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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Absent son

60 replies

Pacificbay · 30/12/2025 11:58

My brother only visits our elderly mum once or twice a year and it causes tension within the family.
He lives about 4 hours drive away, and when he does visit, he only stays a day or two at most.
AIBU to be upset, cross and wound up about this? I live close by to our mum and help her in various ways, and I'm fine about that.
I just don't get why he doesn't come and SEE his mother. I'm not at all bothered that he doesn't help in a practical way, but I do think he should spend more time with her.
What makes it all the worse, is that she will have nothing said against him. She claims that it doesn't bother her that he doesn't visit, and it's all ok because he texts and calls her.
So, when we discuss this, it inevitably gets heated, because I don't believe she's not bothered and I just want her to be honest with me.
She continually deflects and defends him and makes excuses.
He also interferes from afar, and she doesn't always tell me.
For example, he arranged private medical appointments when she was already having nhs treatment and so on, and he also makes various suggestions.
I honestly don't understand why he doesn't visit more often.
The rest of the family say just don't bother asking anymore as it's just me who is upset about it.
Of course I get that it's more complex and all this family / sibling dynamic stuff.
When I once asked him why he doesn't call, he got cross with me, saying I can't tell him what to do.
He is generally very evasive about everything.
Then my mum told me he was upset by the way I spoke to him and tjen I felt in the wrong!
I do mention it to her sometimes and I always end up feeling guilty.
So yeh I don't mention it to him anymore, but underneath I'm fuming.
Just needed to talk and get it off my chest.

OP posts:

MagpieOak · 30/12/2025 12:10

She claims that it doesn't bother her that he doesn't visit, and it's all ok because he texts and calls her.
So, when we discuss this, it inevitably gets heated, because I don't believe she's not bothered and I just want her to be honest with me.
So he lives a 4hr drive away, visits for a couple of days a couple of times a year, calls and texts to keep in regular contact with your mum the rest of the time, and your mum has told you she’s happy with this arrangement. What’s the issue?
Why do you think your mum is lying to you? Have you ever considered that she might be being honest and you’re starting arguments and causing her stress for no reason?

He also interferes from afar, and she doesn't always tell me.
For example, he arranged private medical appointments when she was already having nhs treatment and so on, and he also makes various suggestions.
That was kind of him. Was your mum grateful for the medical appointments, or for him trying to help if she didn’t end up using them?
What’s wrong with making suggestions?

The rest of the family say just don't bother asking anymore as it's just me who is upset about it.
If it’s only you that’s upset about it, and you’re causing friction by fixating on this/starting arguments about it, maybe you should listen to the rest of your family and drop it. This sounds like you’re the only person who has an issue with it, and as much as you’re annoyed with your brother, you might find everyone else thinks you’re the one causing problems if you carry on.

OrigamiOwls · 30/12/2025 12:11

You can't make him be more engaged. Unfortunately none is us know the reason, it may be valid or it may not be.

Maddy70 · 30/12/2025 12:11

He lives 4 hours away
He's in obviously close contact with her.
Absolutely non of your business. Your mum seems fine with it why aren't you?

Rumplestiltz · 30/12/2025 12:14

Unfortunately an 8 hour round trip is a lot, particularly if he has other commitments/pressures. That’s also presumably on him to live that distance, but it’s not surprising that’s the outcome.

oldestmumaintheworld · 30/12/2025 12:14

You are being unreasonable. Your brother's relationship with your mum is nothing to do with you. He lives a long way away and comes occasionally. Your mother is happy with this. You need to mind your own business.

Heidi2018 · 30/12/2025 12:15

My brother only visits our elderly mum once or twice a year and it causes tension within the family.

Does it cause tension within the family or does it cause you to cause tension when you raise your concerns about it? Because you go on to say you are the only person who is upset about it so how does it cause tension?

geekone · 30/12/2025 12:17

His level of engagement sounds normal to me. I go home 3.5 hour drive 2-3 times a year and stay with my parents one day and my in-laws one day. My parents come up once or twice a year too. They are in their 70s. My brother sees them more regularly as he didn’t leave the small town we are from. I have a full time job children a DH and a life to lead too. I call the weekly.
Mostly you sound a bit bitter rather than wanting him to spend quality time you want relieved of the burden and want him to be there half the time. Your mum is happy they sound like they have a good relationship and all I would want from my child is calls and to know they are happy.

