Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

That's so terrible.... I'm really sorry.

That sounds really good of you to facilitate contact with birth mother like that. I can see the benefit in that kind of scenario. I do think some people on this thread are forgetting that grey area : a person may be well-meaning and safe in a controlled setting, but extremely dangerous as a primary carer, especially if unable to keep dangerous people away.

It wasn't snobbish reasons. It was traceability, them having to spend their lives explaining their names and straight away makeing it identifiable that they are likely adopted ( it's not a secret but it's their choice who they share it with)

That's completely understandable : why should their names have to be a source of stress?

A lot of adoptees surely do. But then many do want to trace birth parents for various reasons. Blanket 'birth parent = stranger you once met' etc language is not suitable as not everyone will feel that way.

Exactly.

That's awful...international adoption definitely needs more safeguards/scrutiny.

That' isn't true : biological connection can be hugely important to many people.

I'm not adopted but I've never had any contact with my bio father who is frankly an extremely horrible person, and I have no desire to. So I strongly sympathise with adoptees who don't : rhetoric about how to must feel a gap is wrong

But some people do, maybe many, and that must be taken into account.

Please reflect on the information that you receiving. Screams of,
—white person tells black person how black people feel—
Of course adopters and adoptees know best and definitely should be the loudest voices on the subject.

How dare you. I can't and won't divulge the reasons my children went into care, but I will say my eldest and their older siblings were hospitalised from neglect.

I'm not some sort of middle class saviour. I wanted to adopt children and unfortunately there are children that require adoption.

I am proud that they are safe and happy, and I can keep them that way by them not being traceable whilst they are little. Yes there names are changed, yes live a nice life. That is because it would be dangerous, potentially deadly for them to remain in the birth family.

I'm not a saviour. I'm not a perfect Mum. Some days I really lose my mind, but I won't be accused of taking working class children and making them middle class like I kidnapped them for some sort of classist gains.

It’s absolutely fine that your adopted children will transcend the class of their birth. Who would not want better things for society’s most vulnerable children? My AD1’s birth mum is so notorious that she was ASBO’d from our area. My AD1 passed the 11+ for one of only two selective grammar schools in our area. I am not well off as I have had to give up m careeer - because adoption - but I am paying for AD2 to have weekly 11+ tutoring. Because we have signed up to improve the lives of our children. Please ignore any silly beggars here.

My CAREER!

A quick google and this came up :
Characteristics of children needing adoption — Many are older (over 5), part of sibling groups, from ethnic minorities, or have disabilities/special needs—groups historically harder to place, with disproportionate waits.

This made me think : older? Is this partly due to the system giving birth parents too many chances? Or simply pushing the boat out to try and keep the birth family functional (which is desired ofc, but obviously not possible for many..).

Ethnic minority- I understand trans-racial adoption has become increasingly controversial. Yes, ideally cultural & ethnic differences would be accounted for, and they are important.. But if only white adoptive parents are available, this shouldn't hinder the child being adopted. There's some interesting work in the US on the possibility that past atrocities like sterilisation of black and Native American women has meant that social services are now overly cautious of removing children and putting them up for (likely transracial) adoption. I don't know if that applies here though, obviously history is different.

Otoh I've read some claims that fir various reasons ethnic minorities are less likely to volunteer to adopt. But is that true? And if so, how could it be changed?

Thirdly, are ethnic minority children then more likely to be in need of adoption? Or are they just often left not adopted (due to various reasons, eg. Racial difference would make adoption immediately obvious, concern about ethics of transracial adoption)

If you read what I’ve written you’ll see you’re agreeing with me - adopters are an important part of the story too. And as a mixed race woman I find your analogy embarrassing and reductive. People who don’t experience racism talk about it all the time and sometimes they have good intentions and good points. That’s the thing about the big old world we live in together, people experience it differently and have views on it. I value my white friends who are anti-racist (though some white people seem to think it’s nothing to do with them). It’s possible to stand up for and represent the experiences of loved ones who are adopters and adoptees without being either. You call it ignorance, others call it being an ally or an advocate. We don’t have to agree, but you’re not automatically right either.

