How do you get over being left for another women?

[Doesitgetbetterever]

Three years on and I still can not get over the destruction of our family unit. It blindsided me after we was together 12 years. Children were only nursery age when this happened.

I’ve been to heaps of therapy, changed home, got a new job and still the feeling of sadness does not go. I am at such a loss at how I move forward. Christmas just feels like such a lonely time. All my friends are married and I feel like I somehow failed. I find life really hard as a single parent. I feel completely broke and I often just wonder what’s the point. I’m barely existing.

Ex long moved on and he lives and work with the women he left us for abroad, so rarely sees the children.

i feel incredibly low this evening. I feel pathetic and like I should be over this.

Is it the husband or the life you planned your mourning, I’m sure you wouldn’t take the cheater back but your family life you wanted and planned for, your kids father and the frustration you feel having to deal with it all alone is a valid reason to feel sad and upset years later.
it is all hard find something you love to do and make yourself do something for yourself every month. Go out with a friend, buy a new book, book you and the kids a little trip away.

I've been here too and it is very tough!! I got to the point where I am 'glad' he left as I took marriage too seriously to leave and, looking back, he didn't treat me that well... I've thrown myself into my career and struggled my way up despite childcare issues etc. I too have had financial worries. But there is something to be said for the peace of not being cheated on, not being gaslit etc.. for me i realised I needed to make myself happy/complete etc and i didn't need a man for that. Mine is a crap dad as well and has no insight what he puts his DC through. He has gone 10 times more selfish.

I do know people who years on haven't got over this and I feel people describe such situations as being bitter. However it is easier said than done to not have the emotional and trauma reactions!

You really have to flip this around. You are a normal person married to an abnormal man. He was a liar snd a thief.

@pikkumyy77 makes an excellent point. I think that you need to find your anger towards this horrible person, he’s a weak excuse of a parent who cba with his children, he’s pathetic.

You’re a great Mum getting on with bringing up your children, you deserve FAR better than someone like him. 💐

Very good advice here.
I recognise OP from her previous posts and she definitely allows a degree of sexual/romantic pride to hog the foreground of her thoughts in the matter, not able to swallow that rejection and see the ex’s weakness as the point of this tale. She’s keeping the early wound open, and without any reason at all, still less any use in healing her emotions.
It’s not as though there is a great love still in her heart; far from it. (She has said before that this had died before the split.)

As you advise, it’s a question of reframing the story, rearranging the prominence of characters in it.

Its been 7 months for me since I ex partner blocked me and cut me out of his life when I called him out on his cheating. He and the other woman are celebrating their one year anniversary this very night, publicly and to much fanfare. (This time last year we were booking our Summer holiday together.) Its bloody hard but you've got a lot to give to someone who isn't a dirty, lying toad. I split from my ex husband with less heartache and recovering from cheating is an entirely different pain and I think Christmas and New Year are times of reflection.

It is however, going to be alright. You have your children and whilst you're deep in the trenches now just think of all the lovely things you did together without the heavy and cumbersome weight of your ex. One day, someone will pop up who will want all of you and not decide to cheat. I know you said you've no time for dating, neither have I but it takes 5 minutes to fill out a form on a dating app. Its also quite theraputic going through and instantly recognising the ones who are playing away.

I know the grief at what you thought your life was is devastating. I get so sad at family events where couples and families are together too. I come home and cry sometimes but it gets to the point where its not 'him' I want but 'someone to call my own'. Let 2026 be the year where you work toward feeling ready to have someone to call your own.

You didn't fail. He became weak and probably always was. He made a choice to leave a loving wife and children. The internal pressure he feels to 'prove' that his new relationship world will be stifling. He'll be trying very hard to make things perfect, he will have no peace. You however, have a clear conscience, your children, a lovely home (or fun project if you've had to move) and you're not a cheating, lying scumbag. She's no better than him if she knew he was married too. Let their love nest be their love nest. The preening of highly glazed feathers doesn't mask the copious amounts of poop in the bottom of it.

To be honest I do just think you need to be less emotional about this and like see things more pragmatically. He left you for someone else, he possibly cheated on you. To my mind, he was never in love with you and your relationship with him was a facade. So although you might feel happiness at the time you were with him, it was all a facade and based on a lie. So you’re pining after a time, that you’re looking at through rose tinted glasses and that was always destined for failure as he never loved you like that. If it wasn’t her, it would have been another woman.

I really like this wisdom, helpful.

