Worried about sending my daughter to nursery

[JefferyE96]

This is my first time on here and I wanted some advice or help or is it just me im a first time mum and it’s just been me and my daughter from the day she was born we’ve never been apart we have friends and family but I just won’t let my daughter go to anyone else apart from me in April my daughter is meant to be starting nursery and I’m so nervous first off I’m worried about her going and being separated from her she’s my rock and my world secondly how I see it she will be going to nursery and what we do at home she will be doing at nursery for 3 hours 5 days a week so what’s the difference from staying at home or going to nursery friends and family say it will benefit both of us socially for my daughter which she is very sociable with other children and me to have a break but I don’t want a break and I don’t need a break it’s just us two and I love it I’m enjoying the time we have together now before she goes big school and she starts her new chapter they are only young once and she’s still my bubba I don’t know if I’m being silly or need to pull my socks up and let my daughter be free and make her own friends with out me being there am I being silly or is it okay to let her stay home for another year and let her goes reception next year

You’re setting your child up for anxiety by putting your emotional attachment onto her. Why don’t you want her to be independent. It is odd to describe a child as your rock.

Fellow single parent here. My dc are my world but I am not dependent on them. I do not wish them to be completely dependent on me either.
Our most important job as parents is to create children who will be self sufficient, confident people who will thrive WITHOUT us one day.
Let your kid go to nursery. It will be better for her and you. You can be apart and still love her. Good luck.

Nursery can help young children transition into school. Otherwise reception may come as a big shock to her, if she has no experience of being away from you and then suddenly has to do it full time.

I think it's because normally when someone calls a person their rock, they mean that they rely on them, either emotionally or practically.

Obviously you shouldn't be relying on your child as that can be very damaging, but I don't think that's what you're suggesting - I think you're expressing that she's hugely important to you and that you don't mind your whole life being arranged around her. That's absolutely fine, but I think the word 'rock' is throwing people because of its other connotations.

DT’s are my greatest achievement and I’m so proud of the people they have become (they are now in their mid 20’s).
They started full time nursery at six months old - they loved it and I’ve lovely memories of that time in their lives.
Your DD will probably love it - new experiences, new friends and independence.

She may absolutely love it and it's good prep for school. You may find too that you like having the time for you. You could do all sorts of things, you won't know until you try.

Every teacher I know says that children who don’t go to nursery at all find it difficult to settle into school. A day or two in nursery will give her a chance to get used to being dropped off and picked up. Do a slow settling in, start with short sessions and stay until she has begun to get to know her key worker, don’t just leave her, or let the staff carry her away if she’s crying. Done right it can help her build trust and resilience, and independence.

I also think you need some time away from her. You say she is your rock and your world, and this really is a bit excessive. I love my children fiercely, I nurture them gently to build secure attachment and worry about them when I’m not with them, but I recognise that they are not my entire focus if being. You’ve clearly had an intense experience of motherhood, give yourself a little space, remember you are more than a mum, you are an individual too.

I came on this thread ready to support you, as I think its a very sad change in society that so many parents of babies and toddlers have to put them in nursery to survive financially.
But your child isn't very young, she is old enough to need contact with other children to develop her social skills. Your post is all about your needs, not hers. It will be good for both of you for her to go. Your job as a parent is not to treat her as 'your rock', but to help her along the long path to becoming a fully independent individual, separate from you.

My mum describes me as her rock, her best friend etc.

I am in my 40s, I love her but it’s exhausting. The pressure to be her rock, to be there all the time when siblings aren’t expected to do the same.

My Mum and dad are still together and I have siblings, so imagine the additional level of pressure you will put on your child as a single mother with an only child.

Absolutely love your child, let her be the center of your world but she is not there to be your rock, it should be the other way around.

