Not invited to events with siblings and parent

[thefrugaldime]

I'll keep this brief but I'd value feedback- if you were continuously not invited to events that your mum and siblings had arranged how would you feel? Am I unreasonable to feel hurt?

I think it depends on the type of event they are going to. Maybe they acknowledge that the other child has complex needs and don't want to keep inviting the sister and child as it would sound like they are unaware that the event would be something they wouldn't enjoy. As someone above pointed out, if the activity is sitting for an hour and the child cannot do that, then it's not fair for anyone to place them in that situation.
The solution though is to ensure they try and look at activities that would be suitable (so look for Sen sessions, speak to the mum about what would work) so that they aren't always appearing to do things without them.

The solution is to communicate with the OP, not exclude her.

Sadly it will be the complex needs of your child and you know this as its happened before. Very hurtful though that your parents and siblings have excluded you without having the decency to talk to you about it and then to give no explanation. Can you also expand on the childhood trauma you suffered, was it just you or all of your siblings?

I knew as soon as I read the OP you were going to say you had a disabled child. I have two severely disabled children so I get it. It's wrong if your family make no effort to include him in anything.

That said, you're being completely disingenuous saying you don't understand how it's a relevant factor. If your child has complex needs there's no way you really live your life "not seeing it" as that would imply that he doesn't have needs that are noteworthy let alone complex.

If your family were making some attempts to include your child sometimes, I wouldn't be too hard on them. Taking a severely disabled child places changes the dynamic very significantly and the other children will be affected.

I do understand how hard this is though and I think you need to wise up to how much society will exclude your child and not bury your head in the sand.

No, I think everyone should have an independent adult relationship with their parents that is separate from siblings, partner, grandchildren, etc. It’s normal and healthy to do things 1 to 1 with your parent.

I don’t have any parents anymore or siblings, but definitely Dh does things with MIL much more regularly than BIL does. In fact, I’d venture to say she sees Dh about 10 times for every 1 time she sees BIL. BIL doesn’t have children and I think just isn’t that motivated to see her. We make more of an effort.

Even if it was equal, I’d still expect them to do things without the other. I do things with one of my children and not the other regularly. Days out, nights away, holidays. They aren’t unequal, but they are different because they have different interests and we have different relationships (both equally close). Particularly if your child has different needs to other grandchildren, I realistically think that means the relationship will be different, not worse, not less, but they probably need a more 1 to 1 relationship, which really should benefit your child more than anything if done right.

Some of you need to calm down on here

Having a child with complex needs does make exclusion likely in an ableist world. Not right but it happens xx

Quite agree, don't think you have interpreted my post correctly

YABVU to have posted a question which no-one can answer without the context.

You later drip feed the information about having a dc with complex needs, but then , after that claim the complex needs don't impact, so which is it?

But, clearly none of us can tell, without history and context. Which makes this a rather pointless thread.

Massive drip feed about the complex needs.
I knew it was going to be that from just reading the OP even though she hadn't mentioned it.
It's sad and you are probably in denial about being that but unfortunately that's most likely the reason.
I don't agree with the way they've handled it though. They should have spoken to you about it.
What kind of events are they excluding you from? Maybe it's things that they know will overwhelm your child and lead to a meltdown which is very upsetting for everyone involved. But if that's the reason they should talk to you about it and also plan some events which your child would be better able to manage as well as doing some of the other things without you.

"it was not mentioned when we were altogether 2 weeks ago. I found out because it was put on FB after the event took place. The reason I have been given is- well I haven't, they could not provide one just apologised for me feeling that way."

Well.. they haven't really responded then have they.. so you still don't know WHY.

I'd feel like going back and saying something along the lines of

It's not just that you have jointly excluded me, you make it so much worse by doing the following:

1. you have all done this many times.
2. You deliberately kept silent about it when we met two weeks ago
3. But you all have no problem publicising it on Facebook AFTER the event. You knew I'd see and that just rubs salt in the wound.

Your "apology". "I'm sorry you feel that way." is not an apology at all. Its not apologising for your actions which have made me "feel that way." And not giving me a reason, just leaves me to wonder why and try to work it out for myself. If you are bold enough to put it on facebook, then you should be able to tell me why to my face.

But that may be too strong wording for the relationship to bear... Is there any one of them that you could ask to tell you the truth - however unpalatable?

On the other hand. You invited them all to your place... and they all turned up. There is some reassurance in that for you.

Maybe its just habit, thoughtlessness or convenience, rather than a deliberate attempt to hurt you, but if that is the case, you need them to tell you.

Do you and your children behave appropriately in social situations?

@thefrugaldime

@@pimplebum@Owly11
No we were all very close. However we went through periods of significant trauma as children Myself and my husband manage our son as best we can he's doing great these days- if we were out and a meltdown ensued then one of us would intervene and take them away from the situation
Its happened for a number events now

I think it must be your DS and his meltdowns

Do you have any idea what might be motivating this from their perspective? Are they worried that these meltdowns might not be safe at these events? Are they worried that it might be too much for you to manage and they wrongly think it's kinder not to ask?

You don't have to agree but I think you'll get a lot further if you try and see what their reasoning could be.

OP i have read your update about your child having complex needs unfortunately that's probably why you are being excluded. I have a child with complex support needs and we have often been excluded when he was younger because of both families perception about what he can and cant cope with. Note I say perceptions ones that are based on what they THINK my child can cope with not what he actually can cope with. This is despite barely knowing him as they have made no effort to get to know him!

Do yourself a favour back of from these people. Stop inviting them to events, stop arranging family events when they have made it clear family invites only includes those without disabled children. Accept if your not invited your not welcome and always remember that they are likely doing this because your child is disabled.

What kind of people do that? Ask yourself are these really the people want around your children? I did all this and made peace with my decision to pull back and most importantly to protect my children from this horrible behaviour. Protect your peace at all costs.

To be honest your posts are like getting blood from a stone so you can't really blame anyone for misinterpreting the information. It's like knitting fog!

Have you tried asking them?