AIBU to ask ex to have the children on his two days off work

[NewYearsEve2025]

I’ve been split from my ex for 6 months and he has been having the children on one of his days off from work. He works full time and I am a stay at home mum to our 3 children (11, 9 & 2) with additional needs. I asked him yesterday to start having them on both of his days off from January so I can work on those two days but he says I’m being unreasonable because he should get one day a week to himself to do his hobbies or whatever and because I work for myself from home “it’s not really working” and apparently I get loads of time to myself which is laughable to be honest because our 2 year of is almost surgically attached to me and screams if left alone.

I’ve said I’m not stopping him from having days to himself but he will just need to sort childcare on those days instead of expecting me to be free childcare.

am I being unreasonable to expect him to step up and do this?

Tell him you want 50/50

Of course - he’ll have to sort childcare on his days…

bet he’ll suddenly think that doing a little bit more is a bloody good deal….

Tell your ex you have the right to work as well. He works five days a week, why is he telling you you're not allowed to do two? You need money to house, feed, clothe, and entertain three kids so working isn't optional for you. If he's not willing to take them for an extra day, then say he needs to pay for their childcare for a day! Something has to give, he can't have it both ways

Tell your ex you have the right to work as well. He works five days a week, why is he telling you you're not allowed to do two? You need money to house, feed, clothe, and entertain three kids so working isn't optional for you. If he's not willing to take them for an extra day, then say he needs to pay for their childcare for a day! Something has to give, he can't have it both ways

Oh bollocks to that. She absolutely IS providing free childcare that enables her ex to work as much as he wants, start early, finish late, do overnight trips, seek promotion etc. That's fine for a together family SAHM when she then gets to participate in some of the benefit of that but why the hell, after a split, is one parent able to do that and the other can't work even two days a week to build up their own finances, pension etc? She absolutely IS facilitating his career still and even if he is paying correct CMS it comes nowhere near correcting a balance in their opportunities to earn.

Are you getting maintenance? Is it via cms or an agreed amount? I’d say to him that in that case maintenance needs to be calculated on a higher rate than cms which is the minimum. He won’t do it of course.

he also won’t take the DC for longer to allow you to work. And you can’t force him (unless shaming him to friends and family would influence him but unlikely). The best thing you can do is plan your life as if he doesn’t exist. Then there is less chance of disappointment. Which sucks and I’m sorry for but that is the way the law works

What does that achieve?

You can’t force him to have the kids for ANY amount of time. As a PP stated, even if it’s court ordered, they don’t have to turn up.

So saying she wants 50/50 will make zero difference to him, as he simply won’t do it. Presumably he’s paying child maintenance, so right or wrong, as far as he’s concerned he doesn’t have to do anything to sweeten the deal.

I'm glad I'm not the only one pointing out the "free childcare" part of this post. I get her frustration as you'd hope that the dad would want to see and spend time with his kids. Clearly this posters ex values a break from the kids although he doesn't live with them. My ex is similar to a point. He only sees our daughter if he gets a weekend off work. He won't see her during the week as he says it's not worth the bother as she's only getting a couple of hours after school there(he doesn't live close enough as he doesn't drive to have her stay over and have him take her to school the next day). He lives a ten minutes drive so he could take a bus with her to school he has access to enough public transport. I definitely don't see myself as providing "childcare" although he makes out like he's doing me a favour if his weekend off work happens to fall on my weekend where I'm working which probably happens maybe once a month or less

No you can’t force him - but maybe making him realise when he created these kids he’s 50% responsible for them… might help focus his mind that he bloody needs to step up and do some parenting.

Twattish response.

Their father is also a parent and they're 50% his responsibility but he's not stepping up.

There both of your children and your taking care of them when he works he also has every evening for hobbies gym ect.
You not asking for time alone your asking for time to work presumably to earn money to raise your joint kids.
He is being entitled they are his kids as much as yours. Dose he just pay basic child maintenance?

He has a few options
1- He could keep 1 weekend day and overnight and add a week day in Fri or Monday giving you a full night and two days he will have to use a nursery and pay for it and Afterschool care for the week day.
2- Have a word with boss and reduce 1 day a week.
3- Have the kids for the full weekend himself.

2/7 days and 1 overnight is not a massive amount of time to raise his kids when else dose he expect to parent them. you are no longer a couple so he needs to stop relying on you for everything expecting you to take his parenting slack.

