Absent son

[Pacificbay]

My brother only visits our elderly mum once or twice a year and it causes tension within the family.
He lives about 4 hours drive away, and when he does visit, he only stays a day or two at most.
AIBU to be upset, cross and wound up about this? I live close by to our mum and help her in various ways, and I'm fine about that.
I just don't get why he doesn't come and SEE his mother. I'm not at all bothered that he doesn't help in a practical way, but I do think he should spend more time with her.
What makes it all the worse, is that she will have nothing said against him. She claims that it doesn't bother her that he doesn't visit, and it's all ok because he texts and calls her.
So, when we discuss this, it inevitably gets heated, because I don't believe she's not bothered and I just want her to be honest with me.
She continually deflects and defends him and makes excuses.
He also interferes from afar, and she doesn't always tell me.
For example, he arranged private medical appointments when she was already having nhs treatment and so on, and he also makes various suggestions.
I honestly don't understand why he doesn't visit more often.
The rest of the family say just don't bother asking anymore as it's just me who is upset about it.
Of course I get that it's more complex and all this family / sibling dynamic stuff.
When I once asked him why he doesn't call, he got cross with me, saying I can't tell him what to do.
He is generally very evasive about everything.
Then my mum told me he was upset by the way I spoke to him and tjen I felt in the wrong!
I do mention it to her sometimes and I always end up feeling guilty.
So yeh I don't mention it to him anymore, but underneath I'm fuming.
Just needed to talk and get it off my chest.

My brother lives 4 hours from my elderly widowed father. Doesn’t drive. He visits about once a year, and is in regular contact through emails etc. Normal for us.

How elderly is your mother? Could she and you visit him? As the child who lives far away I'm aware of how frequently people visited me when they were fit and going on holidays and how much childcare my siblings received and I use that memory to appease my guilt at not visiting more often (although I do go several times a year and invite her to visit too).

You need to stop trying to change your brother and his relationship with his mum. The only person this is causing stress to is you. Over the last few years of parents and in-laws aging I have found out how differently siblings are often treated by parents and how different their relationships can be. Leave him be and if anything build on your relationship with him.

I live at minimum 4 hours from my parents and visit 3-4 times a year.
it really isn’t easy around work, my commitments here and my own down time. I can absolutely assure you though the guilt is a daily feeling. I moved away nearly 30 years ago so I can’t just up and move back but I do talk to them daily and I do what I can

This is what I thought, trying to badger her mother into saying something that she could go straight back to the brother with.

Actually, it seems that Mother is wise to the tactic and is grey rocking OP.

You say that ‘whenever you try to discuss it things get heated’.

In other words, you keep upsetting your mother by trying to get her to join you in slagging off her son, and reminding her repeatedly that he doesn’t see her much and implying he doesn’t care about her. You’re stirring and upsetting her.

The only person causing tension here is you. Your brother makes an eight-hour round trip to see your mum a couple of times a year and he’s in regular contact with her. That’s his relationship with her. You can’t engineer it to be something different just because you think it should be.

Everyone’s relationships are unique and you can’t expect other people to live by your standards.

My DH’s brother and wife definitely think we don’t make more effort with PILs - but there’s a lot of history there that mean DH put his boundaries in place and stuck to them. BIL doesn’t know all the details - and that’s fine. But he also doesn’t tie himself in knots trying to hold us to his own standards - because that would be an utterly miserable way to live!

I totally empathise with this and am in this same situation too. My MIL’s daughter lives two hours away and only comes to visit once a year if that, for an afternoon. Like yours, my MIL thinks the sun shines out of her, and yet in her eyes we can never do enough for her. My SIL’s children have grown up and she’s semi retired. We are raising our own family with kids still in school, we are both in full time jobs, one of our children has mental health issues, and we have more than enough on our plates. We feel resentful that all of my MIL’s responsibilities lie with us, and we get no outside support. Even things that can be done from afar would help us hugely, like changing her insurance, but when my DH asks for more help from his sister it is met with huge resistance and often causes a rift, and my MIL takes huge pity on her.

It is hard for people to understand unless they are in this position. The dynamics are unfair and unfortunately I don’t think they will change. Your brother will always be the golden child no matter what, and there will always be an expectation that you should do more.

I would love to know what the answer is but I’m still looking for it. Just know that you are not alone. I think my MIL knows that my SIL’s behaviour is shocking but somehow for her it is easier for her to be in denial and put her on a pedestal, than to face the sadness of the reality, and have to explain to others that her own daughter isn’t really that arsed about her.

Are you upset because you're 'on the doorstep', so picking up the bulk of day-to-day wrap around care? I did this with DM before she passed away, and frankly whilst I never had an issue supporting her. It's a constant drain regarding when the phone goes while you're at work, worrying about a fall, ensuring shopping is delivered, are the carers turning up. Phone going off at 2am and running round to help... It's easy to feel you're doing the lions share while "golden bollocks" does fuck all to the bare minimum, and you're still left feeling you're not "doing enough".

Don't beat yourself up!

Tbf, your mum is 'fine' with it in part because she has you on the spot to call on for help and for day to day companionship. Her life would no doubt look different if you both adopted your brothers behaviour. As it is, she has you as her constant and him as an occasional treat, which probably does feel ok. I can understand why it's galling for you though.
That said, there really isn't anything you can do, so unless you feel you're carrying an unfair burden because of him, in which case speak to him, you're probably as well keeping it to yourself.