Nosey elderly parents is embarrassing

[ByUniqueViper]

My 81 year old mum who is of good health and mind has always enjoyed 'people watching' in public places. But she is now becoming obsessed with it.
She looks people up and down, follows them with her eyes as they approach and then walk past her, and even says things like 'you see her over there with the ponytail' and points to them.
Weve just been on holiday and she watches everyone constantly and makes comments to us such as 'she has worn those clothes all day and evening', 'that man put 6 towels on a sunbed 45 minutes ago', 'they're the people who were really drunk last night'.
Lots of people probably notice the same but keep their thoughts to themselves. But she is just so nosey and vocal with it. Its becoming embarrassing.
We have tried ignoring her comments, saying 'oh' as if we have little interest, my husband has make jokey comments about not hearing him as she is so fixated on looking at someone and ive previously really put her in her place when she has said 'she's a big girl.
AIBU to expect her to behave more appropriately or should I accept this is what happens when people get old and have little else to think about?
What else do we do as we're finding her behaviour uncomfortable and annoying?

My mum also started doing this when she was about 80. Some of the comments were awful. Even about people she knew and were present with us! If I said anything to her she would say “they can’t hear me”. A memorable occasion was when I took her to sit by the river in the car for a cup of tea so she could watch the ducks and boats. A man was parked next to us and she said “look at the size of that fat fellow! He shouldn’t be undressed like that with the size of him!” The guy had been paddle boarding. But she had forgotten that her car window was open and the guy was right next to her. He told her off and she stopped it for a while. Very embarrassing though.

Haha brilliant!

My mum was exactly the same, and refused to stop, even when we continuously pulled her up on it. She got so bad in the end that I thought it was only a matter of time before someone pulled her up on it / was really rude (or worse) to her, and told her if that happened then she deserved it.

She'd always hit back with the passive aggressive 'oh you're all so sensitive / oh I'm the problem now / you can't say anything these days' so it always descended into an argument. Ironically, for someone older (pushing 80) and overweight, she saved her worst comments for people like her - I assume its some sort of deflection

I think that a large part of it can be when older people's worlds start to get very small. Their children are grown and have long left home, they're retired and don't have anything like as much structure to their lives.

Most older folk embrace this new-found freedom and find positive hobbies and interests, travelling and social/community pursuits - or just enjoy spending time with their families, sitting at home, enjoying their own company; reading, watching TV, social media, relaxing etc.

Unfortunately, for those who don't find good channels for their interests and energies, there's always the risk that they will seek to make other people into their entertaiment, almost constructing their own real-life soap operas - finding fault in passers-by and cavilling at the most pointless things. We have an elderly neighbour whose hobby is making enemies of the neighbours, mainly by harassing them over parking perfectly legally, safely and considerately where he thinks they 'shouldn't', even though he has a very big drive and it doesn't impact him in any way.

I think some older people also find it hard to adjust to how the world is going, with new technologies and social customs that they just can't understand. They can start to feel excluded and so cling on to sharing far and wide the 'wisdom' that they have; but not the positive wisdom of experience.

They may see a much younger person in good health, happy, confident and popular, with their life ahead of them; and feel jealous and resentful, so their automatic recourse is to fault-find and belittle in some way that seems important to them. In fact, apart from the 'life ahead of them', these kinds of people are not that dissimilar to school bullies.

Sometimes people are just nasty. But more often than not and especially when they didn’t use to be like this, it’s an age decline thing linked to dementia and mental changes.

If that is the case it’s not within the control of the speaker and they shouldn’t be blamed or hated on that account. They have a mental handicap. There, but for the grace of God …..

And just like with small children, they will often come back furiously with insistences that what they're saying is true... as though that gives them full validity and freedom to say it out loud.

It's also all about them and their own understanding of the world - which is a lot more acceptable with a small child. Yes, that woman may be very overweight... but what good do you actually believe it will do for you to inform her of that fact that she's already very much aware of?

Please read above. Often this is caused by mental decline. It’s a shame that we have no age related sensitivity, tolerance or compassion in UK society.

Calling someone's mother ghastly is terrible! Grow up.

My grandmother was like this. She did not have dementia, but did have some frontal lobe damage after strokes.

(Frontal lobe is the bit of the brain that helps us inhibit behaviour that we should not do).

Indeed. Threads where you get to slag off old people with impunity are very popular on MN

"They"? Who are "they"?

I shouldn’t laugh, but on reading some of these I laughed out loud Mind you, I am 78…

It’s dreadful - my grandmother used to do it - once in a queue in a building society she shouted (deaf as well as racist) “I need a little black boy to carry my bags” and “look at him, thinks he’s John Wayne” about a man in a hat in a shop. I died.

