Post adoption contact has ruined the chance of adoption for so many children

[Popcornhero]

I am a paediatrician, Mum of three children (who arrived by adoption) and have several foster carer and social worker friends. I keep seeing children no longer getting adopted now there is an expectation for face to face contact with birth families.

I have seen this through work recently, and today was chatting to a foster carer friend who was saying how many children in their fostering network are no longer being adopted. Shehas a 14 month old in her care, who she's been approached to keep as a long term foster as he's been up for adoption for a year with no one to take him.

The rules now around face to face contact with birth families have meant adoption rates have plummeted. I'm so angry about it. Children deserve a fresh start with their new family & they aren't getting it because needs of birth parents are being prioritised.

Some research suggests adoptees would have liked more contact, but there is a bias in the literature. It's those most affected by the adoption that are coming forward not those who grew up and moved on and adoption is only one part of their story.

I know we wouldn't have adopted it we had had to maintain face to face contact with the birth family. They are our children and they have a lovely protected life. We changed our children's names to give them a better chance in life ( they had for example names like Thor, Loki and Renesmee and are now, Theo, Luca and Esme) **just an example. We never send photos so they can be captured in birthday parties and their identity remains safe. They know their story, they know why we are their parents. We write to the birth family yearly. It would be awful for them to feel split between two worlds.

Surely they need to review the impact this has had,before more children lose the chance at having a family?

I’m glad that you recognise that adoptees are experts on their own experiences of adoption and should be the loudest voices in the room on any discussions about adoption at all. I said the ‘my adopted relative’ / ‘my adoptive friend’ line is tiresome for many adoptees, and akin to saying ‘I have a black friend / family member so I know exactly what it’s like’. You don’t. Unless you are an adoptee or adopter you need to listen more and talk less. Not all opinions on this are equally valid and you should examine your privilege here.

Humans are complex, we all have different needs and thought processes. There shouldn’t be a ‘one size fits all’ but case by case. For some children having contact with biological parent(s) will be essential for their psychological well-being, for others it has the potential to be a complete head fuck. The child must always be central to any decision making process, and all adults need to accept that and put the child’s needs first.

I was illegitimate in the early 60s and my mother spent some time in a mother and baby home, stepfather adoption, totally denying and disinterested bio 'father' I met once as an adult. Also many years in social services. That's my skin in this.

Adoption is a term that covers so many things, with at one end parent/s who commit terrible abuse and frankly should have no contact with any child, through the gamut of MH and physical illness, learning disability, addiction and historical issues around the upbringing they had that mean that people can't begin parenting safely on a decent timescale for their child however much support is given, to many adoptions in the 50s, 60s and earlier which could very reasonably be described as forced, because the unmarried mothers who had done no wrong often having no choice but to surrender.

I have friends who adopted an older child many years ago and maintained regular contact with his mother because he wanted it, it was safe and it really was best for him, although of course at times they found it difficult. There are other situations I know of where I actually fear for the children finding out exactly how abysmal and traumatic their early experience was, let alone having contact with birth parents who will not have changed.

There is no one size fits all, each case around ongoing contact should be considered in the child's interests and it goes without saying that there should be infinitely more long term and robust support for adopted children, their adoptive parents and birth parents (where appropriate) Maybe addressing that issue would be the answer.

In that case don’t imply purport means the same as claim.

You know nothing about my experience, in fact we went a long way down the road to adopt, talking with agencies, adopters, adoptees here and visiting different countries. There are 2 adoptees in my wider family; one who reported positive experiences with their birth family and one who had a very negative one. We were conscious of their experiences while considering the question, as well as taking advice from adopter and adoptee friends.

It’s difficult to form policies to suit all circumstances given the myriad scenarios that result in adoption. Approaches need to be broad and flexible enough to encompass multifarious situations while sensitive enough to allow decisions on an individual case by case basis. For some adoptees contact with birth family will be positive, for some it could be among the worst things in their life.

I totally agree.

Even as late as the mid 70s there were children placed for adoption from unmarried/teenage mothers under pressure from their family/society. That’s my generation.

Also to be factored in is international adoption which brings additional issues.

So not an adoptee or adoptive parent then. Just the ‘I have friends who are adopted’ / ‘I have family who are adopted’ / ‘I once thought about adopting’, aka the ‘I have black friends so am an armchair expert on this’ argument. I’m glad that you’re irritated enough to tell me I know nothing about your life. As an adoptee, I feel like shouting this every time the well meaning middle classes like yourself start trotting out shite like ‘well I quite like Pebbles. Pebbles is a perfectly nice name, it’s all a matter of perspective really’.

I've read through the thread and I don't think the concept of "Permanence" has been mentioned. The idea that adoption provided permanence is a very important psychological grounding for children and could in some/many cases be undermined by additional face to face contact with birth family. Not necessarily because birth family are "bad" but because it's a difference to the way family life is portrayed in the media. But then children can be badly served by a block on contact so there is no one size fits all or perhaps very rarely a right way to proceed.

