AIBU to ask ex to have the children on his two days off work

[NewYearsEve2025]

I’ve been split from my ex for 6 months and he has been having the children on one of his days off from work. He works full time and I am a stay at home mum to our 3 children (11, 9 & 2) with additional needs. I asked him yesterday to start having them on both of his days off from January so I can work on those two days but he says I’m being unreasonable because he should get one day a week to himself to do his hobbies or whatever and because I work for myself from home “it’s not really working” and apparently I get loads of time to myself which is laughable to be honest because our 2 year of is almost surgically attached to me and screams if left alone.

I’ve said I’m not stopping him from having days to himself but he will just need to sort childcare on those days instead of expecting me to be free childcare.

am I being unreasonable to expect him to step up and do this?

Yanbu, but you can't force him unfortunately.

Even if contact is court ordered they don't have to show up.

I wish I had done advice for you, but the system is absolutely shit, so you have my sympathies instead 💐

Does your youngest get free 15 hours a week childcare (are you on UC?). Can you not work while the kids are in school?

Is your 2 year old at nursery OP?

Our 2 year old doesn’t get free nursery until after Easter

I can’t work while the older two are in school because my 2 year old can’t be left unsupervised and the work I do is with tools that aren’t safe for him to be around.

You can expect whatever you want, but as the resident parent, there is no legal route for you to force your ex to increase his contact time. That’s just the way of the world, unfortunately.

Youre not unreasonable but neither is he. Childcare should be a joint responsibility, sadly it often isnt. Do you get any uc? Can you claim the 85% back and pay for some childcare and split that between you? If you was working, would dc be entitled to the 30hours and not 15? Not sure though

I’m not sure in regards to the childcare funding bit but I am currently doing the full childcare 6 days a week and I’m not looking for a child free day to go out and have hobbies I’m just wanting to work 2 days a week. It does seem unreasonable that I would have to cover childcare for a day so my ex can go have fun when I do free childcare on the days he works.

Could he perhaps have the children one evening a week to give you a bit of time?

You can't force him unfortunately, it's unfair on you but not sure what you can do about it! Have you asked him to contribute to childcare one day a week so you can work?

Yanbu but not sure how you can enforce it. On the other hand, you both need down time too. I think if you can claim to help with childcare cost then you should to allow you to work on one or more of those days when your other ones are in school. Also, there’s the funded childcare, I know it’s term time only and not always completely free but maybe ex can pay the difference for some days when you work so he can have a day off in a week and you also have days to work.

Answer to your question no you aren’t being unreasonable in the slightest. However unfortunately the primary parent which can be either parent usually ends up with the re end of the deal. It sounds like it’s one day every week he has the children. I would suggest going onto n every other weekend schedule at least then you will have 2days in a row. I personally found that much easier and more beneficial for work and also to get some ‘me’ down time. Sadly it can’t be enforced but it is much easier to not expect anything from the other parent xx

I would suggest he has them every Wed evening and every other weekend

We used to do Wednesday evening which included overnight once the littlies were a bit bigger and every other weekend from Friday evening to either brought back Sunday night or taken to school on Monday morning. That way we both got to plan our time and work and personal stuff. Can’t say it was always easy to work out in the early days but we got there. Wishing you the best xx

You're not unreasonable to ask him as he should take some responsibility for his children. If you're wanting to work more look into paid childcare as UC will pay up to 85% back for childcare used in your assessment period. Neither of you should be seeing one another as "free childcare" you're both parents not childcare providers. I get the frustration. My ex doesn't help with childcare either I pay for after school clubs in order to work and my older 16year old son helps on the weekends that I work (I work alternative weekends)as my ex won't he does work some weekends same as I do but he'll only have her if he gets a weekend off and doesn't see her at all during the week not even on days off work

As others have said you can ask but it’s up to him if he does or not. (would you even want them to go him if he doesn’t really want them anyway - it would be awful for your children to feel unwanted like that)

You can’t make him but you can still work by arranging childcare for your 2 year old. It might be worth seeking advice to ensure you are getting all the benefits and support you are entitled to and claiming child maintenance.

Easter is in 3 months, can you arrange nursery for 1 day with the free hours and then another day he has the DC? It’s unfair you’re left to sort it but unfortunately you can’t force him

Children get the 30 hours from 9 months old now

Def utilise the free hours.

Surely the kids don't have to be at his at the weekend he can work out childcare around school/ nursery in the week as well.

You can ask whatever you want but legally you can’t make him have the children even 1 hour a year.

Are you on UC?

What I find shit is that the non resident parent essentially has little responsibility for the child yet if thr resident parent decided to just go to work and abandon the children at home because their feckless ex is too much of a gormless shit to pull their weight. The default parent would end up in trouble. The resident parent has to run their life to convenience of the resident parent.

It’s terrible isn’t it.

Though in a way would you want your child watched by someone who doesn’t want to either.

Stop calling being a parent “providing free childcare”. You’re their mother, not their babysitter. You are NOT “providing” free anything. You’re parenting them. That’s your responsibility, not a chore. You chose to have them. What did you think would happen?

Please don’t have any more.