To be confused by the two working parent set up

[Angels1111]

As I return to work from my Christmas break I return to the same conundrum I've been having since kids were born...
...that is confusion at how to handle my multiple roles in life.

I can't help but think that in my mother's generation they had to do the same stuff as us, but with no work. And, there was more of a community to fall back on too - she could get the neighbours to watch us if needed, relatives had more time to visit and play with us, etc. But she had time, to keep herself healthy and to keep us healthy.

Now it feels like a lot of us work in careers which are not conducive to taking long career breaks or going part time. Or, we can't afford to. So we end up juggling everything that comes with having a family with work. My partner does lots but it feels like two people splitting three jobs between them (work, children, house) is more of a stretch and a juggle and I wish every day that I could just focus on the house and kids.

I feel resentful that if I hire a nanny or a baby sitter or get family to help, they'd just play with the kids, feed them lunch, and maybe wash up after lunch wheeras I'd be doing all of that plus the food shop, house cleaning, admin, cooking dinner, washing, homework etc etc simultaneously, and if I wanted to hire someone to truly replace my roles it would take 2-3 people just to do the home stuff let alone work.

But this could just be how I'm handling life! I have a chronic condition so potentially have less energy than the general population, I do handle it a lot better when I'm not flaring.

Yes. We were sold it as “having it all” but in fact it is “doing it all”

Funny how the so.ution always seems to be women not working, but never men doing more at home.

I think you're right, I also think that modern parenting is very child-centric and creates so much more guilt in parents than my own parents generation had. I was sent out to play for the whole day and not come back till tea time! Now, as far as I can tell, you're expected do everything with/for your child, danger is seen round every corner, which seems to be the most stress inducing thing ever! Pressure to entertain them, teach them, forever to be taking them to after school clubs etc as well as hold down a job and do house stuff. I played board games with my parents and we always went somewhere nice on a Sunday afternoon..that was it! They didn't hover over me the whole which I would have hated! And I've lovely memories of my childhood! In the 80s/90s we were told we could have it all...parenthood and a career...and the "new men" would go 50/50. I think we were conned!

Exactly, I do not know a single person who has a nanny, or a cleaner!I must not be posh enough! I also think unlike the previous pp, that those events do matter. My dc still remembers an event to this day I didn't go to. Every single other thing has been attended. When you're unable to get time off work it cannot be helped, I'm sure most parents wish they could make it though. We are lucky we can go to them.

I agree. A lot of them were younger parents, a lot in social housing. Not all on benefits though, the ones in couples they could afford on one salary as the rent is a lot cheaper. We were one of them. Quite a few I know do own their houses though, with mortgage, but I guess the one parent working full time must earn ok. Not rich though! Don’t live in London so prices aren’t that bad, but still in the south east so pretty high housing wise.

Some women love the precious time with their young dcs. I don't think your comment is fair. Whether working or staying at home, people have to do what is right for them and their families. One of my friends was SAHM, and then went on to write a book. Please don't pigeon hole.

Fully agree OP. Our mothers’ generation where one parent didn’t work outside the home had it so much easier. The current set-up where both need to work is utter shite. It is destroying my life. Even with a supportive partner who carries his weight, it’s all too much. The only people it works for are those with lots of free help from family, or who have enough money to buy in help (cleaners, nannies, ready meals, takeaways etc). For those of us without family help or money, the amount of tasks is just ridiculous: full-time work + commute, children (a monumentally huge category), housework/chores/shopping/cooking/cleaning/pets/etc, life admin (again, huge category - finances, medical etc). Then there are things like Christmas and birthdays which are just huge additional tasks. Then maintaining a relationship with partner, never mind friends. Never mind looking after myself (hair gets washed every 3 weeks if im lucky), no time for fitness, reading etc. Then my retired mum and mil tell me I look stressed and should make sure to have regular “me-time”. Me-time!!?? When??!! ARGHH

I think working class families have always had two parents working, it was ( and still is) a privilege to have a full time SAHP.
In the bad old days the domestic chores took ages- no washing machines etc. And women got sacked from their jobs when they got married. So it was a choice of marriage and kids OR a career.
Even though it’s a nightmare juggling everything, I don’t think anyone ( especially women) would want to go back to not having any life choices.
I hope your DH steps up OP x

Same for me. Both worked full time. Husband away. No family nearby. No friends as we had moved for his job but he was made redundant and had to work away. Both our mothers worked full time as did both my grandmothers in previous generations. Mortgage rate19 percent. All furniture second hand. No flooring for five years. Extremely frugal with food etc.
I think that a lot of people on mn must have come from much wealthier families.

A good standard of living in the 1970s or 80s was nothing at all like what is considered a good standard of living now. It's like comparing apples with pears.
As I said upthread (and I think my family was fairly typical of the time) my mum was very much a housewife who looked after my sister and I at the same time. Others have said they played out and went to other's houses - we all did, because that was pretty much all there was to do in our village. My mother (and all my friends were the same) felt no obligation to entertain us or arrange trips out, soft play, parks, lunches out, visits, after-school activities, swimming, playdates or any of the other things expected for today's children.
My sister and I shared a room and my mum did not drive (both frowned upon today).
School holidays, except for the two weeks summer family holiday in a caravan in the UK, would have cost my parents nothing at all, as we were expected to entertain ourselves and our parents were not interested in us being bored because that was regarded as just one of those things.
Unless today's working parents are prepared to go back to a similar life, where we were warn, fed, clean and cared for but not entertained, moaning that they can't afford to have a SAHP parent today is a false comparison. Expectations are a LOT higher now, so anyone considering giving up work to SAH is having to find cash to cover a much higher base cost than our parents did.