They are split up

Did he split up from his kids as well?

How is he with money? will having the kids more reduce his cms?

can you aim at that weakness- if you have the kids 2 days, it will reduce cms, I can get a job and support myself, so we can work towards 50:50 and you paying no maintenance?

would he go for that?

He should have them 50% of the time; since the two of you are split up and (I assume) no longer living together, the amount of time he spends working vs the amount you do isn't relevant in the same way that it was with one adult working full time and one SAHP in the same household. Because the relationship between he two of you has ended, you now need significantly MORE time away from the children in order to work and earn money, and perhaps to gain additional qualifications to enhance your job prospects. That means that he logically and ethically should be doing more of the hands-on childcare, for now.

As others have said, though, it's technically his choice and he could refuse to see them altogether (as, of course, could you). However, his having them extra nights (I'm not sure if you'd asked for that, or just during the day) would mean a reduction of the child maintenance you receive from him, so keep that in mind.

Years ago I worked almost full time (36 hours) but twice a week finished at 3pm to collect my son from school, I remember once saying I was glad I was about to finish, when someone said, “But you’re picking up your son so it’s not really time off”. I replied “whenever I’m not at work I’m looking after my son”. And that’s life for most people. It’s only separated parents that don’t have that. For some reason they feel they’re entitled to a child free time. Hey, you’re not! You’re a parent, anytime you’re not working you’re with you’re kid. That’s life, that’s what you chose.

Its funny that is questioned when a mother wants help the father is told to step up and help out but if a father wants help and a mother on here complains about she is told he needs to sort it out himself she is not his babysitter, the old double standard again

I think the way you are approaching this is odd.

In my view, you start from the position of what access arrangements are in the children’s best interests. Surely that will be typically every second weekend & a night during the week?

of course, if he doesn’t want to do this, you can’t make him. (I’m a divorced parent of 3, their father never shared custody of them at any point, only ad hoc occasional arrangements that suited him).

If you want to work, you need to arrange childcare, like anyone else. I recognise the UK system seems quite different to the Irish system, where the person with access on the relevant day pays for childcare, which is odd to me - the cost of childcare is absolutely accounted for by the court system here (though again, my ex dragged us through the system for a decade, during which time I paid all childcare with no assistance from him).

Working out a feasible plan for a job that works in line with your children’s ages / stages is the starting point.

(and I also agree with PP about the ‘free childcare’ line. You’re their parent.)

Exactly this. What’s the hold up with waiting until Easter, OP? You clearly need the help now

I broadly agree with this. I have parented alone since my DC were very small so yes, I worked or I was with my DC. The concept of child-free time was alien to me.

But in a couple, they can factor in time for each parent to do their hobbies, socialise or do chores in peace.

Separated parents have to make an active plan for this, hence why it gets mentioned.

Are you applying this to the sperm donor as well? He's also a parent but is doing that role for ~24 hours a week. It's also his responsibility to parent his kids. I'm sure she didn't have her kids thinking she'd be abandoned to look after pretty much by herself. Why is it assumed that the dad's can just opt out with the mums picking up the slack?

Where do you get the idea that separated parents aren't working when their kid is with the other parent? Most separated parents (mums) have to fit their work in around when their child isn't with them, same as as you do.

So he gets to come home after work, and chill/ have down time! Where as the OP has the children 6 days a week, with no break whatsoever! Why shouldn't the other parent, parent them more? Why is it all on OP? No OP is not their babysitter! But OP has stated that they have the children 6 days of the week! Why shouldn't the other parent have more responsibility? I think your response is ridiculous! You need to give your head a shake!
And saying don't have any more is completely and utterly disgusting!

Yeah because a dad who sees his kids four days a month being asked to do some extra once in a while is the same as the mum being asked to do even more than the 26/30 she already does. Unless it's 50/50 care, your point is nonsense.

Why is EOW and one weeknight best over 50/50? What you've said there is that the best arrangement for the child results in one parent, let's face it, almost always mum, being responsible for childcare costs for pretty much ALL of her working days, whilst dad gets to work with free childcare provided by the other parent, either themselves or, if they work too, they are paying the childcare that allows both to work. Maintenance is pathetic and doesn't come close to covering 50%, even assuming it's paid. Not all single parents claim UC and can get help with childcare, and even if they could, why should tax payers cover it when there is a second parent out there not contributing sufficiently?

This is not UK wide