I have also have a friend who sounds similar to you, her son was such a people pleaser, never wanted to upset his mum or cause her trouble because she relied on him so much. As soon as he was 18 he moved away to uni as he realised the pressure she put on him to be her “rock”, it was suffocating. They are now in therapy

I'd send her - you never know she might love it. She'll make friends, might be invited to some birthday parties and she'll be trying new things - what a lucky girl and a great opportunity for her. She'll still be your rock and she won't forget about you! If you're worried about separating from
me, rather try it now than when she has to start school

This ^ if you continue thinking this way you will overburden your daughter when she starts to grow up and seek independence (which is normal).

also have you ever heard of punctuation? They teach that in primary school. Your post is so hard to read, it is like a long rant which doesn’t help you at all.

good luck

Regardless of whether you are are a single parent or not….your child should not be your ‘rock’ ….wrong, wrong and wrong

Sorry OP but I agree with other posters - this sounds a bit unhealthily enmeshed.

You need adult friends and she needs some time away from you to socialise.

Of course you can decide to keep her at home. That’s not really the issue though. In the gentlest possible way, it’s not healthy to be so attached that a four year old is your rock and it’s unbearable to be separated. She’s her own little person and needs to spend some time without you there - even at this young age, because it’s healthy to do so - whereas your post seems to be focused on the anxiety and loneliness / boredom for you without your daughter. I say it only because I’m a teacher and helicopter parenting / a lack of independence in children / clinginess etc all starts somewhere!

I assume she is around three? If so nursery is beneficial mainly for socialisation reasons, learning to share, take turns and cope in an environment away from you, but you don't have to send her every day you could begin by just sending her twice a week.
If she is younger than three I don't think there are any benefits in sending her.

Just wanted to chime in and say, I was so incredibly anxious about sending my 2 year old to nursery.

He was attached to me, hated being around other toddlers and I felt that going to nursery a few hours a day a few times a week would benefit him

I was sick to my stomach and wondered “how he would cope”.

All I can say is he absolutely thrived, loves it there and settled in quite soon. I think sometimes we worry if our child will cope and it is really our own feelings that we are projecting, and perhaps “Will she cope” is really your way of “am I ready for my DD to be away from me”

Within 3 weeks our DS was comfortable around other children and joining in activities. We wish we sent him sooner,

Nursery can be very beneficial at this age. It’s a great way to prepare than for school and will help develop some independence.

I do agree with others who have picked up on you referring to your 3 year old child as your best friend and your rock. That’s a lot of pressure on a small child and suggests you rely on them for emotional support. That’s not healthy.
Your children can be your absolute priority but you shouldn’t be relying on them for friendship or emotional support. Sounds like nursery will be good for both of you.

If she is starting school soon then you need to cope with being separated from her as you will be doing her no favours.

Plus if you are a single parent and don't work I presume you are on UC. You will be forced to be working soon.

I think it helps soften the blow of being home with mum to being at school full time. Calling her your rock is a little odd and I wonder if family members are concerned by this.

I dont think you understand the definition of rock.

OP, you both need to start spending time apart from each other. It's not healthy for anyone to have "their whole world" revolve around another person. It's suffocating, and sets up both of you for problems in the future.

I would say send her.
firstly it gets her use to leaving you as she will have to for school.
Thenursery will help prepare her for school.
Getting use to the social side/making friends.
Good for you to get use to breaks from her too.

I’ve worked in reception and it’s always very obvious who hasn’t attended nursery

Really not even sure this is a real post.

You’re obviously a very, very attached parent. But I think avoiding nursery so you can be attached at the hip 24/7 is just kicking the can down the road.

She has to go to school eventually (unless you’ll home ed), and I think you’re running a real risk that she (and you) will have a much harder time with simple things like drop offs because neither of you can cope.

Then there’s sleepovers with friends, residential stays with school…as she ages, there will be so many opportunities for her to gain independence from you.

I’m afraid that I think you’re holding her back. You say she’s sociable with other kids. That’s great. Let her go meet more, to be content around new adults. Prepare her gently for whats to come in a couple of years.