A few generations ago women knew if they got married they needed to choose their partner wisely as they would (very likely) to be financially dependent on them. Similarly the man took knew it was an emotional and financial commitment. Back then a man who didn't honour his obligations was shameful. In what way was that detrimental to women?

Back to the present too many (not all) men do not take responsibilities seriously and too many (not all) women are content to rely on welfare if things don't work out.

Haha, can always trust mothers to tell you when you apparently look abit shit.

Dm's lines are, "Are you feeling okay? You look tired?" (while letting me run after her), "You're hair is looking a bit long", "Oh "I can tell your anxious, try and relax", "Are you eating enough, you're looking a bit thin (I have a healthy BMI), and expecting my full attention while simultaneously looking after dcs. She has starting bringing over moisturiser as a subtle hint my skin is looking apparently not up to scratch. If I hear, "So do you find yourself getting abit more time to yourself now?" one more time, I think I'll scream! She will then moan about her life when I was a dc and contradict everything she just said. 😂

I think the difference was most of us did it, most kids went to the local school so you generally weren't alone. Even if you didn't really know the other kids they were there all around you. I think there were also lots more crossing patrols than we have now so more interested adults around.

I agree. I have fond memories of "the lollypop lady." It definately had more of a community feel back then; I was born in the 80s.

That’s not always the case. There are many grand parents that simply don’t want to help out with the day-to-day grind (they’ve done their time raising kids, so they say) but still expect to be included on what they feel are special days - Easter and Christmas. I expect because they have nothing better to do on these days. This is no fault of the child’s parents.

This!

Although I have no idea what permissive or gentle parenting is. I’ll chatGPT. I have two great kids and worked full time throughout so maybe I fall into one of these brackets.

Interesting thread. I was married until my kids were 5 & 7, jigged my career around picking them up etc. Now as a lone parent (with them a few years older) I still do this. I cook from scratch and take them outside a lot. No family, but a whole village of helpful mums nearby who I reciprocally help. The house is a bit of a tip, we have very basic stuff, kids share a room, no car, but are healthy and happy. I am a lecturer. The village who stepped in when I got divorced have been my salvation, really. That and leaning back a little on my career, turning it more into 'work'. I'm doing well, look young for my years and have a spring in my step. The kids are happy and healthy. I guess we live a kind of 80s standard life #geriatricmillennialrepresent

What I'm saying is I think the solution is prioritising the bits that matter to you and make you happy.

Sorry, edited to say: yes it is very, very hard.

I believe this all began when women fought for equality. Now my kids are older (17, 14) I’m so glad they did, but when my kids were in primary years I hated those women 😂.

Equality gave us females freedom to work in fields desired, rather than be housebound with kids. This led to more income for each couple, which led to couples being able to buy more expensive houses (as wages combined), which led to both adults having to work full time to keep up the repayments, then chuck the kids in. Nightmare!

Okay, I’ve done neither of these. Authoritative Parenting al the way for me!

Me too. I did notice dh and I were swaying a bit into permissive however, so had to steer it back again. I also reminded him of the best likely foundation to nurture the most successful adults.

I am in my early 50s and my mum worked part-time from when I was 6. She didn't care for having to ask my dad for money to buy a pair of tights.

If mums have their own money, dads can't be nearly as abusive or irresponsible.

Maybe in the 1950s or some of the 60s, but the OP's mother is only in her 60s herself ! My generation. Trust me, house prices shot up when me and my peers were trying to buy. Those who had tried to buy on their own, took in lodgers to keep afloat. People needed two salaries to pay their way when we were young adults too.

Absolutely not ignoring the fact this is a difficult and exhausting time of life for young parents, but I AM disputing that this is a new thing for people with young children in 2025 (well 26 now).

It was my dad who did the lone walks in the post the PP was responding to. My first thought when he told me was that the level of traffic in the late 1940s would have been significantly lower too than present day.

Just as well, otherwise there would have been no me!

Generally the traffic would have been lower but not for me as I lived on a very busy road so I walked with heavier traffic than my kids did in the 90s just because of where we lived. Some local 11 year olds who lived nearby would walk me to school when I was 4 or 5. My mother would give them some money for the sweet shop on Fridays. I'm not sure if that was a plan or just sort of happened. After reception I would just be part of a pack of kids larking about on a busy road. Probably a miracle we survived.

My sibling was born the week I started school, I think my dad took me the first day but I don't really remember the details, just remember ferling very scared and alone.

Sounds like it's working wonderfully :)
Yeh that's what I miss about the village, not so much childcare but other families being out and about to hang out with

Thank you for this, I was beginning to wonder whether I'd imagined my childhood!
There were so many neighbours and parents around, we were very safe.

Exactly this! And it wasn't so insular so our overall mental health seemed better.

Interesting re teen years needing more. I've been working under the assumption I'll be needed less!

You're totally right, I really need time to look after my body if I'm going to get on top of my condition and I just don't know where to fit it all in.