Not invited to events with siblings and parent

[thefrugaldime]

I'll keep this brief but I'd value feedback- if you were continuously not invited to events that your mum and siblings had arranged how would you feel? Am I unreasonable to feel hurt?

As with all these things always huge back stories

I always did loads of things with my DM and my DC, I didn’t think
to ask my sibling as they are capable of arranging their own activities with our DM.

Are the children different ages so not suitable for yours?

Has there been a falling out between you and another person going?

Is it a distance thing? Is it an activity you are not likely to enjoy? Eg drinking and you are sober? Steakhouse and you are vegan?

Are the others nearby each other and you are further away?

One of my friend’s children wasn’t invited this Christmas but her other children were. Reasons were the uninvited child only ever contacts to borrow money that they rarely repay, they chain smoke roll ups upwards of 100 a day and the smell is overwhelming, they blew out some dental appointments this year that my friend had already spent £1000 on - which was lost ( teeth rotten due to smoking ) and the final straw was when the persons daughter aged two turned up also with rotten teeth.

I think there’s usually a reason and people are fast to go ‘no contact’ with what they view as a toxic parent but rarely understand that sometimes parents also have red lines.

Yep. I think OP wants support without providing any context.

Is this a relatively new development or have you always been excluded?

By your annoying responses it might be a reasons as to why they are excluding you. Are you difficult to communicate and be around?

There has very clearly obviously been some issue, without a doubt

The only way to solve this is to ask them why. And if you don't get a straight answer, keep asking.

ALSO.
Do you want to be included?

• Are you in fact interested in the events they attend together?
• If not, could you suggest some events you would all like and just go to those?
• Or do you just want to get together with them individually.

Do you spend time with your parents when your sibling aren’t there?

I think a few may be missing the plural of siblings in your post. This isn't OPs mum and a sibling meeting up. It's OPs mum and all other siblings. I am one of three and if my parents and both my siblings met up without me with no obvious reason why id be annoyed. But I tend to live by 'let them' if they want to meet with out me I'd let them. I'd stop making as much effort on my side and get on with my life 🤷 you can't control how others behave just how you deal with it.

We don’t ask a sibling and their family to events as we don’t get on with them or their partner. We have tried but after years of nasty behaviour from them we decided to cut ties for our own sanity and are now very very low contact. They are free to see our parents when they want and organise things with them. Funnily enough they don’t bother.

What have they said when you have asked them why you are left out? There must be a reason.

This is my reality OP but I have a covert narcissist mother and toxic family all under her spell!
You need to call them out on it - their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
If they actively listen to how you feel and perhaps do some introspection and apologise I’d say they’re potentially just being thoughtless.
If like mine, however, they turn it around and call you “too sensitive”, “you’re being silly” or my favourite “not everything is about you” then you might want to start looking at the bigger picture of their treatment of you over the years.
My sympathy OP, it’s a hurtful and confusing place to be.

Yup.

This sounds very mean of your family OP. I can't imagine planning a family social event and leaving one sibling out. How did you find out about it ? And can you think of any reason at all why they have not invited you as we have very little to go on here.

I do want to be included and I have included them to events- always inviting everyone and everyone all coming. The most recent event was about 2 weeks ago and everyone stayed at mine. The event I have been excluded from was a Xmas one- it surprises (or maybe it doesn't!) me that it was not mentioned when we were altogether 2 weeks ago. I found out because it was put on FB after the event took place. The reason I have been given is- well I haven't, they could not provide one just apologised for me feeling that way.

I was very close to my family, one of my children has complex needs and I have felt frozen out since having him. I'm sure there is more to it. Perhaps I've upset someone in some way but I have not been told that is the case.

Your manner of communication in this post suggest you are not a straight forward communicator and your inability to express and explain the problem clearly IS the problem
for sensible relevant advise I need to know

Previous history of dynamics in your family from childhood to present day ie are you the black sheep of your family ? Do you all generally get along ? Any history of being left out / ignored / abused/

any mitigating factors i.e is there any significant age gaps geographical issues that make it easier for that lot to meet up that could account for why you are left out ?

how many times has this actually happened happened ? And how have you found out about meet ups ?

@Itsseweasy yes I am told I am sensitive

That sounds tough OP, you'd hope that family would be sure to include you and your children especially with the additional challenges you face. Very selfish of them🙁

Ahhhh just seen “ complex needs” well that explains a lot more
do they just assume you can’t come because it’s too hard?
if so but shitty and ignorant of them but I am sad to tell you it’s part and parcel of the loneliness of being a sen parent - really sucks that it’s your family doing this to you , you need to have a tough conversation with them and them you and your sen child must be included

That would be it I'm afraid. Complex needs as in autism/adhd? Behaviour that can bother some? My 15 y old ASD still can get meltdowns but is generally "behaved" when outside our home now but when he was younger it could be hard. We were never excluded from family but sometimes I turned things down with friends because I knew I had to spend the whole time watching him and being ready to intervene so I didn't see the point of it.

If you are not watching and intervening I understand that they don't invite you because it can ruin it for everyone. If you do keep him close and you are proactive then I think they are not very nice people. Only you know the answer to that.

So you asked them why you were excluded and said you felt upset by it and they responded only with they were sorry you felt that way? Nothing else was said? It would be really helpful if you could be a bit more forthcoming op, this thread is like trying to get blood out of a stone! Did they invite you to things before you had your child with complex needs? What are the needs - do they impact what can be comfortably done in a social setting?