Teen son doesn't want to come on holiday

[SJH1971]

We try to have a family holiday once a year. My 14 year old doesn't want to come.

On the last holiday he came on, he spent the entire week lying on his bed in the hotel room, only leaving when he absolutely had to get food and then rushing back.

It ruined the holiday for all of us, really, because I felt we couldn't leave him at the hotel and have days out (he was 13). It meant we were tied to the area and we didn't do as much as we'd hoped.

Now he's saying he doesn't want to come with us at all on our next family holiday. He wants to go and stay at one of his friends for the week while my husband and I go somewhere with our other son (12).

I don't know what to do. If I take him, he'll probably be awful. But how can I not take him?

Advice???

I think I’d leave him with your sister if she’s up for it and let your younger son bring a friend if he wants to.

I agree with leaving him behind but with a family member. I don't think it's fair to ask another family to have him for a week. That is quite an expectation and presumably they will be at work and not want to return home to potential mess caused by two teenage boys or have to deal with any sulkiness of another child if they want to stay cooped up in a bedroom all day and they want the boys to get out.

have all the people responding that they wouldn’t allow it/drag him out/don’t allow a teenager to be miserable etc - ever had teenagers? Especially ND teenagers. You can’t force a teenager (or anyone above 12) to be jolly against their will.

I’m picturing a stereotypical moody teenager with a parent telling them to ‘snap out of the mood’. The next scene isn’t the teenager saying ‘oh, ok then’ and dancing a jig.

🤣🤣🤣charming!!!!

Have you already booked it?

If not, could you go somewhere that would allow him to go and do things with other kids his age?

Does he not even want to be around his brother?

I’m on the fence - if he doesn’t want to go then why waste the money.
But is he too young to be making those decisions.

He is at a horrible age where he’s feeling like shit and doesn’t want to be around his family so I get it.

Its the youngest I’d feel sorry for.
Is he excited to go?
If not, Is it worth them going to camp for a week or something whilst you and DH go on a separate trip.

@Gloriia Tbf, young teenagers being embarrassed by their family is very common. I was embarrassed by my parents at 13/14, DS (17) has recently outgrown asking me not to talk too much in public. Apparently I’m too chatty. 😂

I think it's pretty normal to not want to hang out with your parents and younger siblings at that age and that's fine. I wouldn't impose on another family but if your sister will house sit that's a good solution.

My understanding is is that it’s evolutionary normal for teenagers to actively reject their own families. They are going through puberty and biologically are looking for a mate who isn’t their family.

This is entirely normal. I mean, I’m 54 and I refused to go on a family holiday aged 15 and they were off to Disney in Florida! I stayed with my grandparents for a fortnight instead and I still have no regrets 🤣

However it would be a hard no to stay with a friend for the week. If your sister will come and stay then that would be preferable.

just a phase and he will grow out of it

I was around the same age when I decided to stop going on family holidays and it was better for everyone. I stayed at my grandparents for the week but they lived close by and I had my own key to pop back home for a few hours now and again.
I was also incredibly embarrassed to be seen withy parents and to be honest I still am.
The last few holidays I went with them I just couldn't enjoy because I was so self conscious of the comments about them and people doing double takes as we all walked down the street. A holiday should not be an uncomfortable experience for anyone, of someone is not going to enjoy it then do t force them because no one will have any fun that way which is what you figured out last time.

Leave him with relatives and in a few years the problem will have solved itself as he will be an adult and can stay at home alone.

Wow. All the posters suggesting that none of the family goes on holiday because a teenager is being bratty. I can only assume you all have younger children that have grown up resentful of how their family had to stop having fun because their golden boy eldest child threw a strop

I think leave him at home, if your sister is happy to housesit that seems a good solution. I hated going on holiday with family at that age (& still do lol!) & forcing him will just make everyone miserable.

Holidays are essential for lots of people.

The best way is if older kids (14+ imo) are able to pick and choose if they accompany on holidays or not (left with trusted family members if not. Definitely not left with friends .. too many ways that could fall through, with the corned and with their parents!).

After a holiday where easily 50% of it was wasted (in my opinion ..) by their disinterest and sulky tired room-dwelling, I had a measured conversation with them where the kids and I decided they can come if they like and will promise to be involved in minimum 80%+ of the activities/days. If it is likely to dip below that 80% aim, they stay home with family. And it is better all round! They aren't left out, they can be selective and included on their own terms as they grow. They enjoy space and time on their own terms too . I daresay it promotes more independence in them, they cook and tidy and make contact.

They grow fast 💔 they need more rest, they miss their friends, they go through a very normal stage of rejecting time spent with parents and siblings. It all improves, with flexibility and time, as they grow.

And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for leaving them behind!! Their opinions are irrelevant. Your relationship with DC won't be strengthened by spending £££ to argue in the sun- arguing abroad with a sullen teen and trying to drag them along when they truly don't have the mental capacity to give a shit until their brains have finished this period of intense development. Make it more free and easy for everyone involved ✈️

We probably have a similar ethos. But unlike OP, we do something together every day and twice on weekends. I think offering regularly is very important. DD might not come for a walk, but she will eat dinner with us every night.

There is an unspoken rule, I don’t even think I have articulated it. If I offer a couple of times, everyone accepts one. And Sunday dinner is sacred.

If the OP’s son won’t be seen with them, I assume the holiday is very different to their everyday life. And that is where things fall down. If he ‘doesn’t want to be seen with them’ it implies he never goes anywhere with them except on holiday, which is really sad.

Pretty normal for a teen I think. I can remember totally ruining a family holiday age 15 because I simply didn’t want to be seen dead with my embarrassing family. 😆

@TunridgeFells Please can you explain what was so head-turning about your parents?! It does sound worse than the usual teenage embarrassment about virtually nothing...

Id get your sister to house sit if that’s really an option but I wonder if he will just sit in the room at home. Not sure if that’s better or worse than sitting in the room on holiday?

aged 12 in Spain last year ds1 def did a lot of sitting in the room, though we insisted he did a bit of sitting on a (shaded) sun lounger too (not necessarily next to us!) so he got some vit d and fresh air. He was cooperative on days out though. I think I’d be happy to leave him in the hotel next year if he had a sulk as long as he had a phone and could get food ok. It’s not the end of the world if they sulk the whole time but it’s a waste of money and everyone else has to work harder to enjoy the holiday. I def think it’s a tricky phase holidaying with younger teens

I wouldn’t let him stay with a friend unless I knew the parent reasonably well and I knew they were genuinely ok with it

Have you given him the option of another type of holiday? If it's a variation of a package holiday sitting round a pool or beach all day I don't blame him, I'd be happier at home too.