Not invited to events with siblings and parent

[thefrugaldime]

I'll keep this brief but I'd value feedback- if you were continuously not invited to events that your mum and siblings had arranged how would you feel? Am I unreasonable to feel hurt?

Yes that would feel hurtful.

Is it your mum or your Husbands mum?

So this is one event you have been 'excluded' from? Or multiple?

FWIW, I think it is perfectly normal for not everybody to be invited all of the time. My brothers regularly get together with their families. Sometimes our mum is there too. Sometimes I get together with one or other of my brothers, also sometimes with mum there too. It can get quite chaotic and busy if all of us are together with all of our families, as there at least 13 of us. Even booking a table somewhere can be a problem. Let alone trying to get that many tickets for things and accommodate ages, interests and mobility needs.

So there’s the drip feed. Do you think the fact that one of your DC has complex needs is the likely reason why you are excluded from some events?

I am sure this is hurtful.

Sorry, realise it's your mum.

Yes, that would feel hurtful. Has she been ok otherwise? Where has this come from, do you think?

This will be the answer. You have a child with complex needs. As harsh as it sounds they probably want to sometimes do things without having to adapt to fit their needs and without having to restrict what their kids are allowed to do.

It’s almost certainly the complex need thing. What are the needs? Not that it makes it right, but might explain things

@pimplebum@Owly11 No we were all very close. However we went through periods of significant trauma as children. Myself and my husband manage our son as best we can he's doing great these days- if we were out and a meltdown ensued then one of us would intervene and take them away from the situation.

Its happened for a number events now

Ah, I see a significant drip feed that I cross posted with.

@Purplewarrior hardly a drip feed, I just don't see the complex needs anymore he is doing amazing and I don't think a grandparent should/ would either which is why i am not convinced it's that. One of the cousins had the same issue (now much older)- I would never not invited them for that reason, that's madness!

I think so too.

If it were me and that is the reason, I would feel hurt too.

This happened to me recently 🥲 I have 2 brothers who still live at home (27 & 30) and both parents. I was asked to look after the dog (ive done this before because they've all been away separately) in May and said no problem as I'd done the year before as no-one else was around. Thought nothing more of it and found out months later that my mum, dad, both brothers and partners had all booked a holiday in May and that's why I'd been asked to look after the dog. To say I was pissed is an understatement. My mum isn't herself since she had a brain tumor removed about 2.5 years ago, I just can't get over the fact that not 1 person thought to ask me why I wasn't coming or check with me etc.. ive dkne a lot over the years for noth my brothers and parents. Im 40 shortly so there is an age gap but still. My mum put it down to the fact I have my own family now (just me and DH and my BIL & SIL) and that was that. Gutted! It hasn't changed how I see things now. It's there house against mine if that makes sense? Im often left out of conversations as I'm out of sight and out of mind

Your not being Unreasonable or sensitive. Everyone going to event's and not even inviting you is shitty behaviour and their response that their sorry YOU FEEL that way is even shittier. Its not a you problem its them

10 years ago now..just finished uni and my mum asked me to look after her 2 dogs AND my brothers dog because mum dad, both siblings and all the grandchildren had booked a family holiday to our/my favourite holiday destination 🫠 i would have loved a holiday to celebrate all my hard work thanks for asking 😆 🤣

Well if you absolutely don’t believe your DC complex needs are a factor, despite stating that your family started excluding you from the time he arrived, I guess you have no explanation…

I think the issue is the events they are going to are ones that might be too much for your child. It is sad you miss out but I expect it would be hard on you if you tried the activity and your child had a meltdown because of it.
Could you look at special SEN sessions when it comes to Christmas events and then invite your family along to those times?

I am sorry to tell you, since you don't seem to believe it, that some people don't enjoy spending time with kids with complex needs, especially when that involves meltdowns, and even when that child is a family member. Just because you don't see his needs any more it doesn't mean they don't. I would guess with a high level of confidence that this is the reason your family exclude you. And then they turn it round on you and say you are too sensitive. They are not nice people. Fuck em and find your own tribe/new family.

Possible reasons:

you live a long way away (ridiculous example but my brother lives in New Zealand so isn’t invited to most uk stuff unless we already know he is over)

you do antisocial stuff - eg use drugs, etc which means parents/siblings don’t want to around/fund you difficult to be around

historic situations eg siblings have had major rows about stuff and really don’t like each other so parents see separately

space - my SIL had 7 children and PIL simply couldn’t fit all 13 grandchildren in the house at once

ah, I see you have posted you have a child with complex needs. That’ll be it,

It’s very hurtful and nasty and unfortunately the common factor for the cause of this is your dc with complex needs which makes it all the worse. I would call them out on their bad behaviour. What shitbags they are.

This happens in dh family. The females all do things together and he or our kids never get invited. My MIL has a very set idea that daughters are closer to there mothers. She doesn't recognise this is a self fulfilling prophecy as she is isolated her son so much.

@thefrugaldime

I know it's so painful to contemplate when the 'exclusion' comes from your own family, but since you can't think of a reason and they apparently come to your home then Occam's Razor says you are being excluded due to your child's behaviour. I understand that it is due to their complex needs, I'm not saying they're a 'brat' when I say 'behaviour'.

Your only option is to either accept things as they are or speak to the most 'sympathetic' of your family and ask them straight out "I really need to understand why we're being excluded. Is this due to XX's meltdowns?" and if so, if there is anything they feel you are not doing to ameliorate them. What they think you should do may not be possible, but at least it will let you know what they're thinking.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. But this may be one time where there are two sides to a story and either they just don't get it or perhaps you aren't doing enough or acting quickly enough. The only way to know is to ask.

I do things - events, holidays -with one sibling and our parents and exclude the other sibling. That's because the other sibling helped a paedophile when he was caught asking children for nude photos. My parents still see that sibling but somebody who'd do that will never be welcome around my DC.

There are sometimes reasons for family estrangements.

Can you give a more detailed explanation of your childhood trauma?

What form do your child's special needs take? If, for example, he cannot cope with sitting and listening for an hour or so, it is an unfortunate fact that he probably won't get many invitations to the panto or carol concert.

I knew this would be the case. People are remarkably primitive. They exclude the disabled all the time, even close relatives whom they codon to love. I’ve seen it over and over again.

*claim