(Writing as adoptive parent of DD18 who we adopted aged 8. So happy to be corrected by adoptees about the importance of permanence)

Well you’re not an adoptive parent either, and you’re presenting on your own personal experience without factoring in other adoptees with different perspectives.

That the posters flagging the perspective of such other adoptees are not themselves adopted is not a strong argument given that they undoubtedly exist, and current policies have been formed in the light of such experiences.

I've got adopted kids and bio kids and I foster.
It's hard work keeping bio family involved they often don't want to and I had to chase them.
Also seeing them has huge impact on kids behaviour and emotional stability and now there's basically zero support eg therapy to help us manage this.

Literally no-one has said they know exactly what it’s like, so maybe drop the chip on your shoulder. Adoptees should be the loudest voices on experiences of being adopted, but they’re not the only voice that matters in considering what is effective in adoption processes. By your logic, the only people whose voices count on decision making are those who make the decisions - ie birth parents, judges and social workers. The only people we should listen to on caring for adopted children are adoptive parents, etc. That’s plainly ridiculous and I’m sure the antithesis of what you’re trying to see happen, which is that adopted children receive the best care and opportunity.

Chip on my shoulder- well if that’s how you consider adoptees voicing their experiences that says it all.

I believe that face to face contact should very much be on a case by case basis and with the child's interests (and ability to process) right at the centre.

I would also like to think that recent adoptee voices are taken into account as well as those of older adoptees when it comes to making a blanket case for contact with birth parents at a local authority policy level.

Adoption has changed drastically in the last 30 years, never mind the last 60/70/80 years. It is no longer the case that children are put up for adoption due to having teenage/ unmarried/ young mothers or in some cases having the "wrong" father (father from another country) in order to avoid family shame.

Nowadays the bar for a child to be adopted is very high. Where possible children are kept within their birth families (relatives are often asked first). For many adoptees it is more likely there have been several failed attempts to support them to stay in their birth families and they have been removed for their safety. Where there is possiblity for the child to return to their birth family they usually go into long or short term fostering. Where there are learning needs or mental health needs often support is given to try and keep the family together and adoption only comes on the cards when that support isn't enough and the child is deemed at risk. These situations come with an awful lot of trauma, hurt and feelings of rejection. There are a lot of painful, traumatic and angry feelings for a young person been adopted because their parents refused to engage with addiction services for their sake. Or chose their abusive/ child sex offender/ violent partner over them. Knowing your grandparents/ aunts/ uncles were offered you but for whatever reason did not take you. Face to face contact with birth parents and birth extended family should only be taking place where the young person has enough support (mental health wise and emotional support), feels ready to meet those people and has access to good quality counselling, it should not be just because birth parents want to see their child.

You’re perfectly capable of seeing things in context yet seem to just want to score points. Good luck to you, and a happy new year. Sayonara 😘

It depends if the name is a really embarrassing one likely to invite bullying. The Renesmee plot in Twilight is weird and if it was a name like that, changing it is quite reasonable imo

That's worrying....yes, people need to be aware there are legitimate protective reasons for name changes often.

I didnt say they should be grateful.

Partly agree : but if they DO want to seek birth parents later, that shouldn't be seen as 'split loyalties '.

Hilarious! Not sure why citing lived experience is scoring points. If being born to a drug and alcohol addicted mother is scoring point I’m very sorry. Maybe don’t chat shit about stuff you know nothing about and then no one will need to school you 😉

Yes, this must change. It means unnecessary trauma for all those children
....

Tbf I've known middle class kids with nature names (often parents wanting to seem hippyish). Some liked them, others indifferent, none teased afaik. Ofc lots of common names now have natural meanings or are flower names etc.
But obviously plenty of names have acquired poor connotations for various reasons, and it's fully understandable for adoptive parents to want to change them.

There are people with intellectual disabilities, for instance, who might be unable to care for a child but are not malicious, drug addicted etc. I can see contact working in that kind of scenario.

Yes, the Them Before Us website has some testimonies from adoptees which probably are similar to the ones in these studies. Otoh I've heard some argue these studies sampled more of those who regret - but is that true?

Whenever they want? I thought generally in adoptive situations, bio parents only met the child once or twice a year?

My AD2’s birth mum has undiagnosed learning disabilities but her biggest vulnerability is her inability to choose safe partners. As stated previously, I organise, facilitate, fund and supervise direct meet-ups for my AD2(9) with her birth mother. Because this makes AD2 happy and reassures her that her much-loved birth mother is safe and well. I do not facilitate any contact, be it direct or indirect, with birth father as he - after two fact finding hearings - was found to have been the likely perpetrator in the non-accidental death of a 10-week-old sibling. Sorry to be so graphic but I want to emphasise the point that there so many shades of grey in Adoption Land.

in my experience adoptees don’t have a voice and are simply expected to be grateful for being adopted. This guilt trip is often enough to stop people from tracing their background.