New year, same disappointment

[Beebot123]

Happy new year everyone! I'm currently lying in my bed feeling the same disappointment I have done every year for about 5 years now. Every year we do absolutely nothing. NOTHING for new years. I have expressed many many times that I would like to do something. It doesn't need to be that we go to a pub, it could be we go to the beach to watch the fireworks. Drive somewhere else and watch fireworks. Just something. Anything.
I'm 36 and I have NEVER gone out for New Year's Eve. We've never done anything as a family. My partner wants to sit in the house and do nothing.
I had my first child at 20. Prior to that my partner didn't want to go out either - we went to his parents a couple of times and that was it. Since having my first child I've stayed in. My partner also was a taxi driver for 5 years too so we couldn't do anything then either. It's so so so frustrating. I've asked to do something and this year he agreed but he came in from work and said "I've spoke to someone and they said not to do that" I then said let's just go down the beach then and he said "why?" So now I'm in bed, disappointed and upset that another year is starting disappointingly.
AIBU?

That’s not in the spirit…

YANBU to want to do something, but YABU not organising something yourself. Make 2026 the year you take agency and do the things you want to do.

Go out with your friends!

I'm confused why you keep asking him to go out. He doesn't want to. If he says yes to please you and changes his mind later, then why didn't you make plans to do something with your kids or friends without him?

When I was growing up, my father never wanted to go on holiday. So he stayed at home and we went without him. The alternative would have been the whole family stayed at home which would be ridiculous.

Next year take control and arrange something
I wouldn’t go out for love nor money but always have a plan
This year spending NYE with friends - gad an Indian takeaway - played online quizzes and had a few drinks - sleeping over and had a chilled but pleasant time

I don't think the OP is wrong to be sad her DP is not on the same page as her but it won't change anything. The OPs partner obviously doesn't want to go out for NYE and that's unlikely to change, so she either has to accept that and make peace with it or go out without him.

if you had planned something and then your partner had let you down... would you not be sad?

Sure.
I certainly wouldn't repeat the same thing year after year though.
You could have planned something else knowing he probably wasn't going to be any different this year. Surely this is on you 🤷‍♀️

Yes this. You know now he'll duck out last minute so make a plan with someone else.

An NYE night out is a nightmare. How about going out in the day?

We have a 7 yo so went for a 45 min country walk, late pub lunch then back home for snacks, champagne and films. Last year we did a reflecting on the year and making wishes for the next one, that was nice but wasn’t into it this year (lot going on).

I suppose what I’m trying to say is maybe your OH doesn’t want a NYE night out, but there are other ways to mark the occasion.

Stop planning with him and go out yourself. If you plan something you really really want and know you’d enjoy then you won’t feel let down when he bails. Take some initiative here.

He's a nasty piece of work who needs to be kept away from his children because he doesn't like going out on NYE? What do you mean when you say that the children have been damaged enough?

Yes I’d be sad. And pissed off. And I would make damn bloody sure that next NYE? I had plans with other people and he could bollocks.

Could you book to do something (for example a hotel stay/meal at a restaurant) and save up for it over the year. It’ll give you something to look forward to and a guarantee that you’ll have plans next year.

I'm sorry your DH changed his mind at 10pm, that's frustrating.

Would he mind if you went out with a friend without him next NYE?

I don't completely understand your disappointment. But he's now done this to you multiple times. So next year its to time for you to make plans that don't include him. Friends or family or maybe a trip. And he can come or not but he is not part of the plan. So when at the last minute he lets you down, it doesn't matter and you go anyway.

You could go to the pub or to a firework display or whatever is happening locally. There is no law that you have to be accompanied by a man every time you leave the house, unless you are somehow posting from Afghanistan or Iran.

This used to be me, so I started inviting friends around for a meal/ get together as there were surprisingly quite a few thar couldn't go out ( no baby sitters etc) the kids all came when they were younger and as they got older just their parents came and the whole affair got a lot more sophisticated!

See I was reading this post and first thought popped into my head “why can’t she just plan something herself?” But then I quickly realised I’m also the same as you! I know it’s do hard and difficult to plan things and we just want our other halves to take the lead and do it. I think both of us need to have a little more confidence and not be scared of doing things alone. Start thinking what you want for next year and make it happen.

If he says no then go out anyway. You're together but you're not glued at the hip. You can do things separately now and then. Most couples do.

I think the problem here is you know your DH doesn’t like doing anything for New years, a lot of people don’t, and you think he will magically change.
You need to forward plan not spending new years with him next year if you want to go out. Plan to go out with family/friends instead. You can’t change the fact that he doesn’t want to go out, but you can change who you choose to spend New Year’s Eve with.

Next year, organise something he can’t ruin at the last minute. Invite a crowd round to celebrate at your house. Plan a night out with friends (invite him but if he drops out last minute you can still go) etc etc.

"I've spoke to someone and they said not to do that" - what a massive loser!

Next New Years make plans with someone else!!

This!
I get that you want to spend NYE with your dh but if not doing something makes you fell so sad and let down then arrange something, if he lets you down last minute then go out and have fun.
Stop putting him above what you want.

He keeps letting you down so that's it, he's not included in your NY plans next year. He obviously isn’t bothered about the occasion and you are -It's no big deal. Plan to do something alone for 2027 or with a pal. Job done.

My DH is like this. It’s a control thing. I’ve had to become very hard over the years. There’s a pattern to it. I might say “I would really like to visit X”. First, he will say something like “Why do you want to do that? Bill has been and says it’s not that good”. I’ve learnt to stay calm & have one or two answers up my sleeve- Bill is Bill and I am me - but also to say “if you don’t want to come, it’s not a problem, I’ll go by myself”. A few times I’ve assumed at this stage that I really will go alone, but he almost always relents. It has even meant hiring a car to take myself off to some place or other, or booking something just for me and later adding him.

It is hugely undermining, OP. You have to be strong and to take agency. It might mean doing some things alone, but that’s better than missing out.

Afterwards I —take great pleasure— take time to tell him: “See, wasn’t that fun? We could have done it so many years before if you agreed then”. I also remind him how pleasant it is when he collaborates & when we do things together.

It is incredibly hard work but usually they see sense after a few goes. 🤣 Like having a toddler, really. I hear him telling others “BB is very determined”. You bet I am!
Don't let him suck the life out of you.