Brilliant post, thank you

This was what I thought. If it genuinely were in the child’s best interests to maintain contact, why wouldn’t loving adopters agree? Being a parent means putting the child first. Adopting parents are not entitled to a clean break or fresh star where the child’s birth family is wiped out.

Brilliant post, thank you

Absolutely 💯. People's ignorance and assumptions amaze me..I'm not a perfect adopter, suffer from endless regret and guilt that I didn't get it right and that maybe they would have been better staying with their birth parent and more help being given to parent to the point that my adopted 20 year old now is being very firm with me to stop apologising and taking on this responsibility and that she absolutely doesn't want contact with her birth mum (after having it again at 18) and that despite the trauma and the mistakes we have all made she would have been much worse off if she had not come to me and we have had a conflicted relationship so I know she's not just telling me what I want to hear. I've had some harrowing jobs working with high risk domestic abuse survivors and children's social care but being an adopted mum of a 4 and 5 year old has been the hardest thing I have ever done so really those breeders telling us we have a Saviour complex can just do one. You try and come back telling me about it then because frankly if we didn't do it who would and what would happen to them. They fare better than those who have had to go to children's homes because they are too old to be adopted and I agree with OP that anything that puts off adopters needs to be removed because its an imperfect system but a necessary one sadly. Children are only removed in extreme circumstances but they need homes to go to and those people need help to do it.

I completely agree with this.

The public sector talks a lot of centring the child. But the private sector only considers the desire of the potential parent. The impact on the child of how they are conceived is irrelevant. But it should not be.

Terrible as infertility is, no one has a right to a child, or a right to acquire a child in whatever manner possible.

I don’t agree with surrogacy or donor eggs or sperm. In terms of donor eggs or sperm, Deliberately conceiving children who will have no contact, or even real knowledge of their biological mother or father is morally wrong. I can’t even begin to imagine the impact of knowing your Father was an unknown bloke who wanked off for money, and had zero interest in ever knowing you. There are children conceived by both donor eggs and sperm. They will never know either biological parent. It’s just wrong.

Tbf now sperm and egg donors have to give details so probably people are more likely to do it now only if they are open to future contact, especially as DNA sites & SM enable tracing more.

That’s interesting. So you would be happy taking lessons from white people about racism if they are ‘allies’? About what it is and the best ways of dealing with it? Just like you’ve been lecturing and hectoring adopted people on this thread. Nope - thought not. So why are you sticking your oar in about the experiences adopted people have when you have no experience yourself? You are absolutely tone deaf. How would you feel if a black person was accused of point scoring when explaining their experiences of racism? Would that ever be acceptable?

Just to clarify- are black people not always right about their experiences of racism? Do they have a chip on their shoulder?

I think there are some reasons that contact should be kept with wider family. I know a case where a relative took care of the child but they fell pregnant so would have had 3 children under 2, and was suffering from pnd after the birth, she asked SS for help which didn’t happen, their option was we’ll remove them from your care, had to take child to the petting zoo, where prospective parents loved the child until they found out about additional needs. By the time the child was taken the carer was over pnd and didn’t want child to go. Anyway 6 months on adoptive parents decided they don’t want the child anymore and would prefer a baby without additional needs, luckily the family member is being put forward to adopt the child. Those prospective adoptive parents are being paid £750 a week and are known to turn down the kids as soon as it’s getting time to actually adopt, which is horrendous for all those children.
so although I agree in principle I do think there are exceptions and help should be given for children to stay with extended family, including financial help rather than large sums of money going to agency fosters.

Oh piss off with your £750 a week! Adoption has cost me my professional career and I live in penury. Adopters do not get paid for adopting. Early permanence adopters who dual qualify as foster carers may get allowances. I would be amazed if this is in the region of £750 a week.

Those prospective adoptive parents are being paid £750 a week and are known to turn down the kids as soon as it’s getting time to actually adopt, which is horrendous for all those children. This is pure fantasy.

That was the least of what the previous poster was saying, though. It was about a tiny child being trifled with and rejected by prospective adopters.