Also surely the finances side of things is just temporary anyway? That shouldn’t be a reason you’re pining for your ex. Ultimately yes, two income households are easier than single income households but you don’t need him in particular to become a two income household again.

Have you made any steps towards furthering your education or career?

separately, there may be ways to reduce your living expenses or increase benefits etc.

And maybe in the future, you might find someone new yourself where this whole period on time living on just your income is temporary and fleeting.

But there’s so many solutions to this, that don’t involve your ex.

I’m sorry. It sounds so hard.

I know it’s not much of a consolation but there are many, many women in your situation. Not all men are shits but a lot of them are.

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? Is your ex paying what he should?

It’s hard, but you just need to plough on and try to be happy. You have your two lovely daughters and you can build a future and be happy.

(For what it’s worth, my husband didn’t leave me for his other woman as she didn’t want him. She’s happy with her rich husband, just wanted him as a bit on the side, didn’t care about his wife and kids. And I think he probably didn’t actually want to leave. Just wanted to have his cake and eat it. So he’s here. Although would it have been different if she’d wanted him to leave? Who knows. So he’s is here… But he has broken me and I will never be the same again.)

How on earth do you know she has 'chosen' to not get on with it?!

Honestly, the pushing yourself to be ok about it will just create resistance. Because why should you be ok about being treated poorly and left to parent alone? Of course it's not fair. You've been through a huge loss, not just him, but the life you hoped for

I'm a psychologist by trade and the "growing around grief/loss" model is by far the most helpful I've found. Time doesn't shrink the size of the loss, or lessen the pain of it, but we have to gradually make our lives expand around the loss, so it doesn't take up as much of the space day to day.

What can you do to look to expand outwards and to grow the parts of your life further that have been established since you started afresh after he went? What are you proud of that you/your kids have achieved for yourselves? What do you want to do more of or less of?

I’m a single parent too, and I understand feeling angry and upset about the breakup. The fact he’s still continuing to treat your children so badly instead of stepping up to his responsibilities is part of the problem - hard to move forward when something is still happening.

But, I think that your life will be happier if you focus on you. Pour some of your energy into your career and work out a way that you can earn more and progress at work.

I also think that you’ll be able to get more perspective if you can work out a way to get some time for yourself. Do you have any family who can have the kids for the odd weekend? Would they enjoy something like pgl if they’re old enough? Do you have mum friends who you could offer reciprocal sleepovers with? Can their dad have them? Ideally try and work 4 days a week so that you’ve got some time/headspace the last day.

Echoing PPs re antidepressants. I’m not ashamed to say they got me through my ex cheating and leaving. He has also moved on, earns significantly more than me and has a much healthier work/life balance than I do and is behaving like the Disney dad.

I’m focussing on not giving a shit which is hard when there is so much injustice. However that is only ever going to affect me, and I don’t want that. I won’t allow for him to continue to dictate my feelings. My aim is indifference, and I’m nearly there.

OP I get it. The sheer shock and anger of being made a fool of. Every life plan being suddenly stalled. The relentless parenting.

I am here as someone a couple of decades on and very happy with my lot. I feel that I ‘won’ overall. I got my amazing children. My independence. Once mine were old enough to walk to school I was able to work more on my career and now am financially comfortable and fulfilled.

I don’t really care about my ex but a karma story seems appropriate to share here. He was a disappointing husband and father and the children have no respect for him. He didn’t change and worked his way through a few women until the last one left when he became very badly disabled. He is now alcoholic and lonely and badgering the children to visit more.

He has done you a favour. It’s sad you don’t get a good one but it’s not your fault at all. It’s not you. You will be OK.

This isn't as helpful as you think it is.

I think it’s possible accept the pain and sadness without letting them define you. I agree with pp who suggested a gratitude journal.

Realistically the core of your situation is not going to change much soon. Your children will continue to need you and it’s hard to be a single parent, finances are a constant worry, it’s a slog. It also sounds as if you actually are doing it all, which is super impressive.

The idea that you should have moved on, you should be happy, right now I think that just adds more burden on top of everything else you have to carry. Don’t focus on what he is doing, don’t focus on what you think life should feel like, focus on being proud of what you are doing to care for your kids and glad of any small blessing that comes your way. Be open to connect with people, you don’t have to hide your sadness but it’s not the center of who you are either.

You’re still going and that is a huge achievement in itself.

Because I know her well. It's been 35 years and she's still really bitter. A series of decisions she made has left her here, e.g. choosing not to have many friends, choosing not to look for another partner.

I don't want to derail the thread with this especially as OP has acknowledged the comment and there is a psychologist and people with direct experience.

