Teen son doesn't want to come on holiday

[SJH1971]

We try to have a family holiday once a year. My 14 year old doesn't want to come.

On the last holiday he came on, he spent the entire week lying on his bed in the hotel room, only leaving when he absolutely had to get food and then rushing back.

It ruined the holiday for all of us, really, because I felt we couldn't leave him at the hotel and have days out (he was 13). It meant we were tied to the area and we didn't do as much as we'd hoped.

Now he's saying he doesn't want to come with us at all on our next family holiday. He wants to go and stay at one of his friends for the week while my husband and I go somewhere with our other son (12).

I don't know what to do. If I take him, he'll probably be awful. But how can I not take him?

Advice???

When DS didn’t want to come away with us we didn’t force him - but he did go and have to stay with his grandparents. I didn’t feel guilty!

If the friend's family are OK with it, then send him there (they're going to the house with adults in so hardly able to plan a party) if not get your sister to housesit

He's 14. He knows he doesn't want to do something. Let him be

This is the ideal solution if your sister is OK with helping you out like this. Your DS can still go out and see his friends but no shenanigans in your house while you're away.

The holiday you had last year sounds awful and I'd struggle not to feel resentful about his ruining the holiday for everyone else. (Very glad my DS is still keen to go on holidays with his dad and I, as it would mean we wouldn't be able to go anywhere at all otherwise!)

It isn’t about that. There’s no value in ‘not letting him rule the roost’ if he makes it miserable for everyone.
the options are only…

1. he doesn’t come
2. he comes but is miserable and makes everyone miserable

so its 1.

That is batshit. Sorry, but that’s letting a child dictate your entire annual holiday when there is a solution for everyone to be happy.

I wouldn't be happy to impose on another family to have him to stay - I'd ask your sister to stay and keep an eye on him.

I think it's pretty rude to say he doesn't want to be seen with his family though. We have 5 adult sons and they had their moments as teenagers but I don't think they would have said that!

The first thing to do is to speak with the other family. And then work out wha you’ll do if they change the mind in the meantime or your son and hi friend fall out

@arethereanyleftatall

holidays aren’t essential though. It won’t do OP any harm to miss a holiday if son doesn’t want to go.

I’d leave him at home. But I would consider the least desirable option for him to stay.
If he would loathe a week with grandparents that’s where he’d go. I wouldn’t let him have an enjoyable week at his mates particularly as he ruined last years holiday

Can he bring a friend with him on holiday?

When I was that age I was allowed to bring a friend on holiday and so was my sister - probably to stop us fighting! I then went on holiday with same friend and her family. It worked really well.

I started to leave my youngest with my Mum around this age. She's now 27 and was and still is grateful that I didn't force her to join in. She's a gamer, works full time and her holidays are the USA, Africa and she's planning Japan. She just doesn't enjoy 'smaller' holidays and sees time off work as either an adventure (she sky dives etc) or to recuperate. Just leave him with your Sister.

It’s too much to ask of another family IMO, for a holiday. Would do it if SIL is happy to stay for most of the time, and perhaps DS could stay at his friend’s for a night or two.

This is very weird op, there must be more to it than not wanting to be seen with his family .

What's things like normally, does be talk to you or does he spend his time holed up in his room?

The problem is surely his relationship with you and his wellbeing, the holiday being a bit of a red herring.

I wouldn't leave a 14yr old at home I'd find somewhere you'd all like to go to.

There’s no way I’d let him stay with another family. You’d owe them a lifetime of favours after that!

Why should she miss a holiday? Why are her sons wants more important than hers and presumably the rest of the family?
So because 1 person doesn’t want to to 3 people have to miss out? Absolutely no chance

Yes, as long as he’d do what she tells him and not e.g. vanish to friend's house. Unless there’s a good reason for his selfish, onboxious behaviour I don’t think he should be rewarded for it.

They're a family. You leave kids behind when they're 18 not 14. What next, he doesn't fancy Christmas so he can stay in his room all day?

Either they all go or none of them go and in the meantime conversations need to be had about what's behind it all.

Quite simply he’ll be board that why he doesn’t want to come
which is a fair point

Best solution I think.

Mine came on family holidays until they were 17.

The last holiday DS2 was on was a nice caravan park in France. He spent the whole of it in the bar, playing video games with his new friends.

It was very frustrating, but he was always safe when we checked on him, so we left him to it.

He was much better on the way back - a day at Puy du Fou, and a few days in Centerparcs.

13 year old prevents whole family from holidays. Mad.

• bring a friend on holiday but definitely no to him staying at a friends- stay with sister or grandparents and no access to your house unsupervised.

Why should a 14-year-old be able to dictate the holiday plans of the three other members of the family?

That's where I am leaning.

I'd be tempted to book a day out at somewhere like Thorpe Park for you, DH and other DC and tell sulky one you knew he wouldn't want to come as he wouldn't want to be seen with you…