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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nosey elderly parents is embarrassing

114 replies

ByUniqueViper · 30/12/2025 11:42

My 81 year old mum who is of good health and mind has always enjoyed 'people watching' in public places. But she is now becoming obsessed with it.
She looks people up and down, follows them with her eyes as they approach and then walk past her, and even says things like 'you see her over there with the ponytail' and points to them.
Weve just been on holiday and she watches everyone constantly and makes comments to us such as 'she has worn those clothes all day and evening', 'that man put 6 towels on a sunbed 45 minutes ago', 'they're the people who were really drunk last night'.
Lots of people probably notice the same but keep their thoughts to themselves. But she is just so nosey and vocal with it. Its becoming embarrassing.
We have tried ignoring her comments, saying 'oh' as if we have little interest, my husband has make jokey comments about not hearing him as she is so fixated on looking at someone and ive previously really put her in her place when she has said 'she's a big girl.
AIBU to expect her to behave more appropriately or should I accept this is what happens when people get old and have little else to think about?
What else do we do as we're finding her behaviour uncomfortable and annoying?

OP posts:
DottyLottieLou · 30/12/2025 20:20

Something to do with the frontal lobe as they get older. The filter goes. Could be an early sign of dementia.

Moll2020 · 30/12/2025 20:45

Are our mothers long lost sisters?!! I thought it was only my mum who behaved like this!!

RoamingToaster · 30/12/2025 21:13

My dad’s terrible for this. He’s also got a naturally loud voice so I imagine lots hear him. I hate going out to restaurants with him. As well as commenting on people, I’ve never known him to like a meal and he’ll moan loudly about it. So cringe.

Blackalice · 30/12/2025 21:20

It sounds very much like the beginning of dementia, from both professional and personal experience.

bumptybum · 30/12/2025 21:23

QPZM · 30/12/2025 12:05

It's called people watching and plenty of people of all ages do it, especially on holiday when there's little else to do while you're sitting down.

Not sure it's really an age thing to be fair.

No. There is people watching and then there is a constant running commentary. That second thing seems to increase as people get older. I think it is some sort of mild cognitive decline where the filter part of the brain is affected

bumptybum · 30/12/2025 21:24

Very1 · 30/12/2025 20:16

I understand entirely, it’s mortifying. My Mum is 75 and feels the need to comment loudly about anyone over a size 10. God help anyone who maybe on a mobility scooter, as they in her head are obviously lazy and fat and she will happily say it loudly enough for them to hear. I wouldn’t mind but she’s not even thin, she’s a size 20! I know some of it is cognitive decline but it’s so fucking rude, and she can be perfectly polite when she wants, so some of this is just her being obnoxious. I just bluntly tell her to be quiet now.

Edited

What does she say if you point out to her that the person is smaller than she is

superchick · 30/12/2025 21:41

My mum doesnt do this exactly but she has just completely stopped giving a shit about social conventions. She doesnt bother to wear her hearing aids because she doesn't care that she's bellowing at people or that she misunderstands large portions of every interaction. She walks out in front of traffic, expecting all vehicles to just stop for her. She talks complete shit to strangers in shops and cafes to the point where they are clearly uncomfortable. She doesn't make allowances for other people's needs at all and if we're out for a walk or something she just marches on ahead not caring what others might be doing. Its exhausting. If you raise anything with her she just shrugs and says she doesnt care. We were in the theatre recently and she was talking to me in a loud "outdoor" voice and wouldn't be shushed. She NEVER would have done any of these things a few years ago.

I know its all possible signs of dementia but she's very aware that she's doing it and knows that she's making us embarrassed and other people uncomfortable but genuinely doesnt give a shit. She sees it as a type of freedom that she's earned by getting old.

Very1 · 30/12/2025 22:03

bumptybum · 30/12/2025 21:24

What does she say if you point out to her that the person is smaller than she is

Show quote history

It’s really odd, she’ll just pretend I didn’t say anything. Or if I say ‘well they are about the same size as me (18/20) thanks Mum!’. She just looks surprised, and then carries on even louder. She’s always had a superiority complex but was more subtle about it. Now she doesn’t give a shit.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 30/12/2025 22:04

I've found my people on this thread. My mum does this too. Going to the local carvery I'm on edge thinking she'll get us banned one day. The part I find most frustrating is people like her are most likely judging me - kids with different dads, tattoos etc. But she won't accept that or change her ways.

TangerinePlate · 30/12/2025 22:27

ExMIL. No dementia at all as she displayed the behaviour long time ago.
I snapped at her once. She just didn’t care she was being rude and embarrassing.

fatphalange · 30/12/2025 22:34

I suspect she’ll learn one day when someone doesn’t take too kindly to being stared at and looked up and down and matches her rudeness and then some. And I’m sure she’ll be most outraged…will give her something to talk about though 😂

SparkyBlue · 30/12/2025 22:42

OP you just described my mum. My 13 year old DD keeps saying she is shocked no one has turned around and reacted badly to her yet. My nerves do be at me when I’m out and about with her

Newmeagain · 30/12/2025 22:44

QPZM · 30/12/2025 12:05

It's called people watching and plenty of people of all ages do it, especially on holiday when there's little else to do while you're sitting down.

Not sure it's really an age thing to be fair.