OP is looking for help and I don't want to put too much pressure on her by saying she can choose to move on or not but I definitely think in the case I've mentioned there has been a choice not to move on. Perhaps MIL was worried that if she did "get over it" it would mean "it" wasn't that bad.

My view is that we only have one life and I hope OP can make the most of hers. It's really sad that OP feels worthless and a failure when most people would not think that and would be judging her ex for buggering off abroad. There has been lots of good advice on this thread, OP I hope you can find your happiness and not be defined by your ex.

I think you need to be an awful lot kinder to yourself here op.
The fact that you didn’t know? Good god, I think we’ve all been fooled a time or two. Some of these fuckers are so sneaky and so devious and so well practiced at it, that they can pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. You weren’t the first and you won’t be the last. But, he did not “make a fool” of you! He made a fool of himself. He showed the world what a revolting, cock addled tosser he really is. How embarrassing, for him. He has merely cemented that opinion by fucking off abroad and ditching the children. Would you ever even dream of doing that? Of course not, only a self obsessed narcissist would.

Being left as the sole parent is shit, I agree, because it all falls to you. But, you ARE doing it, everyone is safe, fed, warm, loved, looked after. And, as they get older, it will get easier. You are showing your mettle, every single day. Your life and your time is so precious op and your head space is limited. Don’t waste one more second considering this dickweed or the daft bint he’s with. You’ve far, far better things to do.
Sending a very unmumsnetty hug your way op. Let 2026 be the year you finally leave this turd behind and focus on YOU. Good luck xx

I think the big challenge is to let go off what your life should have been and embrace what it is. I think the fact you have nobody to share the parenting with is the biggest challenge tbh.

Try and separate your thoughts / feelings. Worrying about your future, finances etc and the challenges that go with lone parenting are totally separate from not being able to get over what your ex did. Focus on these, is there anything you can do differently? How old are your kids now? Mine older two are both at secondary and school pick ups etc aren’t so much of an issue now!

OP, this is the worst time of year for it. I've just had my 3rd Xmas without the ex-H (after 26 years together) and it's tough. I think you're being hard on yourself - there's no magical set timescale for healing, you're grieving not for the man who left you, but the life you thought you would have. You thought you'd be raising your DC together in a family unit, but instead you're doing it alone. Please pat yourself on the back that you are doing this, and able to. You will have an incredible bond with your daughters because of this.
How is your support network? Family and friends have completely carried me during the past 3 years, and I'm so grateful to them all. Look to strengthen and expand this in the coming year. My DC are older, so I think it's easier on me - they are more independent, I can go out and leave them etc - so bear in mind, this isn't forever. Every year that passes, your daughters become more independent - and you will have more time for yourself to develop new friendships and relationships, and work on career/fulfilling hobbies & interests. Be kind to yourself.

Not choosing to look for another partner doesn’t mean your MIL has decided not to move on, what an immature suggestion. OP is on antidepressants - obviously likely for depression, if she could just ‘choose’ not to be unhappy I’m sure she would.

It sounds to me like you have almost PTSD from your experience with him. This may not be a tking therapy thing, i wonder if there is another form of trestment you could consider? Also is he paying enough?

I have just returned to this post today and I want to say thank you to every single one of you who has taken the time to reply. So much incredible advice and I am so grateful.

I really do want to move forward into the new year with more positivity and less dwelling. I go through periods of feeling I’m doing really well and then something happens (usually related to the man showing up again and demanding contact) and it feels like everything falls apart. I can’t explain it but it feels controlling. But I think I am allowing this person who should have no relevance have this power over me. I allow this person to guilt me into feeling bad for his own absence and I don’t know why I even listen to his opinion of me.

I am heading out for a walk shortly (lucky to live somewhere beautiful) so I will take it as an opportunity to think.

I do have an incredible group of friends and I am fortunate I do know that. The hard part is that people are so busy particularly at this time of year with their family units it can feel quite lonely with only young children around.

I would love to be able to work more I just can’t seem to logistically navigate it without feeling immense guilt as my children get sad about always being in holiday clubs.

I will arrange a medication review as a poster previously suggested too thank you.

I have 6 years until my youngest is at secondary school. I would love to focus on retraining in that time.

Does anybody have advice on something worth studying? I am 38 currently.

She's mourning the life she was entitled to expect when this man agreed to be her life partner and be faithful to her, on which basis they went on to have two children together.
She's mourning the fact that due to no fault or desire on her part she is struggling practically and financially as a single parent when she thought she be part of a supportive family unit.
Obviously.