Absent son

[Pacificbay]

My brother only visits our elderly mum once or twice a year and it causes tension within the family.
He lives about 4 hours drive away, and when he does visit, he only stays a day or two at most.
AIBU to be upset, cross and wound up about this? I live close by to our mum and help her in various ways, and I'm fine about that.
I just don't get why he doesn't come and SEE his mother. I'm not at all bothered that he doesn't help in a practical way, but I do think he should spend more time with her.
What makes it all the worse, is that she will have nothing said against him. She claims that it doesn't bother her that he doesn't visit, and it's all ok because he texts and calls her.
So, when we discuss this, it inevitably gets heated, because I don't believe she's not bothered and I just want her to be honest with me.
She continually deflects and defends him and makes excuses.
He also interferes from afar, and she doesn't always tell me.
For example, he arranged private medical appointments when she was already having nhs treatment and so on, and he also makes various suggestions.
I honestly don't understand why he doesn't visit more often.
The rest of the family say just don't bother asking anymore as it's just me who is upset about it.
Of course I get that it's more complex and all this family / sibling dynamic stuff.
When I once asked him why he doesn't call, he got cross with me, saying I can't tell him what to do.
He is generally very evasive about everything.
Then my mum told me he was upset by the way I spoke to him and tjen I felt in the wrong!
I do mention it to her sometimes and I always end up feeling guilty.
So yeh I don't mention it to him anymore, but underneath I'm fuming.
Just needed to talk and get it off my chest.

I don’t see what he’s doing wrong. Theres no ‘should’. You make it all sound very dutiful. You also sound very resentful, maybe of how things will pan out. You’re working and with other responsibilities yet still visit regularly to ‘help’. Maybe there’s ‘help’ she could buy in to leave you free. It’s what we save for all our lives after all, to buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC free to live their own lives in their prime.
You’ve chosen to live close to your mum.
I suspect your resentment is misplaced.

YABU, for several reasons. But regardless of your feelings about your brother - stop putting it on your mum and allowing things to ‘get heated’ about it, no woman is responsible for a grown man’s behaviour, and it’s not fair to try and put her against her son. You are out of line on that.

This basically. You are waaaay too invested in what your brother does, when there’s nothing you can change - he is entitled to phone, visit when he wants. No one seems unhappy but you, keep your nose out.

I think this all sounds OK except for arranging parallel medical appointments that she didn't even want. I think whoever is on the sharp end of supporting an elderly parent gets to say how things go, and he should have consulted over whether this was wanted, needed or would cause confusion before meddling in arrangements.

The best thing to do? Let it go, stop discussing it, leave it alone. The only person you're upsetting is yourself. Have had similar scenario but with more siblings. One hasn't even spoken to my mum for nearly 20 years, another hasnt visited for even longer than that and thinks sending a handmade Christmas card makes him son of the year (other siblings refer to him as golden balls) He doesnt even pick up the phone or message, so your brother is doing pretty well. Family dynamics are best left for each individual to sort out particularly when there's no grandchildren in the mix, they're both adults, let them get on with it

Thanks for all the advice, words of wisdom, and food for thought

My DB lives a similar distance from my Mum and sees her usually twice a year but he does have a full time job and three children at home. I’m
only 1.5 hours away and used to only go 4 times a year until recently when she’s had a lot of health problems. We’re not a close family and have lives to lead and I don’t have a problem with those frequencies. DM is still much more complimentary about DB than me, even though I’ve done loads more for her; he’s always been the preferred child.

You sound a little condescending towards your mother. She is not dissatisfied with the arrangement, to the extent that she won’t hear anything negative said about him.
You appear to believe that she should feel differently, just because you do.

And actually, adults have no obligation to have a certain type of relationship with their parents. It’s lovely when they are close, but they don’t owe that to anyone

I understand how you feel, OP. It would be wonderful if all kids visited and called their parents regularly, but unfortunately that’s not always how things play out. I have three grown children myself, only one has moved out, and even now they each communicate with me in completely different ways. I can already see that, in the future, I won’t hear/see from all of them equally.

I’m sure your mom would love to see your brother more often, but bringing it up to her will likely just make her feel worse. If you want to help, you could gently mention it to your brother, but beyond that, I’d stay out of it. Parent/child relationships are complicated, and ultimately it’s up to them to navigate their own dynamic.

They have their relationship OP and it's different to yours, that's all.

I think you need to stop upsetting your mum by slagging your brother off though.

Families are tough.
I'm one of seven siblings, and iver tine Ive tried to understand and make peace with the fact that we all have (and are allowed) to have our own individual relationships with each other, and also with our parents.
I try not to make comparisons or have expectations of what we should each do.
Not easy, but it definitely sits easier with me now.

I've realised that dd1 has not visited once in 2025! She lives a 5 hour round trip away. I have visited her about 6 times, mostly to babysit gdg and we do facetime weekly. Basically she thinks our house is too small to accommodate her (2dc still live at home though one is moving nearer to her next week). Dd2 has only visited twice this year but they don't have a car and with 2 young dc it's difficult on public transport. She lives about 25 miles away.
It doesn't really bother me, they have busy lives so maybe it doesn't really bother your dm.