Fast forward 20 years and my mother shouted “she can’t lift the bags she’s got a wound” about me in the queue in Tesco and another time shouted “I’ve got an infection in my vagina” to my brother across a crowded room.

I really hope this isn’t hereditary!!! 🥴

You’re definitely on to something here. I was reading this thread, puzzled. My grandad and grandma have never had a bad word to say about anyone and this hasn’t changed with ageing. Maybe they don’t have ugly thoughts to begin with? Same with my grandparents (no longer with us). Outspoken rude, nasty comments aren’t to do with bog standard ageing.
Dementia, I don’t know about but I think if there’s anything in that theory it would be to do with brain/personality changes, rather than a filter being lifted to reveal previously hidden judgements.

Mine is like that but has always been a judgemental bitch. I suspect the only reason nobody ever punched her lights out is because she is teeny tiny and frail looking.

She deliberately says unkind things about people knowing they will hear. Always has. I’m NC.

Of course it isn't terrible. OP's mum sounds utterly dreadful and one day someone will take massive offence and say something horrible back to her.

Many years ago my mother stood in a very busy banking hall and advised me loudly that all of the staff were (rhymes with bankers)! Her recent fixation is on individuals skin colour. I’ve told her she can’t and mustn’t say these things as they’ll get her into trouble but she’s a “you can’t say anything these days” person and gets the hump. She will also comment on how somebody has let themselves go in her view. She’s 91 and always very smart with full make up etc but can be very judgemental about others. I’m not sure that is is entirely age related. For anyone that doesn’t know her they all think she’s a very sweet old lady.

speaking as an older person, I think the issue here is around conversation and having something to contribute and say. as you get older you do less stuff. so you resort to retelling old anecdotes endlessly and for some, they watch people so they have something to talk about. its a fear thing. you worry that you wont have any conversation starters or anything to say so you look at someone else and think oohh what could I say about them that would start a conversation with my friend/family member.

you become hard of hearing so speak too loudly.

all of you commenting on here, how many of you are the other side of 70 or 80?

No , it’s called being rude and nosy and unfortunately not really having a life of your own, so commenting on other people’s. It always makes me cringe when people on Place in the Sun say they like “ People watching “ . These are the ones whose eyes you can feel boring into you from cafes , bars and buses as you go about your business. Usually people who haven’t got much to say to their partners anymore, or those who are on their own.

I have read above. I realise that it's often caused by mental decline, but also it often isn't. I have great sympathy for the former, but not for the latter.

So are you saying that all old people suffer from mental decline and never have any agency as to how they speak and behave?

I know plenty of elderly folk who are charming, kind, pleasant people and a joy to spend time with. Is this another of those scenarios where the people with nightmare MILs post about them, whilst all of those of us with lovely MILs don't tend to start threads about them; and people who insist on lumping together all people who happen to share one characteristic thus take offence on behalf of ALL people in that big, wide group?

My mum is the same. We often walk over a hill and often sit down for a little while. She asks me if I think a little boy and another one are twins, is this woman the wife or the sister of that man, have I seen his hat, what do I think of this woman's hair style etc etc..its endless.

Part of it for my mum is probably dementia. HAve you considered this for your mum ( no offence of course ). I just don't know what you could do about it. my mum won't change now.

Best wishes.

DP's grandmother died from Alzheimers.

About 5 years before she died, she was still living more or less independently in sheltered housing and I went to the first family Christmas since I'd been with DP.

The 'worst' thing she said was calling me by DP's ex-wife's name. They'd been divorced for about ten years at that point. I'd expected it, DP and his Mum had been really worried about it happening, but I really didn't care - tbh, I was expecting to be informed I was fat, had a funny face or something far more personal than just not remembering my name when she'd never met me before.

What made me laugh though, was when DP's Mum corrected her and said 'Mum, that's not her name, it's Mooncup', GM said 'Oh, I don't know why I called her that, she's not 'Bertha', I knew somebody called Bertha once. She was a really horrible woman, picking on my Lizzie's little boy (MIL and DP) with a face on her like a slapped octopus. But she (pointing to me) isn't anything like that Bertha, she's nice'. 😂

I think that like others have said, it's the veneer that breaks down.

Agree with you @Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService . If you head over to the Elderly Parents thread there is a group of us keeping each other sane in the wake of EPs who have done little to help themselves and think because they are old in years they know better than anyone else.

In my mother’s case she ‘just tells it like it is’. No Mum you are being rude and obnoxious. But then she always has been.

She would care if she got a slap every time she was rude.

We live in a world where consequences have become disconnected from actions, so the morally dead can do what they like without comeback.