Yes, I agree. I am prone to doing that, and always have been.

Lardychops · 30/12/2025 22:50

A women’s weight
Skin colour
nose size
long hair over 36

Commenting on all the above loudly, was my nans favourite pastime
lived for it.

SparkyBlue · 30/12/2025 23:02

Blackalice · 30/12/2025 21:20

It sounds very much like the beginning of dementia, from both professional and personal experience.

Well in that case my mother has had dementia all her life 😂😂😂😂

CarnationAndPoppy · 30/12/2025 23:04

Lardychops · 30/12/2025 22:50

A women’s weight
Skin colour
nose size
long hair over 36

Commenting on all the above loudly, was my nans favourite pastime
lived for it.

😂

Hollyleaves · 30/12/2025 23:33

muddyford · 30/12/2025 13:14

It seems that, as some people get older, their filters get more porous. I noticed it with my late mother, less so with my father.

I had a friend in her 60s when I was about 40 who started doing this and I told her over and over to stop and I walked away eventually - I called it nasty person diarrhoea

EnjoythemoneyJane · 31/12/2025 09:35

My MIL was always judgmental and rude about people but definitely got worse and more vocal as she got older. It was bloody mortifying and she had to be shut down in public many times. I just used to walk away if possible.

In her case it was spiteful, though, not just loud observations with no filter. She generally feels everyone is beneath her, and it boosts her sense of superiority to comment negatively on people’s appearance. She wants them to hear her disapproving of their weight (being overweight is in her eyes a moral failing) or hair or clothing, as though they should be grateful to her for opening their eyes to their own faults.

She’s now in a home and looked after by women of saintly patience and stoicism, who are mainly of South and East Asian heritage. In return for all the wonderful things they do for her, she pretends not to understand what they’re saying. Nasty cow.

fatphalange · 31/12/2025 10:32

EnjoythemoneyJane · 31/12/2025 09:35

My MIL was always judgmental and rude about people but definitely got worse and more vocal as she got older. It was bloody mortifying and she had to be shut down in public many times. I just used to walk away if possible.

In her case it was spiteful, though, not just loud observations with no filter. She generally feels everyone is beneath her, and it boosts her sense of superiority to comment negatively on people’s appearance. She wants them to hear her disapproving of their weight (being overweight is in her eyes a moral failing) or hair or clothing, as though they should be grateful to her for opening their eyes to their own faults.

She’s now in a home and looked after by women of saintly patience and stoicism, who are mainly of South and East Asian heritage. In return for all the wonderful things they do for her, she pretends not to understand what they’re saying. Nasty cow.

Sounds as spiteful and mean-spirited as a person can get, tbh.

Bemused89 · 31/12/2025 11:20

It's annoying. But I do think it's part of getting older and mild dementia setting in. The filter is the first thing to go unfortunately.

averylongtimeago · 31/12/2025 11:33

Unfortunately as people age they often loose their internal filter- so instead of just thinking “what a big bum she should not be eating that pie “ they say it out loud.

It is very sad and embarrassing when this is your loved relative- but there isn’t much you can do.

My elderly (early 80’s) relative can be like this. Looking round a chateau in France this year: “Do you think he’s Chinese- he’s a bit slitty eyed “ about the tour guide, who spoke very good English! I was mortified- she sailed on regardless. I caught his eye from behind her and apologised. Other times when she comes out with very non-pc comments we say “you can’t say that!” or similar and deflect her /change the subject. I’m not going to cut her off and not see her because of this, would anyone really block someone they loved because they are sometimes embarrassing due to aging?

Thundertoast · 31/12/2025 11:36

I've heard of this being part of dementia/ageing, 'filter comes off', i can definitely see one of my parents going this way as I know they have these thoughts.
What im curious about is if it will happen to me, as I dont have these thoughts??? I dont look at someone and think 'oh what a big woman' or 'what an ugly man' it just doesnt occur to me? I think the most I've ever thought negatively about another person is when there's a big group of drunk men spoiling for a fight in the street I think 'not a braincell between them' I dont have this constant stream of negative observations going through my head that im 'filtering' they just dont happen? Is it likely i will have more negative thoughts about people as I get older and my world might get smaller... or is it a personality driven thing? So interesting.

(To be clear, I have lots of other horrible personality traits - noones perfect - just dont have this one??)

Letty186 · 31/12/2025 11:56

My 87 year old mother is similar, luckily she’s housebound, unfortunately her carers take the brunt. She’s always been judgemental now she voices it. She has no hesitation in telling her carers they need to lose weight (she’s very ‘fatist’ amongst other things) 🙄. It doesn’t matter what I say, she validates it by saying she cares.

Milkbloo · 31/12/2025 12:03

Small children and older people can be filter less. Both my young nephew and my Grandmother comment on how fat people are, they get on famously. It’s very common, not worth worrying about imo.

UnaGatita · 31/12/2025 12:13

My dad has taken to telling me information about people but as his hearing deteriorates he says things loudly. As a consequence I remain in a state of high alert, he hates it when I ‘nag’ him to be quieter and resents me saying ‘don’t use that word it’s not acceptable these days’. He also relays stories that he thinks are funny, but they make me cringe inside as no-one else is remotely amused by them - and he doesn’t notice and so repeats them to the next group of people…
In all, OP, I empathise with your impossible situation