Teen son doesn't want to come on holiday

[SJH1971]

We try to have a family holiday once a year. My 14 year old doesn't want to come.

On the last holiday he came on, he spent the entire week lying on his bed in the hotel room, only leaving when he absolutely had to get food and then rushing back.

It ruined the holiday for all of us, really, because I felt we couldn't leave him at the hotel and have days out (he was 13). It meant we were tied to the area and we didn't do as much as we'd hoped.

Now he's saying he doesn't want to come with us at all on our next family holiday. He wants to go and stay at one of his friends for the week while my husband and I go somewhere with our other son (12).

I don't know what to do. If I take him, he'll probably be awful. But how can I not take him?

Advice???

I can't believe you let a 13 year old dictate your plans? Surely you just make him come with you.

Yes I imagine many teens just stay in their rooms because they don’t fancy Christmas.
You can’t make a teen do anything they don’t want to do, well you can, but they just ruin the entire thing for everyone as she discovered on last years holiday

I don’t see what the problem is. I stopped holidaying with my parents at that age, a couple of years I went away with my friend and their family and from the age of 17 starting going away just with my friends. No big dramas, I just didn’t want to hang around with my parents and younger brother. So long as he’s being looked after while you’re away, I’d leave him to it

If your kid stays in their room all Christmas day then you have a problem, much like if at 14 they don't want to spend time with their family.

There must be more to it.

@Cherrytree86 "Then you shouldn’t go on holiday. Simple as."

So just to be clear. You think a 14 year old child who is afraid he won't look super cool hanging round with his parents should dictate what the entire family does? Yeah right, because that's such a brilliant way to teach young people about sharing, caring, finances, compromise and responsibility. So anytime he wants to have a teenage mega strop (like all teenagers have done since time began) everyone should fall at his feet and do exactly what the adolescent demands? Is this how you raised your own kids? How it it work out?

could ge take a friend with him? Or try to buddy up with other teen families?

What next, he doesn't fancy Christmas so he can stay in his room all day?

I know a couple of families very well who live these low demand kind of lifestyles where it is very much ‘do what you like.’ From what I see, they are some of the happiest families around. No judgement, no pressure. I didn’t do it with my kids, but if I had my time again, I might.

But there’s no value for that for anyone if he’s just going to sulk. Then no one has any fun.

Never understood post like this , dont give him the option of saying in the room.

Nice. Kids in their rooms 24/7, leave them at home for holidays. Do your friends interact with their kids at all?! Maybe they do it all via no pressure/no judgement WhatsApp.

If he goes, don't let him stay in bed; make it clear up front that it's an active holiday. Give him and his bro equal input into what the family does each day, within reason, and then either all do it or split up one child one adult (assuming you don't want the boys to go off on their own).

At 14 though, I'd consider letting him stay home if there's someone you trust that is happy to have him stay and he's happy to stay with. It sounds like he's figured out what a reasonable compromise plan would be (rather than insisting he can just stay home alone, or insisting no one can go) so I'd engage with him seriously about it but I'd also consider WHY he wants to stay home.

My brother and SIL live like this, and they are some of the most inconsiderate people I know. I do think that kind of attitude is fine for their own happiness, but people like this do not give a shit about anyone else and are entitled, rude and selfish when it comes to doing anything that doesn't centre around themselves. I think if people can be polite and considerate alongside low pressure lifestyle then fine - but clearly it just teaches them they can do what they like and fuck everyone else.

FWIW i think it's completely unacceptable to let a 13 year old ruin a holiday like that to the point others weren't able to enjoy their holiday. I wouldn't have let my child stay in the hotel room the entire time, probably on screens. It's not healthy for a start, but imagine being in another part of the world and not wanting to see or appreciate it? Not enjoy it? Experience the things with your family?
I genuinely can't fathom it.

I do think the OP would do best leaving him at home if she genuinely thinks he'll ruin it for everyone else. But take steps to avoid house parties and the likes!

You need to get tough and tell him ue's not staying home and when he's 18 and he can go anywhere he likes.

Your mistake was letting him stay in the hotel at the age of 13. My parents would have come down like a ton of bricks at that point.

Teenagers are moody and sulky. And yes, they are going through a lot of changes. That's not an excuse to give them an easy ride.

If he really would ruin your holiday and your sister can stay over and watch him, that's probably the least-worst outcome. BUT, from this point onwards every time he asks for something besides basic clothing, food, or school supplies, I'd just say "no - if our company isn't good enough for you then neither is our money."

I would not force him to go, I'd look for an alternative - trusted family friend or relative to either stay with him or him stay with them. I think it would be a real shame for the rest of you to miss out.

My son did this at age 12....spent entire holiday hiding in the hotel room.

Yes I would absolutely let hom staynhome.

My now 13 yesr old is mortified to be seen in public with us. Its a phase. I say enjoy your holiday and let him enjoy time with his friends

I would be most worried about what he was doing in his room the whole time. Addicted to his phone? Porn?
Unfair and selfish on all of you and your younger son.
the next couple of years will be tough holiday-wise but keep at it. Do not let kids rule the roost or parent themselves. They will come round eventually. But you need to toughen up, your mistake was allowing this last time.
Do not warn him but next time when you get on holiday you take his phone off him and you sit down and talk. Explain how concerned you are for his mental health and development. How unhealthy it is. What you can all agree on to improve the holiday etc. see if you can negotiate a deal. He has to spend x hours engaging with the family and then he gets time to himself. For every 3 hours w the family he gets one hour alone. But make those 3 hours as fun as possible. And consider getting him into counselling.

He is probably being unreasonable unless you are very embarrassing to him in your holiday behaviour (things like wearing a Coldplay t-shirt, very small swimwear if a beach holiday).

If he does not come with you, it should not be a week with mates.

He’s 14! He should be bloody grateful to get to go on lovely holidays: I fear the issue is you’ve given them the choices, where to go etc. you’ve set yourself up a bit for him to be a brat. 14 feels too young to start refusing family holidays and being given a say.

Ah, no, you haven’t understood how it works and have jumped to the negative. No, it doesn’t look like that at all. The kids, and grown ups, don’t HAVE to do anything, and sometimes they don’t, but actually most of the time they do because they WANT to. Probably because they don’t have to. It absolutely works in the families I’ve seen it in. The parents are all very high up in their professions, and model a good life. Eat well, exercise well, generally do life well. They don’t tell their kids to do anything, don’t monitor phones, showers, homework, food, anything. These kids respect their parents and have fabulous open relationships with them. I’m staying with such a family right now. Dinner was just served, 9 of the 10 of us appeared, one didn’t, all cool.

Don’t outsource parenting.

Or 2. He has consequences if he tries to make everyone else miserable, that's just not acceptable behaviour and needs to be parented.

@Sausageroll99

why?? So long as she’s willing to return the favour, what’s the issue??

An idea, if you can afford it, would be to go on a cruise. There would be loads of parent-free activities (teen club), free reign with food, and very very limited internet.

Very hard. What if you allowed him to bring a friend on holiday? Or a cousin ? Expensive but if it means him wanting to go and enjoy a family holiday it might be an idea??