 7 and 4 but they need to develop away from you.

What are you worried will happen?

It sounds like you need this for you- your small child shouldn’t be your rock. Maybe you need some time to get back to being yourself.

I know it's hard to let them go but if she is 3/4 going to reception next year the she will really benefit from nursery. She'll get to play with other kids, get used to the routines, get to play with different toys, learn new things. Plus it's just a few hours a day so won't be such a shock to either of you when she goes to school.

See it as a soft start to the next chapter for you both.

Setting aside whether or not you want to send your kid to nursery which is a completely personal decision, it does sound like it’s important to find a way to give her a little space and help her get used to a world where you aren’t always there. Your child is only in the early stages of needing to separate from you and become her own human being but it’s a journey you need to help support - not cling on to her so tightly. The fact that she’s never been left with any trusted family or carer at all in over 3 years is unusual and means formal education is going to be a sever shock for her if you don’t do a lot more to prepare her on the way. It’s also a lot to describe her as “your rock” and whilst most parents adore their kids I’m not sure you really want them to be “your world” either - you need to be capable of being a whole person without them no matter how much you love them as they are going to grow up and live their own lives.

The year before school, kids benefit from high quality provision like a nursery. You'll be doing it for her. Let her settle in and after a couple of months you might feel differently. I sometimes think the lead up to change can be harder than the actual transition. If she hates it after a while, then remove her. I'm sure she will start school fine whatever you do.

Send her for full days instead of half days
She will need to get used to doing stuff independently and being social for reception. You may as well otherwise she may be anxious and scared of school.

You should start leaving her with trusted family or friends so she can develop outside of you, this is for her benefit

She’s a small child, not your ‘rock’.
I’m not particularly pro nursery but I am in favour of some pre-school education. A couple of mornings a week to get used to being with other adults and playing with children her own age is a good idea in my opinion.

You don’t have to send her for 5 days.
We started with 2 three hour sessions and built up to 5 over a year and a half.

So we still had 3 days at first where we did days out, playgroups etc

Then they did 3 sessions and I’d book classes in the morning when she went in the afternoon etc

Mine only did 5 sessions in the two terms before school. And I took her out for days out sometimes.

Nursery is amazing. If it's a good one they'll be doing tons of activities you can't recreate at home. Lots of socialising. You can tell in the school queue which reception children have been and who haven't. It gets them used to finding their peg/drawer, sitting and eating with the other children, carpet time etc.

What do you think your daughter would like to do and benefit from?

Not what you want or think you need, but what setup would be beneficial to her?

Personally I think it does children a disservice to send them to school without any taste of nursery or preschool. Doesn’t have to be every day but even 2/3 days a week helps establish expectations and routines that will be of great help going into school.

I know plenty will disagree but I think it risks setting them up for failure and isn’t always in their best interests. The children I know who have had very limited or disrupted preschool have really struggled with the transition to school. An acquaintance of mine had what I would term a rather co-dependent relationship with her daughter and never sent her to anything, it was always just the two of them, and she has had an absolutely awful time starting school. I feel very sorry for her but also frustrating as her parents haven’t set her up for success.

Our role of parents is multifaceted and sometimes that means pushing the boundaries of what is comfortable.
In the run up to starting school it can be beneficial to start getting both of you used to being apart. It varies from child to child. You know your child would plunging straight into school 5 days a week 9-3.30 work well for them or would they be best eased in? If it's the latter look at nurseries and preschool.

My daughter was in nursery from being young and got loads out of it. They did similar things to what we did at home but she also learnt about things that other kids were interested in. They helped solidify things we learnt at home. Learning the same things at home and at nursery but with different people's ways of doing was helpful. We had a gap in nurseries and she was home for 3 months just before she turned 2. When she stopped the first nursery her language was behind. We did loads of work on her language at home when we didn't have nursery but it took going back into the nursery for her language to flourish. Within 2 months she was completely different it wasn't that they were better than us she was just exposed to multiple ways of picking things up. She learnt from us and she learnt from them and she learnt from the other kids.

One of the things that really brought on her development was her having things to talk about with her that we didn't know. We could ask her about her day and she could tell us with pride what she had done. Full of excitement that she had done well at football or had fun playing dinosaurs with James today.

My DD does full days at nursery and loves it - has a great little gang of friends. She’s looking forward to
going back next week!

It sounds quite unhealthy from your side. You should send her because it seems like you should have some space.

I completely understand that as a single parent to an only child you are totally wrapped up in her life, you have sole responsibility for her upbringing and care, and you are together every waking moment, and love it. It is for these very reasons that you have to let her join in with the other children at nursery/pre-school. She will soon get to know that mummy drops her off, she has fun with her friends, learns to play with other children, sharing and taking turns, take part in messy play (which you might not want at home!), she'll learn what it's like to be around other adults, how to be kind to one another, there are so many benefits. While she is there you can have meet ups with friends for coffee and a chat, or sit and read, have a relaxing soak in the bath, go for a swim without having to constantly have an eye on your daughter, do some gardening, go to the hairdresser's or have a massage, anything that takes your fancy where you can be you and not mum. The excited look on her face when you pick her up and proudly gives you a piece of artwork or a cookie that she's made is priceless. Her friends will become important to her and it will be a completely different relationship to the one you have with her, she'll get invited to birthday parties and maybe play dates, you'll get to meet other mum's and either build friendships yourself or keep yourself to yourself, it's up to you. Fast forward when she goes to primary school to reception, she'll have experience of you dropping her off, she'll know she hasn't been abandoned and that you will be there to pick her up when school finishes, she'll have got used to sharing, taking turns, being quiet for reading time, queuing up etc., there are so many benefits of having been to nursery/pre-school. I hope you will consider it, it will be good for both of you 🙂

It's up to you, you don't have to send her to nursery if you don't want to, it's not compulsory. I think it depends very much on the child and the nursery, some children really enjoy it and some prefer being at home. Why not let her start and see how she likes it, then you can decide from there?

Thank you