My only sibling (younger than me) died last year so it's just me to visit my parents. They are still very active and are hardly ever in the country.

Just leave them to their relationship and focus on yours with your mother

Yes maybe he should see her more if he was more altruistic, or if she needed him, or if he wanted to. He doesn't and she doesn't. You can't make him because you can't control other people's behaviour and it's his relationship with his own mother. It's literally none of your business. You see her and help her how you wish and he will do the same, if there is help your mum needs that you dont want to pick up then discuss it with her. Ultimately, you set your own boundaries about what works for you and how much you do, and he will/has done the same. Constantly moaning about it to family and your mum must be very irritating, and it sounds like you want her to say "you're right, you're the better child" - she never will, parents don't think like that, so stop asking, stop bringing him up to her and leave them to their own relationship. I also think you aren't hearing the undertone when family say "it's only you who gets upset" what they mean is "please stop ranting about this to us because its very negative, really boring, results in you being grumpy and it won't change".
Leave it well alone and stop dwelling on it. Do what you feel you want to do for your mum and leave her and your brother to their own relationship. It'll save you energy and heart ache and it's the right approach for everyone else too. Look at private carers who can pick up care if you don't want to. Would it be nice if he was around and could do the day to day helping, of course, but it is what it is, so work on positive solutions that deal with the reality of the situation rather than wishing it were different.

OP it comes across as you trying to goad your mother into being upset about this.
Is that what you want?

YABU

I don’t really see what he has done wrong? He visits twice a year and stays for a day or two, and he calls and texts regularly- seens reasonable when he lives an 8 hour round trip away. I suppose he could visit more, if he wished to, but he obviously does not want to do so. As is his right, just as you are free to chose how often and when you visit. There is no accepted “minimum” or “maximum” for visiting your parents for you to compare his actual visits to, there is no “he should visit more”.

Ultimately, you need to accept that you don’t get a say in the nature relationship between your mother and your brother- their relationship is independent of yours with each of them and they are both entitled to conduct their relationship as they see fit. I think you should keep your nose out of it, unless you have reason to believe your mother is at risk in some way or if she chooses to discuss it with you. Which she obviously doesn’t wish to, as she has told you so. That could be because she is genuinely fine with the situation and finds your interfering irritating; or perhaps you are right, and she is sad that he does not visit more often and your repeatedly bringing it up reminds her of this which is upsetting- hence the reason she doesn’t want to talk about it. In either case, you are being unfair to your mother by insisting on airing your views.

In the nicest possible way you need to stop getting yourself worked up over this. I appreciate how frustrating it might feel to you, but your mum says it doesn't bother her he doesn't visit more often. Neither of you can make him and even if it did bother her would he even visit more often?
If he does things like arraging the extra appointments but is expecting you to facilitate mum getting there just say you can't, you have plans, work etc and he will have to do it etc.

You are completely out of order for judging him for living his own life.

Your concern is bizarre. She’s happy, you don’t need help. He keeps in contact with her. Keep out of it.

You're not listening to her. It's very upsetting when you tell someone how you feel and they dismiss it because they insist they know better.

What is it that you want to achieve? You're not going to change him. All you're doing is upsetting her. Just stop.

You still haven’t said how often either of you visit your brother. I’m assuming you don’t, otherwise you’d have mentioned it.

I actually think the brother is lazy. He doesn’t work. He could visit his mother far more.
Is the problem that the op has to deal with all the nitty gritty, boring stuff. A phone call is never the same as having to spend time with an elderly parent, never. Elderly parents an be extremely draining. Unless you have been in the situation of being the child who has to care for them you will never know the stain it causes.

Please stop trying to upset your elderly mother about this! It is really cruel to cause a very elderly person distress about something that cannot be changed (& which in any event sounds well within the parameters of normal - because nothing you have said makes your brother sound particularly unreasonable or neglectful).

I get the impression you won’t be happy until your mother is crying herself to sleep abour this, & - as someone who cares for elderly relatives myself - just do not see how you can look yourself in the eye doing this.

‘Don’t cause pain to vulnerable elderly people’ is kind of a basic. Most people -if they thought one child was neglectful- would be trying to avoid their elderly mother being distressed by this, for instance by covering it up or downplaying it, not seeking to work her up!

Maybe look into therapy to see if you bear resentment to your mother for possible favouritism in the past, or other failings, or perhaps for what you do for her now, & if you are trying to punish her for this now she is old and weak and kind of at your mercy. I do know from my own experience old people can be very challenging - I do sympathise with this - but we really have to avoid acting out our bitternesses or resentment on them.

There could be all sorts of reasons why he doesn’t work - illness or disability, caring for a partner or child etc. Not everyone who doesn’t work is a layabout who can’t be arsed.