Stillupatmidnight · 30/12/2025 12:18

Unlike others I don’t think the long drive is a big deal. I do however just think he and your mum are both comfortable with the fact that they are not as close as you and your Mum. Family’s are complexed, you have more of the work but you evidently have a better relationship, you win some you loose some.

UncannyFanny · 30/12/2025 12:18

To be fair with an 8 hour round trip I probably wouldn’t be visiting my mum as frequently as I would if I was half an hour away. That’s seems obvious?

mondaytosunday · 30/12/2025 12:19

This is nothing to do with you. If your mother says she is ok with the level of contact why don’t you believe her? Stay out of it - as you say it only leads to arguments, so one has to ask why are you so intent on upsetting things?

Tattiana · 30/12/2025 12:23

It’s all very well saying the mum is happy with the arrangement but it seems a little unfair that the “burden” of day to day care falls on the OP. Easy for mum to be happy with it as long as her needs are met, but the OP is picking up the slack because her brother has chosen to live away.

It’s hard because people do move away and should be able to live as they please, but I can also see the OP’s point.

NerrSnerr · 30/12/2025 12:26

How many times over the years have you made the 8 hour round trip to visit him?

MrsStig · 30/12/2025 12:27

I think you need to let it go. My DB lives two hours from our mother and visits once a year. He only takes his DC every other year. I find it weird, and a bit sad for them. DM and DB are both adults, so could arrange more visits if they were bothered.

vanillalattes · 30/12/2025 12:29

I honestly don't understand why he doesn't visit more often.

Because he lives an eight hour round-trip away, OP. Stop being obtuse.

BettysRoasties · 30/12/2025 12:31

If she’s happy leave it alone.

He called and texts, he try’s to help via sorting private medical appointments (he pays for?)

He lives four hours away and visits twice a year for a few days. Presumably he works and has friends and maybe a partner? It’s trying to fit everything in when you don’t just live 20 minutes down the road. You only get so much annual leave.

What would you actually want a weekend every month? A week every 2 months ?

MigGirl · 30/12/2025 12:32

Really I don't see the problem, if he lived closer then that would be different.

We live 4 hours from my Dad, I've seen him once this year (mainly due to me having issues driving long distance and the train tickets are really expensive). I ringing him regularly and keep in touch with my sister who is half an hour away. No one in our family has a problem with this.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/12/2025 12:37

So patronising to think you know what your mum feels better than she does.

Original poster

Pacificbay · 30/12/2025 12:52

Oh wow, I'm surprised by some responses, although I can understand some of the points of view. And it's good to het other viewpoints, that's why I asked on here.
But maybe I need to clarify a few points.
My brother is not working and doesn't have any huge responsibilities or commitments - a partner but no children.
As for the 8 hour round trip, he stays over so that's not too bad, only four hours each way. He goes off for holidays and so I'm bound to ask why he can't find time to visit mum. My friends in similar situations see their parents more regularly, travelling across country.
Also, my mum lives on her own and there are no other siblings.
Family members also think he should visit more often, but they tell me not too bother anymore because it's just me who gets upset.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 30/12/2025 12:55

Why don’t you believe your mum when she says she’s ok with it? Do you think she’s lying or that she should be more upset because you are?

Just live your life- if you would like help in supporting her then ask him but if not you need to let it go and focus on something else.

Maddy70 · 30/12/2025 12:59

NerrSnerr · 30/12/2025 12:26

How many times over the years have you made the 8 hour round trip to visit him?

Interested in this response

feathermucker · 30/12/2025 12:59

Stop bloody discussing it with her then. Believe her! It bothers you it seems but not her.

Original poster

Pacificbay · 30/12/2025 12:59

And no, he didn't pay for the private medicine! My mum didn't really want to go private, but she usually goes along with his suggestions and doesn't always tell me the truth.
I try my best to support her and will always do so even though I've got other responsibilities and am still working.
Once or twice she has admitted to me she wished he would come more often, but she says she doesn't want to criticise him.
Lately she just doesn't want to discuss it.
I know I have to make the effort not to talk about it now.

OP posts:

Beezz · 30/12/2025 13:11

Your brother doesn’t sound like the problem here.

YourFairCyanReader · 30/12/2025 13:16

I would sit and have a good think about what you want your relationship with your mum to be. How often do you want to see her, and how much do you want to help her? What suits you, what do you feel comfortable with? Then do that. That's what your brother has done.

vanillalattes · 30/12/2025 13:21

When do you and your mum make the effort to go and visit your brother?

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